Advice This: Pru Vs Pete - Page 3

-- Imprudent Adopter

Dear Adopter,

I'll get right to the point - Do you live near a river? Do you own a burlap sack? If the answers are yes, the solution is right in front of you! If not, I assume you can drive. Ever play softball? If the answers are yes, take your cat for a little ride on the open highway late at night. Get up to about 55mph, roll down the window and release the pitch. Throwing a cat out a car window is much like throwing a softball, with one small exception: The softball usually doesn't scream when you throw it. Don't worry about the cat. No matter how they are dropped or thrown, cats always land on their feet. Believe you me, I've done enough research of my own to know this is true.

As an aside, what I found most disturbing about your letter wasn't the cat but your complaints: She is needy. Her screaming in the early morning hours wakes you up. Her inability to learn the basics of litter-box usage or basic grooming, and a tendency to drool. These traits have caused you to hate and neglect your cat - and now you have a baby on the way?

I hate to tell you this, but this baby is going to be like a big hairless cat on steroids. So, to avoid answering your next letter - "Dear Prudence, how do I get rid of a needy baby?" - I'll simply give you the answer now. Get an abortion as soon as possible.

And then stick with houseplants or goldfish until you grow the fuck up.

Pete

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Dear Prudie,

-- Untrusting

Sure, why not? If he promises he's not seeing anyone else, you can trust him completely.

Ironically, that's the same answer I gave to a letter written last week. The one written by the man's wife.

Pete

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Dear Prudence,