Dear Elsa,
I recently found out my live in fiance is addicted to porn. At first he was "mad" that I found out... then said he was glad I knew. My problem is, how do I deal with it? Do I try and make him accountable for his every move on the computer? Do I "shut off" the computer? Put on a porn blocker? If I take away the computer somehow, what do I do when he "gets mad"?
Please help... this is now controlling my every thought.
Obsessed Fiance
Dear Fiance,
You can block and restrict and whatever else you may think of, and none of it is going to do any good. For one thing, in spite of your Sun Venus in Cancer, you are not this guy's mother. And even if you were, it still wouldn't work! And it may help you understand if you take the 'porn" out of the equation and just think in terms of "addiction" because they all work the same. So lets do that.
Does hiding the bottle from the alcoholic stop them from drinking? It doesn't. Does hiding the donuts help the overeater? No. Does screaming at someone, "Quit smoking those fucking cigarettes," do any good? It does not. It doesn't work when the addict is 16. And you're 40. So I assume your man is of similar age and what he has is a problem.
He has a problem that you cannot affect in any way at all. Figuring this out... coming to understand this and accept this is your problem. Beyond that, deciding what you want to do is your problem. Do you want to marry a man who is addicted to porn? Personally, I think you should postpone that decision and go educate yourself and I have some leads.
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