About a year ago I started to yearn for my freedom. I wanted to be a person again, not just a mother. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter dearly. I wouldn't be without her. She is the light of my life. At the same time I was sick and tired of being a mother.
You know what I mean - the person who makes the meals, does the laundry and reminds everyone where to be and when to be there (and most the time gets them there). I didn’t feel like a person anymore. I didn’t feel like a woman anymore. I felt like a MOTHER machine.
Now that my daughter is getting older (12 is too older) I wanted some of my life back. I wanted some me time. And I decided to start small.
Step one –I started going to the gym every morning before work (something I knew my husband could get behind). My husband gets my daughter up and off to school every morning and I go directly from the gym to work. It has worked out very well. He has really taken to it and even seems to like it. And he gets a fit, happy wife in return.
Step two - on Sunday I go and have coffee with friends for a couple of hours. My daughter complains that I’m not at home spending time with her. However when I do stay home she just wants to sit and watch TV, play video games. Last week after sitting at home all morning watching her watch TV I decided to go to coffee. What did she say as I was leaving? “But what if I want something? You won’t be here for me.” That’s when it dawned on me, we both want the same thing – whatever is going to make HER happiest.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - diana hartman
i have 3 kids (12, 19, and 20)...
the 19 yr old is highstrung...she's as creative, intelligent, and funny as she is volatile...
she's the reason i dismissed almost all of my guilt about needing that precious "me" time...
i would've gotten there eventually with the other two...
every mother needs time off and away...and you're absolutely right that a rested mother is a better mother...
your daughter doesn't want you to leave and yet just watches tv because she's not necessarily looking for your company, she's looking for the security of your presence...that, and how can she ask dad about a lipstick she saw on tv or if this shirt looks good with those shoes? even if he has an opinion, it's not mom's opinion...dread not, you will return and she can ask you then, and nothing tragic will befall her before you get there...
some women can do it full time and a half without a day off, but that's not me and that's not most mothers...if i didn't do anything for me, i would lose my mind and shortly thereafter, my children...they would come and take me away for sure...
the guilt is there to make sure you don't neglect your child, and as long as you're not doing that, the guilt has no purpose...it's not the guilt's job to make itself go away, that's your job...it's not easy sometimes, but do it anyway...yours is an unearned guilt (as opposed to earned guilt which comes from having actually done something wrong)...
that the guilt shows up when you leave is a normal part of mothering...to hang on to it is not...
you're doing fine...you take those breaks, you spend that time, and you try to do something productive with your guilt -- like ignore it...if that gets sticky, assure yourself by remembering the time you spend with your child, what you do when you're together, how she carries herself, how she's doing in school, how she interacts with others, etc...if she's fine, you're good to go; now go!
2 - Bliffle
After about 20 or 30 years of parenting my own children I started to realize what good people my parents were.
3 - chantal stone
I'm a mother of 3 (3, 8 and 10) and I feel the same way, A.L......
I love my children, and I love my husband, happily married for almost 12 years, but when I look back at the past 10-11 years or so, there is a large block of time I don't even remember. I call it the "silent 5"...the five years between ages 22 and 27 where I rememebr DOING stuff, I remember giving birth twice, buying a house, raising and loving my kids, first days at school , teaching them to ride a bike, etc... but I don't remember ME during that time. My family was there--my husband, my kids, time certainly passed, but I was missing. I let myself--my needs, my desires, my dreams--fall to the way-side.
Then on my 27th birthday I woke up suddenly very depressed, and I immediately set out on a quest of self discovery. Then over the next few years, I slowly began to regain myself, and take more time for me. Yes, the guilt was ever-present, as I spent time pursuing my own dreams and interests, but then I noticed my children were happier--Mommy wasnt yelling all the time....my husband was happier---Wifey wasn't nagging all the time. And I was happier too.
It's so important that we, as mothers, as wives, as women take time for ourselves. We can still take wonderful care of our families without losing ourselves. And our families are better off because of it.
4 - Scott Butki
Good post. Food for thought.
I'm going to think on this and come back later.
5 - Eric Olsen
A.L., I think you are doing exactly the right thing, and if you're just takign action now on "me time" after 12 years, I'd say you're a flipping saint. Everyone needs time to themselves, period. Very nice story, thanks and welcome!
6 - A.L. Harper
Diana -
Thank you for your thoughts! It's nice to know that it gets better and easier. And I do enjoy my me time. I'll try to put that guilt behind me. And maybe leave a little more food in those dishes too.
7 - A.L. Harper
Chantal -
I'm glad to hear you're getting out there.
8 - A.L. Harper
Eric -
*Polishes Halo* Yeah well....
Did I tell you that Eric is my little brothers name. Good name that!
9 - Rach
Just remember that your little girl wants you now-are the coffee girls worth it? Listening
to you, I realize what a saint my mom is. She's
a writer, did the group thing too (but not the
fitness)-but I never had to ask for her time.
Make sure you're available.
10 - A.L. Harper
Rach -
Of course if she needs me I'm here and it's not about my coffee clatch (although who said it was girls?) it's about my sanity.
11 - Eric Olsen
ah, I knew yours was a good family! No Erics have ever fought a war against each other, or was that deomocracies? Nonetheless ...
12 - Mary K. Williams
Rach - It does sound like A.L. is available as much as she can be. And sometimes our kids might want us, and they can't have us. That's surely not the end of the world. It's the real world. It's not healthy to be there 24/7 for our kids. Not for them, and not for us.
Not that children should ever feel real abandonment, though sadly so many do. For as many times as I personally feel guilty about my parenting skills - I hear some crazy news report about neglected children - and then realize maybe some things I'm doing OK with.
13 - Scott Butki
Just the mere fact you're thinking about these questions and issues and wrestling with these problems demonstrates how much caring and intensity you put into your job as a mother. And that's more than most mothers.
So no, A.L., you are not a bad mother.
14 - Bing
You're only a bad mother if you take parenting advice from Hillary Clinton.
15 - Scott
And Ted Kennedy, right Bing?
16 - Anony
of course, Bing, Chelsea isn't near the model child the Bush girls are....hiccup!
17 - zingzing
what the hell does this have to do with politics, bing? i'm only here for you.
18 - Bing
Well considering Hillary's past statements like "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies," and her touting of the public school system while she sent her only daughter to private school I'd say Hillary is not your average Mom.
Not to mention the fact that for the majority of Chelsea's life Hillary has lived in either the governor's mansion in Arkansas or the white house where she had staff who did all of the things that most ordinary moms do like cook dinner and do housework.
Also Hillary stayed with a cheating husband who obviously had no respect for her just so she could ride his political coattails and she is heralded as a female rolde model for young women by the left?
Give me a break.
This hag isn't fooling anyone but those on the far left and she will never get elected if she runs in 2008.
19 - Anony
Not to mention the fact that for the majority of Chelsea's life Hillary has lived in either the governor's mansion in Arkansas or the white house where she had staff who did all of the things that most ordinary moms do like cook dinner and do housework.
And the Bush girls lived in the governor's mansion or the White House for at least as long.
Hillary isn't fooling anyone but those on the far left and she will never get elected if she runs in 2008.
Of course she won't get elected if she is nominated. The far left does not support her, she is too centrist.
20 - A.L. Harper
Bing â€"
I’m not sure what you think your conservative political views have to do with my “mother guilt” and I don’t really care, I do however have a couple things to say. After reading your comment:
"Not to mention the fact that for the majority of Chelsea's life Hillary has lived in either the governor's mansion in Arkansas or the white house where she had staff who did all of the things that most ordinary moms do like cook dinner and do housework."
It’s obvious that you don’t actually have a mother, if you think that’s all they do. I also doubt you are a parent so I would be more likely to take parenting tips from Michael Jackson than someone as clueless you are.
"Also Hillary stayed with a cheating husband who obviously had no respect for her just so she could ride his political coattails and she is heralded as a female role model for young women by the left?"
At least he likes women - which by the condescending and malicious tone of your comments - it's obvious you don’t.
By the way I corrected your spelling errors.
21 - A.L. Harper
Scott Butki and Mary K -
Thank you for the support and understanding. It really helps to know that others know and understand what it is I’m feeling. And I am feeling better just knowing that I am not alone in my “mummy guilt”.
22 - Bing
Harper
I know that's not all that moms do. The point is that Hillary has a very condescending attitude toward the average mother.
Remember the "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had tea" remark? Apparently Hillary thinks that she is better than any woman who has chosen to not work but rather stay home with her children. Can you get more demeaning?
I like women I just don't like liberal hypocritical women like Hillary and the left. When Clarence Thoma was nominated Anita Hill came foward and accused him of sexual harassment and all the militant feminist left wing groups came out to bash Thomas and support Hill. They said "women never lie about sex."
However when the slew of women came foward years later to accuse Bill Clinton of sexual harassment these grups did not support these women but rather did everything they could to paint these women as liars. See the hypocrisy?
Just because I'm not a woman does not mean I'm not allowed to have an opinion. most of these so called left leaning women's rights groupsa re actually just mouthpieces of the far left as they will attack any woman who does not share thier sociopolitical views.
You yourself Harper stick up for that letch Bill Clinton. You're no better than them. Is that what you want to tell your daughters if they date an abusive man who cheats on them? "Well you should stick with him despite the fact that he has no respect for you because he has a good creer and you might be able to further your career with him like Hillary did with Bill."
23 - A.L. Harper
Bing -
Spelling dearest.
24 - Rach
Sorry, I imagined that you were going out with girls. Your coffee clatch is with guys? Maybe it's a mixed group of tattooed friends... will you be on INKED soon? Just teasing...
I think you want someone to lift off the guilt. Why do you think you feel guilty? Could you cut back at work and spend a little more time with her? Maybe your husband could work more to take the burden off you. You know what could work and what is important. My husband and I discussed this. Most kids aren't saying they need Mom-they are seeking independance. Spend more time with her.
25 - Rach
In a year maybe she'll ASK you to go to coffee!