There have been things I've done in my life that I've had to apologize for, and I know how hollow some of those apologies were until I was able to change my behaviour sufficiently that my actions suited my words. While there is a school of thought that says unless we learn how to forgive those who have hurt us we will never fully recover from the damage inflicted upon us, it sounds far too much like the same behaviour we practised as children in the hopes of making things better. It still feels like we're not standing up for ourselves, and giving the abuser power over us. People can say all they like that forgiveness doesn't mean you condone what somebody did, but quite frankly I'd rather just have the strength to tell them to fuck off out of my life and leave me alone.
As a child I didn't have the power to do that and was forced to do whatever necessary to survive. I no longer have to surrender anything of myself to my abuser and I no longer have to try to make them happy. Asking me, or anyone, to forgive their abuser, no matter what shape that forgiveness comes in, is like asking us to return to being a victim. That's not about to happen anytime soon.
Article comments
1 - Jon Sobel
A very moving and well-considered piece... thank you for writing it.
2 - Ruvy
Richard,
I second everything that Jon said above.
3 - roger nowosielski
Very deeply moving and insightful presentation, Richard. It certainly does seem to place natural limits on "forgive thy enemies" precept, doesn't it?
If I were you - and forgive this remark, please, if you find it insensitive - I would definitely think about writing a book. From my admittedly limited experience with pain and disappointment, it is one way of being able to come to terms with the past and with oneself.
Roger
4 - Irene Wagner
Excellent, Richard. What a burden it is for the seriously wounded to feel they've missed forgiveness if the relationship is not restored. An enemy isn't a friend or spouse you've had a tiff with. Forgiven or not, he's an enemy.
To Roger Nowosielski: The Greek word for forgive is apheiemi -- which also means to forsake, lay aside, leave, let alone, omit, send away...It carries the connotation of "letting go."
Praying for enemies means relinquishing their fate into another's hands. And after that, you stay away from your enemies to protect yourself from their influence--and that includes purging yourself of the poisonous hatred they poured into you.
5 - roger nowosielski
I have had one experience of just so doing - forgiving an enemy. And it was liberating, Irene. But the situation was nowhere near like what Richard describes. That's why I am inclined to think that forgiveness (for humans) might have natural limits.
And yes, it is a form of prayer. In fact, I'm inclined to believe it's impossible outside of the context of prayer.
6 - Irene Wagner
I think you may have misunderstood #4, which was probably too long a comment. It appears to me that Richard HAS forgiven.
7 - roger nowosielski
I'm aware of that. What I was addressing is the long and protracted process.
8 - Richard Marcus
Umm, just to clarify matters - I've not forgiven my abuser and have no plans on doing so now or in the future, although I have left most of it in the past.
Roger - if I wrote a book about my abuse I'd have to go on Oprah and that would just be too much for my blood sugar to handle! Seriously, I've no interest in foisting my life's story on the rest of the world - nobody needs to read about it as there's enough pain in the world that people don't need to read about the details of mine. Articles like these are to talk about a particular issue or technique that has to do with what survivors of abuse go through and I use myself as an example becaue it's the one I know the best.
Thanks everybody for commenting about the article
Richard Marcus
9 - roger nowosielski
Thanks for responding, Richard.
10 - Richard Marcus
Sorry I did want to ask Jon something - where did you find the painting(picture) that you used on the front page with the article. That's a great image thanks for using it with the article - very appropriate.
Richard Marcus
11 - Jeannie Danna
This piece must have been very difficult for you to write.
Thank you for sharing such a painful story with the world.
12 - Joanne Huspek
Someone once told me you can only forgive someone if they ask for your forgiveness. Otherwise the sentiment of forgiveness is misplaced.
That may seem rather cynical but it actually prevents wasting your time expending forgiveness on a person who doesn't want it.
13 - Silas Kain
Richard, thank you for this piece. In many ways your sentiments reflect my own.
I, too, am sorry for many of my actions in my younger days. The first two thirds of my life were governed from the perspective of a child who was abused, betrayed and left as a pawn. It doesn't forgive some of the things I've done but in analyzing my life, I learned why I would react to specific situations. Once my grandmother confirmed that she knew, right down to the date of the first act, about my abuse things radically changed. And in that turmoil, a process began that lasted a dozen years. The man I am today is a far cry from the frightened, indecisive belligerent man I became after puberty.
Eight years ago, I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to my former abuser one on one. HE was scared, didn't know how to respond. I learned how he had been arrested twice for being caught in the act with a girl and a boy. I then learned that family members pulled their aces with politicians and local police officials to get him off. These arrests, by the way, occurred before my abuse began. Unbeknown to him, I was already made aware of the phone calls and favors that were collected.
In our discussion, I made it clear that I did not blame him entirely for what happened. My own grandmother's betrayal (including that of her three sons who knew what went on and remained silent) was far more egregious than the abuse itself. Abuse is something that can be worked through -- betrayal is quite a different matter. My abuser was wrong. He should have been punished. The politicians and police officials who pulled the strings were wrong and they should be held to account for all the victims that followed me. They were and are the enablers and as such they should share in the blame and subsequent fallout.