A Two-John White House?

John Kerry revealed today his choice for running mate: first-term North Carolina Senator John Edwards. The Democratic Vice Presidential candidate is considered better looking than his immediate rival, Dick Cheney, and also scores well against Dan Quayle and Christina Aguilera.

Cheney is said to be undergoing an "extreme makeover," which could mean, at the minimum, a tanning booth, and at the top end, maybe a pacemaker adjustment. Cheney's got the CEO cool, but he should play on his strength as a "war vice president" because otherwise he's a sitting duck. Edwards is a trial lawyer, friend of the "little guy." Cheney's breakfast.

John "Dimples" Edwards is perhaps the only man in America who can straddle the great divide between the four sexes. Straight women and gay men are a lock.

Kerry made a difficult choice in Edwards. He chose a smart man, a smarter man, arguably, and a man who will outshine him by simply standing behind him. Which is what Vice Presidents do.

Kerry has to know how stupid this is. Why make yourself look uglier than you already are?

Lincoln was not a handsome man. He was tall and gawky, "angular" they called him, "glandular" others. Finally it took a child, expressing her hopes in a letter that he might hide his hideous forebearance thence forth by way of a dark and shaggy beard (paraphrased due to lack of research and initiative). The point: he took the hint. It helped.

Kerry's got to do something. First of all, a tailor. Shirtsleeves we're sick of. Second: two words. Underlighting! Lurch. Third: You any good on that guitar over there? Fourth: who have you rescued lately? Update your b-roll.

For John Edwards, just add glasses and a bad haircut — done.

Politics isn't difficult. It's all image. Pixels!

Article Author: CW Fisher

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