Boanthropy

What is boanthropy?

In cases of boanthropy, victims come to believe that they are in fact cows. Having arrived at this belief, they begin to act like cows.

According to the probably fictional Peabody Institute, victims first become vegetarians and, if that isn’t bad enough, soon take to mooing and snorting and hanging out in fields. The ‘Peabody Institute’ claims that the ox in the stable at the birth of Jesus was actually a peasant afflicted with the condition. I tend to disbelieve them, though. Joseph and Mary would’ve had to have been incredibly nearsighted.

Attack of the Were-Cows

Boanthropy is related to lycanthropy. People afflicted with lycanthropy think that they are wolves. Legends of were-wolves were probably started by individuals afflicted with the condition. One could refer to an individual with boanthropy as a 'were-cow'. Were-cows have gained nowhere near the notoriety of were-wolves, perhaps because no one cares what happens to grass.

Boanthrope = Misanthrope

Boanthropes are obliged to crawl about on all fours, a task to which the human frame is ill-adapted. They eat only grass and other green vegetables, but prefer not to use their hands. The volume of their lowing serves as a warning to oncoming traffic, but precludes much social contact. And if all that isn’t bad enough, an angry boanthrope will charge when provoked. As someone who has many times been in the path of an angry boanthrope, I would like to assure you that they are dangerous creatures. Most of them have not managed, through force of resolve, to grow horns, but they are not to be deterred by pleas for mercy, or even by the offer of a nearly fresh ham sandwich.

Neb the Cow

Nebuchadnezzar was afflicted with the first known case of boanthropy. The King James Bible says:

Let his heart be changed from man's, and let a beast's heart be given unto him; and let seven times pass over him.

This is one of those cases where God engaged in 'cruel and unusual punishment.' He said to Nebuchadnezzar, "Either heed my words and commands or I will turn you into a cow." Then he said, "No, better yet, I will make you think that you're a cow, and leave you as a man! Oh, I even surprise myself sometimes, omnipotence be damned."

Article Author: Sam Jack

Sam Jack is a college sophomore, and is Editor-in-Chief of the Harvard Independent. Visit him at The Harvard Independent and the Harvard Dems blog.

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