Maybe it was the passing of the dreaded 6-6-06, but devils and demons have infiltrated my mind, and I awoke last night sweating and shaken with a vision of Angelina Jolie laughing maniacally as she single-handedly destroyed the earth with her multi-hued progeny at her side.
Yes it's true: not since Christ the Savior graced the earth with His divine presence have we been so enraptured by the birth of a child as we have with Shiloh Nouvel.
I have tried to unravel this mystery, and what follows is my honed insight into celebrity...and religious revelations.
Who is this Angelina Jolie — and why are we so captivated by her? If taken part by part, she is misshapen. Her lips too large for her face, her eyes set a bit too far apart, enormous teeth, long gangly arms and hands. Part by part, she is not exactly "beautiful," but she is something far more compelling: dangerously sexy.
Just like her character in Girl Interrupted, she is unhinged, on the edge, not bound by the normal laws of physics and mores that bind the rest of us: she is Angelina Jolie. Her name belies the sinister nature that lurks beneath the surface. She is no "angel": she is a temptress, a succubus here to steal our men and corrupt our children with her beguiling ways.
Pity poor Brad Pitt. Dumb, silly, short on clues, Brad Pitt. Sure, he has a pretty face. Pretty vacant. And, like the rest of us, he has unwittingly fallen for Ms. Jolie and provided the seed for her master plan to rule the earth.
According to religious scholars, when the Anti-Christ comes to earth he ("she" in this case) will win our trust at time of war and depravity by presenting him/herself as a leader to solve our problems.
"The Antichrist will not use any force and will try to win men's trust and affection with his deceitful and hypocritical public mask of virtue...will throw a gleaming veil of kindness and truth over the mystery of iniquity... He will come in an image which will seduce everyone. He will come as a humble, kind, hater of falsehood (as he will say about himself), rejecting idols, preferring piety and kindness, loving the poor, bearing extremely handsome features, constant, sweet to everyone, respecting especially the Jewish nation because they will be awaiting his coming... He will take sly measures to please everyone, will not accept gifts nor speak in anger, will not show an overcast countenance, but will entice the world with a decorous exterior until he is enthroned."
Oh dear Lord of Mercy, please get thee to a nunnery. So Angelina, now anointed as an Ambassador to the UN, is in the perfect position to create the illusion of kindness: going to the humble nation of Namibia to have her child, being a woman of the people, humble, kind, full of piety, and all that other religious mumbo jumbo.