I've always been one for self-improvement, and as the year rolled over and I looked at the hairy fat that has rolled over the top of my jeans, I decided I needed to make some resolutions for the new year. 2006 is the year that everything changes for Blunderford, when I will be a better man, and the world will grow to love me.
So, without further ado, Blunderford's New Year's Resolutions for 2006:
1. Stop imitating Asian people.
2. Buy something from Victoria's Secret to get back on their catalog mailing list.
3. Reduce drinking to one six-pack per day.
4. Buy a little rock with the engraving "Peace" or "Let it go" or some other stupid saying designed to bring me inner calm.
5. Go down to the Army recruiting station and see if they're hard up enough to take a 235-lb., 42-year-old guy with a hairy back, poor eyesight, and slow motor skills.
6. If #5 fails, consider seeking some other form of employment.
7. See about splicing my neighbor's cable. I've been too lazy on this one: I hear it's really easy.
8. Grow my own marijuana instead of being bilked by that motherfu**er Victor. You know you've been gouging me, Victor!
9. Be more open-minded. See #10 for an example.
10. Put something up my ass. Maybe those gay guys know something I don't. It would be wrong to die without finding out at least once.
Feel free to steal any of these resolutions for your own 2006 makeover. And please do let me know of anything you feel might help me become a better person in the new year.
More where this came from at Blunderford.
Article comments
1 - Victor Lana
First things first: # 2 should be # 1, man. Those catalogs need to keep coming.
# 3 seems fair and reasonable, and all the rest are possible if not probable.
Happy new year, Blunderford!
* Just a note: I'm not the "Victor" gouging the author.
2 - Triniman
Here's an idea for your #10 item.
From Pulp Fiction:
"This watch was on your Daddy's wrist when his plane was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a North Vietnamese prison camp. Now he knew if the gooks ever saw the watch it'd be confiscated. Taken away. The way your Daddy looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopeheads were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something; his ass. Five long years he wore this watch, up his ass. Then, just before he died of amoebic dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you."
3 - Christopher Rose
Put your #8 to #1 is the first step, then take the little rock and throw it at the recruiting station and return to your new #1.
Oh yeah, on the #10: the male gspot's up there somewhere, which is the secret of the popularity of gay sex, I guess! Still looking for mine...
Oh yeah, dieting's good too. I started about June 2004 and have lost about 25lbs so far. I find the discipline hard so I write down everything I eat in a blog, like a kind of external public discipline.