Even if you landed your dream gig tomorrow, you will not feel “sun and fun.” Because you will still be you. You will still be searching, reaching, trying, yearning. People will still like you. You will still like them -- not so much. You will still feel as if you are in a “holding pattern” because this is who you are and how you are — and is that so bad?
Is it bad to be deep? I don’t think so. Would you like to be a veneer? Here’s a story.
I was watching CNN once, during some kind of crisis. Oh! It was when the DC snipers were loose. Anyway, one of the on-camera guys was interviewing someone — some cop I guess — and this cop was a big guy. He was tall. The newsman, on the other hand, was short. Very short! So he was standing there, with his arm all the way extended to reach the taller man’s mouth, and he looked distressed. He looked just stressed out of his mind.
Cut to commercial and back to the interview. All of a sudden the newsman is now not just as tall as the cop, he’s taller! He must have made them get him a bucket to stand on, I guess. And he had this smug look on his face, like “I’m tall now, you motherfuckers”.
So think about that. He’s got a big career, but look at the insecurity! What’s a bastard like that going to do when his hairline recedes, hmm??
So with that in mind, re-read your question. I think you will see a sketch of confident, secure, and solid man who is painfully aware of his limitations and the limitations of others, i.e., the people who do not keep their promises. One man is a man. The other man is an embarrassment. And based on this, maybe you can see what I mean. You’re good the way you are.
Try to release your pain. Channel it into your art because it will always, always, always be part of you. And if you can understand and embrace this, if you can learn to celebrate it rather than trying to get to a feeling state that will never exist for you (and may not exist at all), I think you'll see things ease. You’re an artist, maaan. I’m sorry.
Good luck.
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