“Too Much Breast Milk "is a phrase I coined referring to the disposition of over-parented, underutilized adult men. This analysis is not intended for branding, bashing or discounting men, but to study and discuss the anomaly that occurs when men are raised by women who relate to them more like wives (less the sex of course :-) than mothers. I find the topic truly fascinating and want to hear more stories and feedback from men and women who recognize or have experienced the detriment brought on by such rearing.
It seems we now live in a society where several generations of women have been raised to "run and manage households", while men have been coddled and protected in a skewed effort to protect their manhood and ego. I know countless men who are products of this type of rearing - a rearing where in the majority of cases, the custodial parent, dominant parent or primary disciplinarian in the household was the mother. These were strong, resilient, hard-working mothers - who often times were single-handedly raising multiple children. These mothers subconsciously reared their daughters to be clones of themselves (self-sufficient, hardworking, ambitious and determined) and simultaneously raised their sons to be more reliant and expectant than dependent.
My own rearing is a prime case study of the subject matter. The same mother and father parented my sister, brother and me. While my sister and I are only 18 months apart, our younger brother is 8 years our junior. Our father left the home when my brother was a mere infant. Thus, our growth and managing the household became the sole responsibility of my mother. She insisted my sister and I were present for her monthly task of writing checks to pay bills, balancing her checkbook, preparing grocery lists and ANY other duties relevant to running the household.
Article comments
1 - diana hartman
i'm going to side with those who note the difference in your sibling's ages rather than your sibling being a boy child...additionally, his being the youngest no doubt influenced your mother's treatment of him...
while there's a 14 month difference between my younger brother and i, there's a 10 yr difference between my sister and i...my two other brothers are 4 yrs older and 3 yrs younger...that still leaves a 7 yr gap between my youngest brother and my sister...
we older 4 often joke (not that it's so very funny) about "our mother" and "her mother" because there was a stark difference in how we were raised versus how she was treated...and that's precisely how we see it: we were "raised" and she was "treated"...granted there were the four of us at once where my mother had my sister pretty much to herself (as mom and dad had divorced shortly after she hit puberty)...
my sister wasn't necessarily coddled but she was afforded opportunities that simply weren't financially available to us older 4...that, and my mother was very tired at the end of the day back then...
my own family illustrates the polarity brought on by gaps between kids and the dynamic that would tend to favor the youngest...my older two are 11 months apart where my youngest is 8 yrs their junior...as an older sister, i'm sensitive to comments my older two make about their younger sister's favor in the family and have had to on many occasions check myself for bias...
at the same time, a new mother (even a mother new to two kids or even 3 born in a short period of time) is going to be harder on the older kids than the younger ones...it's not about mellowing so much as it is about getting to know the job...
parenting is seriously hard work where mistakes are not easily recouped and even good decisions may take years to manifest...it's hard for a new parent to get to know the ropes and at the same time not accidentally hang someone in the process of learning...there isn't much leeway because the stakes are so high...
later on, though, as with a 3rd or 4th child, much of what was thought to be paramount is now known (thanks to the experience and proof of raising a couple of other kids without doing them irreversible harm) to be neither here nor there...one can relax, not because one has mellowed, but because one knows what's really important and what isn't...this realization (and subsequent treatment of the kids) is not something that can be taught or read about and can only be observed in a limited capacity...
a new mother with much family around is no different than a new employee in a big company full of bosses...everyone has their own ideas about things and has the authority to tell junior employees what's what...problem is, one person can't approach a child from seven different angles all at once anymore than that new employee can type memos in seven different formats all at once...still, there will be seven different bosses, or family members, right there to discount the other six and berate the newbie for not listening to them in the first place...
regardless of a child's birth order, there's no excuse for coddling that child...every child deserves the opportunity for independence and learning life skills...giving a child everything later translates into them having nothing...that's not fair to the child who has to make his/her way in the world without important life skills...it's not fair to the adult siblings who might feel inclined to pick up the slack for the adult coddled child...
it's just not right on any level for any reason...
2 - bhw
Can we just stop blaming women for everything? Especially mothers and single mothers?
Why don't we blame the wussy, dependent ADULT men for being the way they are. At what point does an adult take responsibility for his own actions and stop blaming his mommy?
3 - Nancy
Agreed, bhw: mommy only controls us until we reach the teens. Then we start taking control (and responsbility for) ourselves. The only men I know who are still tied to mommy are those who have themselves refused to wean themselves from mom - usually in spite of her deepest wishes that they would. So stop the bullcrap of blaming your mother, you spineless wuss; you aren't even man enough to take responsibility for your own problems. You're an adult. Start thinking & acting like one.
4 - e
Sure this is a problem, becasue it never allows the young male to mature. He always has "mommy" to lean on for everything. However the day will come when the man has to face the challenges. I can remember a friend of mine who was full of "breast milk." When his girlfriend told him she was pregnant, he tried to commit suicide. He was just that weak and couldn't handle the pressure. As a black male, my mother was also very guilty of this. She did all she could to "protect" me when all I really needed was a father to make me face life head on. The black mother doesn't always approve of the parenting skills of the black father, so she intervenes with very devastating results, obviously.
5 - e
GREAT TOPIC!!
6 - RAW
This article was great and the best expression of a well known fact in the African American Community. This scenario is far more common than not.
If the boys were raised like the girls, boy we would definitely have a drastic decline in the many socio-economic issues we face as a people like divorce, high school dropouts, teenage pregnancy, adult illiteracy, single-parent homes, poor self esteem, lack of drive, initiative and ambition....just to name a few.
I would be very interested in the results of a case study detailing the differences between males raised to be men and males raised to be dependents.
7 - Michelle
Great article Dalilah! This is a wonderful topic that has been discussed many times among my friends, sisters, mother and even husband. BHW and Nancy, I certainly agree that mommy only controls us for some time, but its the FOUNDATION by which we are created by that is crucial to our outlook on life. So unfortunately mommy does has to take the blame for some of these actions. As a mother of both a son and daughters, the age span has little to do with this "issue" in terms of men and the bond with their mothers. Instead, men and women (and girls and boys) are amazingly different and that is how God intended it to be. As a mother, I notice that my daughter is more inherently independent and wants to be a 'big girl', where my son enjoys the pampering treatment and displays a 'let mommy handle it' attitude. Granted, they are still young, but I insist that BOTH genders attempt to carry out age-appropriate tasks and ask for assistance only when they have tried to carry them out. Yes, I must admit that it is EASIER to just do it for them, but as parents we must instill in our children the 'go get em' attitude, the perserverance and determination. So since many women are faced with raising our sons by themselves (and that's a whole different Oprah), we must commit to making the (girls AND boys) into responsible, independent adults. Teach them how to make ends meet, keep a clean house, pay bills, pursue further education, enjoy life, act responsibly and treat others with respect. Only 5% of those lessons come from TELLING them how to act - the other 95% is a result of YOUR ACTIONS. Show them by being that way yourself! Hence, that 'mama boy' mentality ain't cute and we are doing our sons more of a disservice them helping them!
8 - The Countess (Trish Wilson)
I agree with the other commenters. The difference in child-rearing has more to do with the age of your brother than "coddling". It sounds to me like you are more jealous of your brother than any real criticism of your mother's child-rearing. Also, by the time your brother came to be, she had two kids behind her, and more experience in raising children. That also reflects on her treatment of her brother versus her treatment of her older children. It's about time people stopped blaming mothers for everything. That seems to be a popular theme that never dies out.
9 - m.(Dot)
i was a victim of being raised by wolves (aka women); which never was an issue (i thought) until i became active in the dating world. i think my mother was just as hard on me as she was my two sisters. however, it did appear that she wasn't as strict with me when it came to me dating. that may have played a part in her trying to raise me to be a good guy/MAN. now my sisters on the other hand were always quick to donate their two cents not only about women i choose to see, but any and everything that had to do with my life. my mother always had and share her opinions about decisions i've made. my sisters seemed to be the ones having a rough time with me being a man. sometimes i couldn't tell who did the breast feeding; unlike mommy, they always felt the neeed to make decicions for me. ie: school, women, career, etc.
10 - Natalie Bennett
I think you're right about the condition, wrong about the timing and causes. I don't think single mothers are a cause; I think this goes back at least to the early post-WWII situation, when early marriage - teens or early 20s - suddenly became the norm. (Historically a very unusual situation.)
So virtual children got married. The women were, however, forced to grow up when they had children (often _very_ soon after the marriage) because caring for babies and small children demands responsibility, attention to the needs of others, i.e. being grown up.
The men, however, without this pressure, became "extra children" in the family, never really taking responsibility (except _sometimes_ financial, which may bear no relation to personal responsibility). This was certainly the situation I saw growing up in Australian suburbia in the Seventies - it was a standing, somewhat bitter joke among my mother's friends that they had an extra child - who took no responsibility for anything, from the trivial e.g. picking up their own dirty socks, to the deeply serious, e.g. co-operating in caring for their children and making personal sacrifices (eg giving up watching a football game for the purpose).
They'd married as emotional or actual teenagers, and they'd never grown past that self-centred condition.
11 - Tall T
It's all apart of the plan. Don't look too hard, you'll be discouraged. And by all means . . . DO NOT WORK ALL WEEK, PLAY THE GAME, AND COME HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT TO WATCH THE MOVIE "ROSEWOOD."
However, if you were to come from a less stronger stock of women, you'd probably be able to be better able to follow a man. Yes, even follow Stevie Wonder into a brick wall. See women like you, dare I say, like us, are more apt to say, "Hey Stevie, there's a brick wall." When he gives you that "trust me" look, you raise up, break free, and meet him on the other side. Him with bumps and scratches and you with the "I told you so look."
You didn't mean any harm; logic just prevailed and he . . . well, not only has scratches, but a bruised ego.
So, where do we go? what do we do?
12 - JCB
First of all, great topic!
My take on the issue is that both elements could be attributed as the cause of this type of dependent men.
In my case, my parents divorced when I was six. I was an only child and I can definitely relate to the Nazi style of your mother. She defintely ressembles my own at that particular time of our life. I think this was of rearing came with the turf of being a single, working mom.
My dad shortly after remarried and had a son (my only brother), who's is 9 years my junior. In our case we shared a "daddy" and not a "mommy".
Turns out that my "daddy" was very strict with my grades throughout highschool and college. If my grades where not we he expected, he would withdraw his financial support like dropping a hat. Nontheless, my brother barely made it through highschool and he punished him with a full scale prom weekend (hotel, car, tux, the works) and a jet ski. I discussed it with him once and he told me he felt he had been to tough on me and he felt he was more mature at the time to deal with my brother.
The end of the story is that I became a lawyer and have my own practice and my brother flunked his first year in college (twice). He has since had a string of odd jobs on minimum wage, when he had the resources and ability to do it differently. Certainly, sparing our boys from their responsability definitely takes a toll on those boys/men
The other victim of this apologetic rearing is the women who end up with men like these. The expectations of what a wife or partner should be has been blown out of proportion by "mommy". Likewise, "daddy" could have contributed to the mix too, like in my case. My educated guess is that these handicapped men are responsible for many marital problems just as well.
13 - Brian Gillin
Your piece is unnecessarily gender-specific. There are just as many women who show these characteristics as men. For every "momma's boy" there is a woman with a princess complex.
14 - drfpnw
Isn't it true that real maturity consists in not blaming *anybody* for our own failings (or perceived failings)? I had a 'Nazi' mom too, but I acted as the 'resistence' in our family (I was the middle child, male). My Dad was a sweet, quiet man who was crazy about his home and family. He was not the disciplinarian, though when he did demand something, we all fell into line.
I actively disliked Mom for a long, long time, left home as soon as I could (college, which I received scholarships for) and preferred not to depend on my folks for financial dependence, preferring to work as much as I could.
I have had lifelong kidney failure. Just at this time, when I was establishing my independence, my kidneys finally gave out and I had to go back home to get started on dialysis and wait for a transplant.
Even so, I knew I had to get away from home. There is a strange dynamic with some parents regarding a sick child - no matter what the age. They want you to be independent but at the same time, are constantly undermining your attempts to be so. It's hard to turn down money when it's offered, you know? But I eventually learned that as long as I took that money, I wasn't moving along on my o wn - I didn't have my own self-respect.
Once I did get clear of financial help, I could see things more clearly. I also realized that my folks, as flawed as theymay have been (like everybody is), were doing the best they knew how - and they really didn't feel they knewhow to do their best (any of you parents out there know what I'm talking about).
It became clear that my years int he 'home-front resistence' had taught me to fight for my rights, to be vigilant for attempts - commercially and sometimes in relationships - to control me, even if unintended. I could temper that with the frinedly, guileless disposition my father gave to me (by example).
So I learned how to fight from my Mom and how to love and relax from my Dad.
I couldn't accept these gifts, though, until I had gotten past my anger at them and just saw them as humans - even though they portrayed themselves as so powerfula nd authoritarian.
There was no big emotional conciliation aboutthis. Mom recognized she couldn't push my buttons anymore, though she kept trying. Eventually, we made our peace long before she died.
Maybe I had it easy. Mom was so overbearing and obnoxious, I had no desire to stay at home. A tighter prison would be one in which everything is provided. I'm not sure how I would have responded to that.
By the way, I know *plenty* of women who, though gainfullyempoyed, and sometimes quite successful, arenonetheless, very dependent. The pattern is, they idealize a partner (male or female), treat them with enormous amounts of attention and then, as inevitably happens, the object of their hyperbolic attention fails to life up to her expectations and she turns from love to derision.
It ain't Mom, it ain't Dad. Look in the mirror, they're human - you're human.
We're all *just people.
get on with it - and good luck!
Milo
15 - Temple Stark
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16 - Matt
Ok, so you want men to start taking responsibility and your theory is that those who don't were given too much special attention from mommy.
This may be true in a few cases. It's not true for me. Raised by a mother alone. Im an MD/PhD student, I was raised to be extremely self reliant. I think something is missing here. That is a FATHER. You can blame mothers for loving too much, but a MAN needs to be the example to kick a guy out of the house and show him how to work. I can't blame a MOTHER for MOTHERING.
I also think there are several DADDYS GIRLS who fit this same profile. Lets not forget them.