An Open Letter to the Hooligans Who Broke Into My Car

Dear Random Mischievous Rapscallions,

Thank you for taking the time to break into my car last night. I cannot tell you how much it spruced up an otherwise gloomy Monday morning. I was so excited to come out to my car this morning, dreading the idea of going to work, and finding my door ajar. How kind of you to leave it open so as to air it out with the fresh spring air!

I hope you enjoy the CD/MP3 player. I was also attracted to its shininess and blue backlight and like you I also did not pay for it (an anniversary present thanks to dear Matt Sussman). Please also enjoy the musical talents of Weezer, as my favorite CD of theirs was in the CD player, and also my multi-faceted musical preferences found in the 200-disc CD wallet you borrowed. I ask that you please return the CDs after you upload them to your iTunes. Thank you!

Also, thank you so much for emptying out the entire contents of my glove box. I have been meaning to clean it out for quite some time now and, thanks to you, the entire contents were strewn across the front seat for me to prioritize and reorganize back into the glove box – including the condoms I had managed to hide from my parents since I was 16. I do hope you have some other form of contraception, as you did not take the condoms.

I am glad you realized my driver’s side door lock was ineffective and, as a favor to me, ripped it out, leaving a gaping hole in the door. It was also kind of you to leave the lock on my driver’s seat, but the mechanic said that the lock is worthless. But thanks for the thought. He also said that to repair the door would cost almost $600. So if you would be so kind as to leave that on my windshield the next time you’re in the neighborhood, that would be great.

Article Author: Chelsea Smith

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