I don’t think taking time for myself makes me a bad mummy. So why do I feel so damned guilty?
About a year ago I started to yearn for my freedom. I wanted to be a person again, not just a mother. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter dearly. I wouldn't be without her. She is the light of my life. At the same time I was sick and tired of being a mother.…
Article comments
26 - Scott
Bing, have you ever known the touch of a woman??
27 - Sujatha
A.L., unless you want to be a martyr, taking time for yourself is the only way to go. Parenthood is relentless, as it is. It is more so these days when most families live in nuclear units and so have less adult social interaction than previous generations did. Making some time for yourself is a great way to recharge your batteries and actually be a better mother than you would otherwise be. So go on, enjoy your time, guilt-free.
28 - A.L. Harper
Rach -
Well I obviously go out to coffee with a group of mean, nasty, heavily tattooed, drug dealing bikers. Why would I want to have coffee with a bunch of boring “ladies” *smile*.
My daughter has everything she NEEDS from me. What she WANTS is a different matter and at her age what she wants can change moment to moment. What she wants has very little to do with what’s good for her or what’s right for her. And it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with me, she doesn’t want to spend more time with me she just doesn’t want me to have interests other than her. It’s more that she needs me like a crutch or a plaything or just to be there in case she wants something (like a servant). It’s important NOT to give your kids everything they want. They will grow up expecting that from everyone. And if you’re really over indulgent your child could end up egocentric and emotionally dependant. No one wants that. It’s a fine line and it’s vitally important that you get it right.
I spend every evening with her and my husband and all weekend except for an hour or two on a Sunday afternoon. She has my full love and attention and just wants me to leave her alone then. It’s only when I am about to leave for coffee that she complains.
Ultimately she needs to learn to depend on herself. She is in High School next year.
29 - Mary K. Williams
I think you want someone to lift off the guilt. Why do you think you feel guilty? Could you cut back at work and spend a little more time with her? Maybe your husband could work more to take the burden off you. You know what could work and what is important. My husband and I discussed this. Most kids aren't saying they need Mom-they are seeking independance. Spend more time with her.
Rach-
Seriously, cut AL some slack! Her husband IS helping her, she already said that in her post. Sounds like she already spends plenty of time with her daughter. AL was just making a point that her daughter sometimes gives her a little 'grief' for wanting to do something w/o her - or away from her. Kids do that.
Don't you feel like you need a break from your kids sometimes?
30 - A.L. Harper
Thank you for the encouragement.
The more I think about it and the more comments I read the less alone and guilty I feel. It’s nice to know that it is a very normal part of the evolution of my parenting.
And we have recently had a break through. Last night when I needed to go to a friend in need she only wanted to make sure that it would be me and not her daddy (who’s idea of dinner is generally all the leftover’s he can find fried in a pan with a tin of corned beef *shutter* in Scotland it’s called “Stovies”) who would be cooking dinner. It was very nice to feel like I could be there for my friend and not feel divided by that “mummy guilt”.
So there is hope yet!
31 - chantal stone
I know I need a break from mine....and not because I'm a bad mother, but because I'm a good one. Because when I am with them they get my 100% full attention. Because dedicating so much of yourself to another human being (or 3) is very draining. So taking a break from your children is a GOOD thing, a necessary thing.
32 - A.L. Harper
Mary K -
Thank you!
I think for someone who either doesn't have kids yet or they are still very young and it can be hard to imagine a time when you won't want to be involved with every tiny aspect of their time. I remember when it was like that for me. Then one day you wake up and think “What the hell happened here! Last I looked in the mirror I was 25!” Then you begin to remember that you had goals and interests and although they aren’t as important to you as they once were they do still matter because you still matter as a person not just “THE MOTHER”. It’s easy to feel like you don’t when all anyone seems to want from you is dinner, clean laundry, taxi service or sex (ok that last one isn’t really an issue for me but I know it is for some women.)
33 - A.L. Harper
Chantal -
Absolutely!
34 - Mary K. Williams
AL -
You're welcome! I think Rach has good intentions, but I think in a way it was like preaching to the choir, you seem to have a good grip on what's important. Still you want some validation for these things, about the guilt, which means you take it all seriously.
35 - A.L. Harper
Mary K -
I'm trying. It's sounds like you have given this some serious thought as well.
36 - Mary K. Williams
It's sounds like you have given this some serious thought as well
Hellyeah! I could go on and on, and I will try not to. : )
I know there are things I can be doing better, and I don't just mean giving a nutritional snack EVERY time, or remembering the sunblock EVERY time. Sure I screw up on those things, and not to make light of them, but there are other more important things that I would like to do better at. Temper control, not making them do more things for themselves, stuff like that.
But I do feel reassured when almost every school meeting, for both kids (almost 11 and 17) I get the same thing from the teachers - "what a nice child". And then I look around, wondering who they are talking to. LOL. OK so they can behave outside the home, us looking over their shoulder. Wish they could spread the love around a little more at home, but I guess by all acounts I consider that lucky.
As far as Me Time - I was lucky to be able to stop 'working outside the home' when I was pregnant w/the younger one, and havnt looked back. Got real busy doing more and more Mom stuff, and that was fine. And as they both were school age, I was in heaven! Wow, what do I do w/all this time!
Fast forward a few years, and now freelance writing, and it's not easy, mostly because I still feel guilty. Funny huh. But its getting better.
37 - Rach
Noone wants guilt. Why is it there though? If your daughter is complaining about this, you need to talk about it. If she doesn't know how to make a simple dinner or a snack, then she should learn. If your daughter is lazy, that is one thing. But could there be another reason she wants you home?
BTW, I'm all for moms getting to fitness class and having some outside interests. My point: If she is complaining, get to the root of it.
38 - A.L. Harper
Mary K -
Couldn't we all do better at the little stuff but like you said that's not really the important stuff. It's the silent stuff. That’s what I like to call it that stuff that you only notice when you’re really on the ball. That’s the stuff that matters. My husband and I have been able to see and deal with that so far. I don’t think we’re terrible parents, but you always think your parenting skills are lacking when compared to what your child deserves.
It’s getting better for my daughter. She seems to be becoming much more confident and self reliant recently. I hope that is a result of my own bid for independence but is more likely to be her age and maturity level.
It’s nice to know that it does get better. It is also very comforting to know that so many others understand what it’s like, how I feel. Makes me feel positively normal.
39 - A.L. Harper
Rach -
I really appreciate that you are that concerned for my little girl’s welfare. Thank you.
My point - she isn't complaining because there's a problem she's complaining because she thinks her parents should be there at her beck and call like all children. It is simply that I’m not there at every moment to wait on her hand and foot. She isn’t lazy she can make her own snacks if need be but she doesn’t need to. I am spending only an hour a day at the gym (which I go to first thing in the morning " 6.00am), and a couple of hours most Sundays at the coffee shop. I haven’t abandoned her.
And I would like it noted " my husband is here when I’m not. SHE IS NEVER ALONE. She is only 12 and that is illegal in Scotland. You can't leave a child alone here until they are 13.
40 - brink craven
i think you know that youre not being a bad mother. it seems to me that youre looking for some support about what youre doing and I think thats ok too.
you feel guilt because its bred (and possibly hardwired) into us as women and mothers. ever heard of "mothers guilt"? its there for a reason and its real. probably an evolutionary measure made to keep us from abandoning our children-and as you can attest, it works! (in most cases anyway) so lighten up and have a good time--you are being an excellent role model for your daughter. If she sees her liberated and satisfied mom having a good, fun and fullfilling life, she will be more than likely to follow suit and have one herself, and what more could we possibly want for our children than that?
41 - A.L. Harper
Brink "
“I think you know that you’re not being a bad mother. it seems to me that you’re looking for some support about what you’re doing and I think that’s ok too.”
I like to think I’m not a bad mother but I’m never sure. It seems the more I go on the less sure I am that I can handle what lies ahead. But I also don’t think that anyone is ever sure.
“you are being an excellent role model for your daughter. If she sees her liberated and satisfied mom having a good, fun and fulfilling life, she will be more than likely to follow suit and have one herself, and what more could we possibly want for our children than that?”
I hadn’t really thought of it that way. But now that you have pointed it I see how right you are. I wouldn’t want my daughter to ever feel like I have been feeling. I could actually be helping her in the long run. Wow!
42 - Christopher Rose
Stop worrying, A.L., you're doing fine - and even better now that you can broaden your horizons. Good for you.
43 - Eric Berlin
This story has been chosen as an Editors' Pick of the Week. You now have the grave yet giddy honor of selecting a story for next week's best of column if you like (time frame 2/1 " 2/7). Simply leave the title, URL, and a brief description of why you dig it on this week's post (link above).
Congrats!!
44 - A.L. Harper
Christopher
Thanks mate!
You know it has surprised me how many men seem to understand what I am feeling too. Maybe "mummy guilt" is more "parent guilt". Do men feel the same guilt when they want a little me time away from their kids?
Makes me wonder.
45 - A.L. Harper
Eric -
Wow! I'm honored! Oh god now my all verklmpt!
I'll do my best to pick an excellent story.
46 - Joanie
You're an excellent mother! You've found balance between personal and parenting needs.
Our children, while precious gifts, have the ability to drain us. We need to re-energize somehow.
As well, it's important that parents are seen as self-actualized beings, capable of caring for ourselves, setting an example for our children.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You've done exactly what more parents should do!
47 - Scott Butki
Read it again and still think you sound like a good mother.
48 - trooper_D
"Do men feel the same guilt when they want a little me time away from their kids?"
To me, the only guilt some men would have is if he hasn't done enough for them, or doesn't even care for them. I'm talking about those who would totally abuse their wife/girlfriend, who goes out drinking and partying with the boys and forgets about the family back home. The kind of man who only cares for himself and leaves the family to fend for themselves. Only after it's too late, will he realize his mistakes.
Raising a family is a two-party deal... a mother and a father. Two people who would instill much wisdom and knowledge that would develop their children's minds as they grow into adulthood, to teach them how to become respectable and responsible adults later in life.
Sometimes a couple needs to have time to themselves when raising a family, to go out and do things as a couple just to balance out their lives. And sometimes, a couple may just need time away from each other, to recoop their mental well being.
In short, no... you are not a bad mother for wanting to do the things you want to do. Your daughter is getting older, and soon, she will be hanging with her friends and doing things that teenagers normally do. When that happens, you will definitely have more time to do all of things you really want to do. She'll still need you at times, but probably not as often as she did when she was younger.
So enjoy yourself a little at a time at first, because you'll have a lot of time later on.
49 - A.L. Harper
Thanks Trooper!
50 - trooper_D
You're welcome, A.L.
Time to partee and get down!!!!!
*** dances to disco music in angel flight clothing, does the john travolta split, and... ooops! ***
51 - Anita
Hi- I cried when I read your article , I am in the same boat as you are , well kinda! I have 2 wonderful boys and I am a caring , loving , affectionate mother and they are wonderful children that i love dearly and they are boys , my boys fight and argue all the time , however I am a tired mother. I know that I work to much , part of this is to help my mother with her stuff since she is older and is retired .I do wish to have a day off , I work 7 days a week between 65-70 hrs and on top of that I need to take care of our boys , taking them to baseball practices, swimming lessons , laudry ,cooking, homework and the nagging of my husband complaining that I am " too tired " to make love. I have exploded the other night and I scream and yield at the boys( 10 and 8 ) .. I was scared at myself because my voice was like a mean mother , like a bad mother, I was surprided on how this loving mother could turn in to this devil, I turned in to a monster.. that night and the night after and the one after that I cried myself to sleep , because I found a paper in my youngest son's dresser, that said: "I love dad, I hate mom"..so you can just imagine....
I do not have time to go out with friends , not even with the neighbors ,or the gym which I love to go and I have a membership ,If i ever go to a bar with a good friend of mine my husband gets jealous of my going thinking that someone might hit on me , and he is worry , so to not create more caos I just stay at the house I just go to work and from working outside the home I go to work at home ( I call it home "hell home ) I go to bed tired and I wake up tired. My husband keeps on telling me that I need to be in some type of medication because he thinks I am bipolar, becuase of my mood swings .. I do wish to go home and rest for at least 15 minutes , I know this is not much but I would love ot get 15 minutes for me ..only ME ....or be able to watch TV...without any interruptions...since I do not watch TV at all...I wonder how come people ( at work )talk about all this new shows on TV and I can not imagine at what time or when I would be able to watch TV...I am only 33....