Maybe it was the passing of the dreaded 6-6-06, but devils and demons have infiltrated my mind, and I awoke last night sweating and shaken with a vision of Angelina Jolie laughing maniacally as she single-handedly destroyed the earth with her multi-hued progeny at her side.
Yes it's true: not since Christ the Savior graced the earth with His divine presence have we been so enraptured by the birth of a child as we have with Shiloh Nouvel.
I have tried to unravel this mystery, and what follows is my honed insight into celebrity...and religious revelations.
Who is this Angelina Jolie — and why are we so captivated by her? If taken part by part, she is misshapen. Her lips too large for her face, her eyes set a bit too far apart, enormous teeth, long gangly arms and hands. Part by part, she is not exactly "beautiful," but she is something far more compelling: dangerously sexy.
Just like her character in Girl Interrupted, she is unhinged, on the edge, not bound by the normal laws of physics and mores that bind the rest of us: she is Angelina Jolie. Her name belies the sinister nature that lurks beneath the surface. She is no "angel": she is a temptress, a succubus here to steal our men and corrupt our children with her beguiling ways.
Pity poor Brad Pitt. Dumb, silly, short on clues, Brad Pitt. Sure, he has a pretty face. Pretty vacant. And, like the rest of us, he has unwittingly fallen for Ms. Jolie and provided the seed for her master plan to rule the earth.
According to religious scholars, when the Anti-Christ comes to earth he ("she" in this case) will win our trust at time of war and depravity by presenting him/herself as a leader to solve our problems.
"The Antichrist will not use any force and will try to win men's trust and affection with his deceitful and hypocritical public mask of virtue...will throw a gleaming veil of kindness and truth over the mystery of iniquity... He will come in an image which will seduce everyone. He will come as a humble, kind, hater of falsehood (as he will say about himself), rejecting idols, preferring piety and kindness, loving the poor, bearing extremely handsome features, constant, sweet to everyone, respecting especially the Jewish nation because they will be awaiting his coming... He will take sly measures to please everyone, will not accept gifts nor speak in anger, will not show an overcast countenance, but will entice the world with a decorous exterior until he is enthroned."
Oh dear Lord of Mercy, please get thee to a nunnery. So Angelina, now anointed as an Ambassador to the UN, is in the perfect position to create the illusion of kindness: going to the humble nation of Namibia to have her child, being a woman of the people, humble, kind, full of piety, and all that other religious mumbo jumbo.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Eric Olsen
chilling - excellent!
2 - Victor Plenty
Suddenly it all makes sense. My only question is, how will I know when it's my turn?
You know... so I can virtuously refuse, of course.
3 - Mark Saleski
interesting. i've never thought of angelina as sexy. it's the lips. they look velcro'd on, sort of like lisa rinna.
4 - Victor Plenty
It's because of Mr. Potato Head, Mark. Now we're all attracted to people who look like they have interchangeable facial features.
We can also blame Disney animated features for the rise of the sexual fetish subculture known as "furries" but that's not really on topic for this article.
5 - Mark Saleski
ah, the mr. potato head theory. fake lips, fake cheekbones, fake boobs...
wait, i don't think even mrs. potato head had boobs.
6 - DJRadiohead
Dawn --- this is your best yet. You've outdone the Kevin Costner monkey spank piece which was my previous favorite.
I've had something for these two shitheads for awhile but haven't been able to deliver it. You scored a knockout with this one. Friday is going to rule.
7 - Dawn
She really is spooky.
8 - Christopher Rose
Personally, I can't wait til it's my turn. Take me now, Mistress Angelina!
9 - Dawn
Sure Chris, it's all fun and games until she bites off your head.
10 - Mark Saleski
guys will put up with nearly anything for a little...uh...just, a little.
11 - Christopher Rose
So that would mean I gave Angelina Jolie head?
Oh yeah!
12 - Dawn
I see it took exactly 11 comments to get to this point. See why you men are so easily led astray.
13 - Aaman
In Angelina's case, anything goes
14 - Susie Q
Your characterizations of Jolie & Pitt couldn't be more off if you tried, but nice job of stereotyping two people you've never met.
BTW Dawn, you're ugly. No wonder you're so bitter.
15 - Dawn
My bitterness has nothing to do with how ugly I am, but I appreciate your kind words :)
16 - CLINIQUA
Dear Dawn,
Congrats! What a great birthday present for little Shiloh you've written, and a belated mother's day present for Ms. Jolie.
Perhaps one day little Shiloh can grow up to realize just how twisted, embittered and jealous some sad lonely homely women were/are that they'd malign her mother this way shortly after her birth. Is that what's spawned this - Angie actually HAVING Brad Pitt's baby -- I mean they've been inseparable for almost a year and a half? Why now? Boy, a psychoptherapist could have a field day with your sad angry @ss.
...and sure, you'll sit on the fence between writing really bad satire and farce, while injecting just enough of the real life events that have been misconstrued about Jolie, into your lil' online essay.
Hey look on the bright side, there are enough wack jobs out there who think and feel exactly the way you do - don't get me wrong, it's not because they TRULY believe this sci-fi nonsense, but simply because they can't wait for any kind of pain, tragedy and atrocity to befall those we are envious of and perceive as 'having it all.'
So Dawn Olsen, with such an incendiary piece of masturbatory and obsessively masked stereotypically catty rage, that you've assaulted us with - you can bet that there are enough crazies in the world that identify with your suggestions and pseudo religious threatening undertones -- I bet they could even become quite the threatening menace to the young family.
Way to go Dawn Olsen! I bet you'd be REAL happy about that. I'm sure you were probably wishing every night that little Shiloh wouldn't even get here, seriously - that's how sick you sound.
Nice gift to a 7 day year old infant and new Mom -- women like you are why I suddenly realize we have practically no power politically in this country or the world. Men aren't nearly as vicious as we are.
It's times like these, I wish Angelina Jolie did have all the supernatural evil power that you ascribe to her - so that she might zap your ugly @ss back to hell where you came from.
*P.S. I love how you caution posters against 'personal attacks.' While you've denigrated a newborn and the most charitable and philanthropic woman in Hollywood, with the most vile crap I've seen ever.
17 - Mary K. Williams
Susie Q - take it down a notch, and play nice.
18 - DJRadiohead
Nice job of mindlessly worshipping two people you have never met, Susie Q.
Other than some of the OBVIOUS (and quite terrific) humor, what did Dawn get wrong? Angelina Jolie did move in on a married man and that is bad form. She did give tongue to her brother on television and she and BBThornton did claim to have f*cked in a limo on the way to an award show. She didn't miss on the stereotype. She went to verifiable, provable facts and used them to paint a picture. It's called good writing. Maybe you could try it rather than tossing mean, unoriginal insults.
19 - DJRadiohead
Cliniqua - you make it too easy. The best response to your insanity is your own commentary. Talk about being catty...
20 - DJRadiohead
I can't wait until school is back in session and these children have fewer hours of unmonitored access to computers and the internet.
21 - YerFUG
Nice that you can admit how homely you are Dawn.
22 - Dawn
I like your name Cliniqua - it's so pharmaceutical sounding.
Worry not for poor Angelina, she has endless resources and an ironclad will to get whatever she wants, even if that means your VERY SOUL.
23 - Mark Saleski
wow dawn! first you're a) an total asshole and then b) you're ugly.
quite a week, i'd say. ;-)
24 - Dawn
I am guessing the story hit the presses - where the rabid Brangelina police are in full swing. Prepare to be deported to HELL!
25 - Victor Plenty
Alas, DJRadiohead, summer is only just beginning. Maybe we can get Dave and Al to post some more stuff about B5, Pretty Ricky, and the Dixie Chicks to distract all the kids.
Hmm. B5, Pretty Ricky, and the Dixie Chicks all in a room together might make for an interesting news story.
Or some other kind of story...