This entry is dedicated to all the women who love people by doing things for them...lots and lots of thing while continually raising the giving bar so high that you nearly exhaust yourself while feeling guilty for not getting everything done that you had intended to.
And then, of course, there is the little matter of RECEIVING...and let's not even go to the part where you actually ASK someone for something for YOU. First of all, you are far too independent and capable to need anything at all so let's not EVEN go there. You simply do not have limits, you superwoman, you. And if you did...hypothetically...need something and asked for it...I mean, that would be selfish, too much trouble for them, you don't really need it and really, are you worth it?
[Context: In Iyanla's book, see my first post on this Anticipatory Grief project, she has themes for reflection...one of the early ones is Trust. I was realizing that I didn't trust a lot of people. I'm extroverted and gabby and it LOOKS like I open up easily but that's really an illusion. Of course, you can see by these postings that something has fundamentally changed in that regard. When I scanned my life to see how many confidantes I REALLY allowed myself to have...well, Scott (my husband)was it. And, as you will see in this post, now Mike. This post refers to a Friday that I went to help him at his office. That dream in the first A.G.O. post accurately depicts my state of mind that day. I was struggling with wanting to be useful to him but really needing to talk to him about my struggles with the thought of losing him...an admission that I was afraid of because it felt weak...like I was failing spiritually...I didn't want to admit my weaknesses out loud.]
So, what does trust mean?
I told Michael that I trust him now but it's not because he changed, although I think it was the permission that he gave me not be locked in to worker bee mode that helped me get there.
Permission.
Permission to talk about my confusion of how to help. Acceptance of where I was and what I needed and that he didn't put on his "coach's hat" and get "clinical" with me. I didn't feel like he laid a template on me...perhaps for the first time. I wasn't anything other than me...authentically me...and I was accepted as simply that.
I didn't feel demeaned or lessened or pathologized in anyway by needing to stop--by having a limit--by being tired. It was the first time I felt myself feeling okay about just being there. I didn't feel like I was wasting his valuable time.
It's about time again.
I was feeling guilty about using up any of the valuable time he has left. Like he could be using that time to get WORK done and if I wasn't specifically going to help him work then I was creating an obstacle, a hindrance, perhaps even an annoying one, between him and his work and then if he went into "coach" mode it was even worse! Did he think I was just showing up for free therapy? [oh, the indignity of it all...public admission of not having one's shit together...ooh that pissed me off...big projection fest in this post]
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