This entry is dedicated to all the women who love people by doing things for them...lots and lots of thing while continually raising the giving bar so high that you nearly exhaust yourself while feeling guilty for not getting everything done that you had intended to.
And then, of course, there is the little matter of RECEIVING...and let's not even go to the part where you actually ASK someone for something for YOU. First of all, you are far too independent and capable to need anything at all so let's not EVEN go there. You simply do not have limits, you superwoman, you. And if you did...hypothetically...need something and asked for it...I mean, that would be selfish, too much trouble for them, you don't really need it and really, are you worth it?
[Context: In Iyanla's book, see my first post on this Anticipatory Grief project, she has themes for reflection...one of the early ones is Trust. I was realizing that I didn't trust a lot of people. I'm extroverted and gabby and it LOOKS like I open up easily but that's really an illusion. Of course, you can see by these postings that something has fundamentally changed in that regard. When I scanned my life to see how many confidantes I REALLY allowed myself to have...well, Scott (my husband)was it. And, as you will see in this post, now Mike. This post refers to a Friday that I went to help him at his office. That dream in the first A.G.O. post accurately depicts my state of mind that day. I was struggling with wanting to be useful to him but really needing to talk to him about my struggles with the thought of losing him...an admission that I was afraid of because it felt weak...like I was failing spiritually...I didn't want to admit my weaknesses out loud.]
So, what does trust mean?
I told Michael that I trust him now but it's not because he changed, although I think it was the permission that he gave me not be locked in to worker bee mode that helped me get there.
Permission.
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