I knew at age five that I didn't want to get married and have children, and I've never seriously questioned that decision. (And I'm now about to turn 40.) I knew then that it was unusual, but reading E. Kay Trimberger's The New Single Woman I came to understand why many people, Americans in particular, find it not just odd, but extraordinary.
She asks: "Is it possible to be a single woman in one's fifties with a full life and a lot of joy?" My answer, "Well of course; you're at least as likely to be happy than if you are married or, at least as likely, going through a divorce." Yet, as Trimberger points out, the general answer is: "Not if you listen to the cultural messages beamed at us.... Only in an intimate couple will we find emotional satisfaction, sexual fulfillment, companionship, security and spiritual meaning." (I'd added, from everything I've read and seen: "particularly in America". These pressures also exist in Britain and the UK, but being societies generally less keen to enforce conformity, they are not as strong.)
Trimberger, by profession a sociologist (she's professor emerita of women's and gender studies at Sonoma State University), over a decade from 1994 followed the progress of a group of 46 middle-class, largely professional women, some white, some African American, some Latina, to explore how their personal and professional lives developed through their thirties, forties and fifties. Her initial finding was that "almost all of the women, even those in their fifties, whether heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual, still hoped to find the 'right one'."
In part seeking answers for her own life — she's a never-married woman who adopted a child on her own at age 40 — Trimberger seeks to identify the steps, emotional and practical, they needed to take to become "happy". She eventually arrives at six key points that she believes single women need:
1. A home "that nurtures her, whether she lives by herself or with other people".
2. Work that is satisfying, allows her to be economincally autonomous, and that also provides "a psychological identity but is not her whole life".
3. Satisfaction with her sexuality, whatever that means.
4. Some connection with the next generation - family relationships, volunteering, proteges or similar.
5. A network of family and friends "that provides companionship and people they can rely on in times of trouble".
6. A community built around that friendship network.
Article comments
1 - Allison O'Connor
Wonderful article and book! My partner and I recently launched a web community exclusively for single women. Our sole intent is to help single women feel empowered and enjoy every aspect of their life. Kay's book is inspirational and a must-read for every single gal!