Permission to talk about my confusion of how to help. Acceptance of where I was and what I needed and that he didn't put on his "coach's hat" and get "clinical" with me. I didn't feel like he laid a template on me...perhaps for the first time. I wasn't anything other than me...authentically me...and I was accepted as simply that.
I didn't feel demeaned or lessened or pathologized in anyway by needing to stop--by having a limit--by being tired. It was the first time I felt myself feeling okay about just being there. I didn't feel like I was wasting his valuable time.
It's about time again.
I was feeling guilty about using up any of the valuable time he has left. Like he could be using that time to get WORK done and if I wasn't specifically going to help him work then I was creating an obstacle, a hindrance, perhaps even an annoying one, between him and his work and then if he went into "coach" mode it was even worse! Did he think I was just showing up for free therapy? [oh, the indignity of it all...public admission of not having one's shit together...ooh that pissed me off...big projection fest in this post]
I wasn't trusting that I was worth the time...that I was really cared about as much as I was tolerated because I was kind of cute and funny sometimes and came with useful skills.
It's that desire to feel cherished showing up again. I want someone to stop this whirling dervish...to say to me, "come here and just be with me and I won't let you go until you're okay." Scott has certainly done that for me many times but I guess I was needing it more...needing to feel that coming from more than one isolated place. So, Mike did that for me and that helped me let myself trust him. His initiating was HUGE for me. His saying, "Come here, put that down, stop, I know what you need," and then giving me the space to talk, without judgement, without making me feel weak, or small or less.
I felt cherished and loved and like I wasn't incoveniencing anyone.
Article comments