Without any caffeine yet at 7:45am to transform my decayed form into Mark-Ra the ever-living, I usually find myself drifting into slumberland on my morning train into Manhattan. Throw on some lounge jazz on the iPod and adios muchacos, I'm a Z producing factory. Of course, so often the train exists as an antithesis of a good nap, and many a factor can keep me from that seemingly vital 25 minute burst of unconsciousness. This morning, that factor was a spider.
Had it been a spider on the train seat or floor, then it could have kissed its web spinning ass goodbye. Unless I was feeling a wee bit humanitarian and then I might have just given it a swift sweep kick to the other side of the car. But no. This spider decided to be sitting at the top of a woman's ponytail sitting directly in front of me. Somehow, the little bugger must have taken a bad leap from a tree, and now it's stuck here. This is like Arachnophobia, when the country spider makes an accidental trip to the city. Hooray for coincidence. Now, back to me being paranoid.
I couldn't take my eyes off of it. It was bright green, about 3/4" with legs, and was light enough that it could crawl all over her ponytail without being noticed yet big enough that I could not just squash it between my fingers with a speedy Karate Kid chopstick pinch. I was confounded what to do.
I wanted to say, "Hey Lady, you got a spider in your hair," and be done with it. But then, what if she was a serious spiderphobe and went ballistic? Next. So I entertained the light shoulder tap from behind, with the warning of "Stay verrrry verrrry still," while I tried to get the spider. But this is New York, she might think I have a weapon and mace me. Next. So I thought of just flicking it. But what if it lands on someone else? Aargh.
Then comes the apathy bug. I thought, why should I care? I don't know this lady. I'm not her guardian angel. I have nothing against spiders, but if I close my eyes, it could be one of those jumping spiders that leaps onto me next. And that would suck. Nothing worse than waking up to a spider crawling on your ear. Bet that made you just itch your ear, eh?
Alas, this is not like those moments when a stranger has a huge booger hanging from their nose, and you do a quick nod, raise your brows in worry and motion to wipe their nose. No, this is way beyond my sleepless capacity for rational thought. This was one of those moments when you look around at a dozen people right around you, and of course, everyone was either sleeping or reading the Times or Wall Street Journal. Damn it, this was my burden it seemed.
Article comments
1 - parker
I went to the car dealer to take in my car for maintenance. I had a really long converstation with the person behind the desk, then went to the bathroom before my long wait. When I looked in the mirror, I realized I had a tick sitting smack dab in the middle of my forehead. Now, IMO I felt that they should have mentioned it. What if it were carrying lime disease? I think that they didn't mention it because they wanted to get a good score on the customer service survey they send everyone after their service.
Sure was embarassing. Now let me tell you about the embarrassing moth worms crawling around on my sweater one day at work...
2 - Mark Sahm
Yikes. How did you not feel it? Was it at your hairline? I'm just wondering it was latched on without any sensation. Quite funny though. You can spare me the moth worm story though.
3 - KYS
Food between the teeth, unclean nostril, inidentified goo stuck to hair...it's a true friend indeed who will give you the heads-up.
4 - Bennett
Very amusing post, Mark! Thanks for the grins.
Bennett
5 - Duane
Murderer!
But seriously, I would have taken a pair of pocket scissors and snipped off the ponytail, letting it fall to the floor, then killed the little bastard spider to death, who has the audacity to board a train. What was it thinking, anywa?. You would have been a hero to the young damsel. Well, maybe next time you will be prepared.
6 - KYS
Duane- would you like to join our new "Terrorist Task Force"? You'd be awesome. ;)
7 - Duane
Do you have some kinda plan to terrorize the insect and arachnid kingdoms? I'm there, dude.
8 - KYS
Absolutely! We can no longer tolerate the fundamentalist ravings of the multi-legged. Encrypted instructions to follow....
Oops! I'm off-topic here...
9 - Mark Sahm
My fiance has volunteered me for that same task force since I have to kill anything that unlawfully enters the apartment, no matter what size...
But the green spider met a significantly less painful death than that house centipede that invaded the kitchen last year.
10 - Leoniceno
I was at a camp one summer, you know, sleeping in a tent, and a spider crawled down my shirt, and then when I woke up--I found it there. Not pleasant. Entertaining story.
-Leoniceno