Instead, I figured it was the end of the road for me with music. I didn’t mention anything about this to God, because I knew we would both be embarrassed, and I wanted to spare Him the awkward conversation. The novel experience of “not getting exactly what I wanted from God just when I wanted it” didn’t fit into my theological framework at the time.
How could God set me up for such a tease, handing over something I have dreamed about for so long, and then snatching it away? Why would God do that to me? It didn’t compute. So I just kind of buried it, and went on to graduate school to do something else.
I was good at academic life. I knew how to go to lectures, study, write essays, take exams, and get really good grades. I liked the way it was already structured for me, and all I had to do was show up on campus and plug in. The only decisions I had to make were housing, a meal plan, and my choices of coursework.
But that music business thing — getting in a plane by myself and going to a big city where I had never been before, where I didn’t know anyone, and then finding a job and an apartment and meeting new friends — this I could not fathom. On top of that, the thought of actually taking initiative, making phone calls, scheduling appointments, and approaching complete strangers about doing business? Competing with other musicians who were much more talented than I was? This was terrifying to me. You might as well have asked me to jump out of a flying airplane.
Let me tell you, it is a tortuous state of being to have huge dreams and no tolerance for fear. So instead of pursuing a career in songwriting, I made the trade off to safety and comfort by doing things that were more familiar, but not necessarily aligned with my idea of God’s dream for my life at the time.
Frankly, ladies and gentlemen, to be brutally honest about it, I just didn’t have the balls. After giving this a great deal of thought over my life, I believe that’s what God is going to tell me when I stand before him at His eternal throne on Judgment Day.
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