It's not just the sex I'm without. It’s everything. For as wild and wonderful as things were in the beginning (of the marriage, not just the relationship) he's since cooled to the point that if he was a woman I'd refer to him as a frigid bitch. He's not just without desire; he's hostile about it. At one point a little over a year ago I hugged him knowing he wouldn't hug back and just told him that I loved him. He hadn't said, "I love you too" in several months and he hadn't said, "I love you" in years. I pulled away and asked, 'Does it matter that I say I love you?' He misunderstood the question and replied, 'No, it doesn't matter that you love me." When I spoke about this in counseling, the psychologist pointed to him having misunderstood the question. I pointed to him having expressed a truth.
He started off pulling away from my holding his hand, progressed to hugging with one arm and then no arms at all. Finally he said one day that he'd had sex when he didn't feel like it and that he thought he should have stronger boundaries. That's when our physical life together ended completely. All the while we'd been seeing professionals, medical and mental health, together and individually. All I've gotten out of it is a litany of people telling me there's really nothing wrong with him and that I just have to accept that. 'Accept what?' I have often asked. Is he gay? Is he lying? 'No,' I'm told by him and the professionals, 'just different.' I think it's interesting that he's never been called upon to accept who I am.
He moved out in July and we had a few more sessions after that. I ended my participation because of a counseling incident in August. I told him that I felt like we were divorced, save the piece of paper. He agreed. (To interject briefly, he's in the military and we are stationed overseas. While we can be separated and have a separation agreement, we can't get a divorce here. To move back to the states before his tour is up would cost us thousands of dollars we simply don't have. We don't live together and have no involvement except where it concerns the kids, much like a divorced couple.)
The psychologist asked him if he would agree to leave me be if he saw me out with someone else, as a courtesy. He did not agree. In fact he angrily disagreed. I wasn't shocked, but I felt disgusted with the nerve it took him to say anything about it at all. It made no sense for me to save myself for a man who had no romantic feelings at all, much less for me, that my chasteness was only for his benefit and was only aggravating me. The psychologist agreed that he had no right to attempt to restrict my behavior, especially in light of the separation agreement. He also reminded my husband of the great lengths he’d gone to when talking about having no drive, feeling there was nothing wrong with that, and how I should leave him alone once and for all. Still he felt it would be horribly wrong for me to step outside the 'marriage.' He would often point out how I thought sex was all there was to it and refused to address the fact that he wouldn't even hold hands. I said it wasn't all about sex; it was about any physical regard at all. I finally realized the depth of his confusion and anger, and decided to quit going to marriage counseling.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - swingingpuss
Sex is an important part of marriage but whats more important is emotional fulfillment. If the two are not emotionally connected then there isnt any point in sticking around.
On the other hand the guy's behavior indicates that something bad may have happened to him while he was kid as was indicated vaguely in the post.
It takes two to tango but if the tune no longer engages the couples interest then there is no reason why the dance should go on.
2 - Natalie Davis
I'll give you a reason: young children. For SU and me, they provide the connection.
3 - SFC SKI
It could be that he man has a physical or psychologicl problem related to aging, as well. It could also be some type of stress reaction.
4 - swingingpuss
I know of a couple who are sticking together because of the kids. The constant bickering and sulking hardly provide a congenial enviornment to bring up the kids.
5 - Natalie Davis
Well, people have to learn to be grownups and to smile when they would rather cry or rage. It isn't much of a life, but it's the kids' lives that count and they didn't ask to be brought into the world. Every ounce of misery I suffer as a result of a hideously poor choice I have to endure for their benefit. What's more important? Sex or children?
6 - diana hartman
i don't think the need for sex and children's needs can be compared...staying in a loveless and sexless marriage "for the children" shows the children that romantic relationships are loveless and devoid of affection...
if the couple can and is willing to stay in close proximity to each other for the children, different houses in the same town, then the children will be better off...
cliche or not, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...it's not the sex -- we can all deal somehow, someway...but to include one's children in one's withdrawal from affection is selfish and wrong no matter what the reason...the one who would show no affection need remove him/herself or expect that they will be removed...
girl children of such a man learn to expect and may even grow to be attracted to men who are aloof, distant, and disaffectionate...boy children of this kind of man may learn that this is the way to act with women...
i'm all about a person giving a marriage every single chance and then some...we need be aware that there are those marriages that, even 100 years ago, would've come to an end...
a healthy marriage is every bit as important a tool in raising healthy children as is proper diet, vaccinations, and an education...
an unhealthy marriage that has become a hopeless marriage is as bad for kids as a diet of fast food, no protection from disease, and a 3rd grade diploma...
7 - Robin
I divorced my second husband in part because he had no sex drive, but mostly because he had no drive to fix what I considered to be a joint problem. He was more than willing to go to counseling "for me" but I didn't think it was "my" problem.
Mark was on dialysis, and was over 50. I knew there were physical and mental issues that played a big part of this problem--that's why I was willing to stick it out as long as I did. But his unwillingness to make any effort to get help for us was more than I could bear.
Interestingly, he was more than willing to allow me a surrogate sexual partner, and I did. We had a wonderful mutual friend who stepped into that role--in fact, he and I still share emails now and again. But the thought that Mark was willing to share me was also a blow. It told me (at least in my mind) how little that special closeness of sex really meant to him. The friend and I stopped seeing each other and about a year and a half later Mark and I did divorce. He died two years after that.
I still have some guilt issues, but I don't let it run my life. As a person and a woman I know I deserve a whole relationship and that I had done all I could do to achieve that.
Please tell your friend that I admire her strength, her courage, and her ability to reason. And that she has every right to speak out about this tragic cycle of events--if for no other reason than to encourage others to get the support they need.
Thank you for passing along this story and for the information on the book.
8 - Bennett
Wow, great post diana! I wish your friend the best, and I do agree with you and swingingpuss; a dysfunctional marriage is no place for children.
My brothers and I were raised by my mother after my folks divorced. We still visited our dad every weekend, and each of us spent a year or so living with him (and his second wife) but soon returned to the warmth of our mother's love.
It was SO much better than seeing, feeling, and suffering under the negative emotions of parents that have grown apart but lack the courage to separate.
Tell your friend that her kids will do just fine with her constant love.
Bennett
9 - diana hartman
thank you bennett for giving us the perspective from the other side...
and thank you robin for sharing your story...i was especially taken with the comment "As a person and a woman I know I deserve a whole relationship and that I had done all I could do to achieve that."
pondering the many things that have been shared with me by her, i am in the hopes my friend will heed these words...perhaps there is some residual doubt about what she deserves, but surely she will see that she does, if for no other reason than because she did work so hard for it...oh, the prices we pay, and not a change return in sight...
10 - Denise
Wow! What an article to stumble across. I was looking for a court case in which withdrawal of affection played an important part. I just filed for divorce due to a loveless/sexless marriage. My husband did the same thing to his ex-wife also. She chose to have an affair, so of course the entire divorce was her fault and he gets all the sympathy. I told him 2 years ago I would not stay in a loveless/sexless marriage. It's reassuring that I'm not the only one out there to have this experience.
11 - Mike
The men, husbands, are beat down and they just gave up caring, they have no feelings for you anymore, they probably don't even like you. The funny thing is; He must have liked you at some point - he was willing to get married to you.... What happened after that?
Husbands have become mindless machines that bring home a paycheck and come home to fat nagging, whiny and bossy wives. You expect he wants to have sex with that? Try again. A man is born with drive and spirit, you've managed to kill that spirit. He's become an emotionless zombie. He can't drink, smoke, hang out with his pals, pursue his beloved hobbies, no sir, no more of that, he's married now.... He now gets to spend time with you discussing how you will spend the "family money" to redo the kitchen and bathroom. He is badgered to be "more romantic" like he "used to be". He harrassed, and harangued and nagged until you have him fully beaten down and under control.... You managed to kill what drives a man, his spirit.
He resents you, but does not verbalize why - he must be broken. Drag him to therapy. Does he talk, maybe. A little... Until you drag him back home and verbally abuse and chastise him for speaking his feelings and hurting yours (after all, it is all about you). Keep him beaten down, then blame him for all the problems, then file for divorce. It's the American way. While you're at it, take his money, the kids and the home.
There is very little benefit, if any, for a man to get married unless HE wants to have children.
You want a cure for his inattention? Bring a hot 20 year old into the bedroom. Disease cured. It's not him, it YOU.
12 - Cynne
Hi everyone. A friend gave me the link to this site weeks ago, and when I began to read some of it I got angry because it upset my applecart. I’m sorry that this is long, but this is the first time I’ve let this out.
My husband is a kind, good, gentle, and loyal individual. We had a beautiful home built four years ago; we adopted our beautiful son when he was born three years ago.
For moral reasons my husband and I did not have sex before we were married. On our wedding night I know he was interested, but would have left me alone if I hadn’t done all the work. It is of great importance to him to make others around him feel comfortable " so much that I think the idea of initiating intimacy with me would seem to him an invasion of my comfort.
Back then I’d often be in tears telling him that I shouldn’t have to beg, and that having to beg made me feel ugly (I am not), cheap, and humiliated. He’d always try to comfort me telling me that it wasn’t me; it was him. I think he initiated sex once, and I think that was just because he was trying to do what he thought I wanted, missing the fact that it was his desire that I wanted, not just his initiation.
So the years go by and every time I make mention of the possibility of being intimate, he always says he’s interested, but his computer and other things are clearly more important. Granted, we have a three-year-old (nearly four), and that is tiring for anyone, but he just has no interest in really working on things, even if he says he does. A sick marriage cannot raise a healthy child. We saw a counselor for a while just after we adopted our son, but all that did was drain us financially.
I thought it was just getting older and approaching menopause that I became disinterested in sex. But I still craved the intimacy. I had spoken with our doctor, who gave me samples of Viagra and Cialis.
I had these samples for months before I finally said something about them. He simply indicated that he was not going to put that into his body (for which I don’t blame him, being health-conscious), but then there was still NO interest displayed on his part for addressing the problem.
He seems to think that this is OK, and for a while I thought I could live with it because I just refused to acknowledge the need. I’ve had several friends tell me that I was unhappy in my marriage, and looking at all the things I had, I refused to really see it.
I have been thinking for some time about leaving, but that would also mean leaving my son, who he would not part with (and he is a good dad). On a lesser scale, it would also mean leaving our home, the “security” of sharing a life together, and for me there is another important element…
I have a physical disability, which often severely limits my mobility and function, though it isn’t noticeable to most people. I have had fears as to whether or not I could make it on my own. Even if I can, I am not sure that I could care for my son properly without someone else around. I would be leaving my husband’s medical insurance, and I can’t afford my own. Besides my son, this has been a large part of why I have remained a legal prisoner.
Last night I made the decision to leave. I haven’t told him yet, but I know I have to. He will want to work it out, but he is who he is, and that won’t change. The worst thing is knowing that I won’t be able to kiss and squeeze my sweet little boy, and tell him how much I love him every day and every night as I always do. The second-worst thing is knowing that my husband and I love each other very much.
I have no interest in hurting my husband in any way; he is a fine man who works hard to provide a good home. We share financial responsibility equally, we talk about news and weather, we laugh at the wonderful things our son does, but a peck on the lips out the door in the morning and at bedtime just isn’t enough for me. My needs are not being met and I can’t force him to meet them. I refuse to humiliate him.
13 - Susan
I just came upon this amazing article and comments after my husband walked out the door to work. I have had the exact same experience as many of you, married a wonderful man, had four kids, a great life, then he just disappeared 8 years ago, when we had the 4 plus his dad living with us. I worked all the way through, but after 2 years of being completely neglected fell in love with someone else, and it saved my life. He is married as well, we agreed to keep it out of our families, but we were noticed. My husband doesn't want to touch me, but detests me for being "unfaithful" and a "liar." Our kids are all close to us and we have fun as a group, but I am moving into a separate bedroom and planning to leave him once our youngest is a little older. My advice: once they become this way, they are dead. Leave them if you can, earlier rather than later, don't be abused by neglect, it destroys you. Counselors don't get it, from what I have seen. We need a support group, and I'll bet there are men in the same boat. And to that Mike who wrote in: I am a successful musician and attorney and am considered a knockout by everyone I meet. My husband is average looking and thinks every man is after me, so it isn't always the fat lazy nagging wife, it is a problem some people have and it is NOT normal, it is terrible.
14 - SLM
I am so glad I Googled "sexless marriage" and found this discussion; for a couple of years now I have been blaming myself and have been in a profound depression because my husband doesn't want anything (physicially) to do with me. At first (we were together for two years before we got married), he was very anxious when we didn't have sex every day (which I found excessive--it was like he panicked if he couldn't have me every day like it meant that I didn't love him). I personally need to feel a physical closeness to feel emotional closeness to my spouse, and I haven't had that now for 2 - 3 years. I have an opportunity to take a job in another city, and I am going to do that so that we can much more easily go our separate ways. We have been to counseling and my husband's excuse is always "I just don't feel close to you emotionally, and therefore can't be close to you physically." To me this is a catch-22; I need physical closeness to feel that I can be close in all the different emotional ways that a good marriage brings. I have been married before and divorced but sex was very rarely a topic of contention, and I still have to pinch myself to believe that I find myself in this situation (we are both 48 and I have never had any problems attracting the opposite sex--but for most of our "sexless" time together I have blamed myself and this has sent me into a spiral of depression and of very low self-worth). I have waited to see if he will change (he has a problem with anger management as well) but the next day's "I'm sorry" from him has no meaning for me anymore. If he really wanted to work on our problems and wanted to keep me, he could and would, but has demonstrated that he can't and won't. He says that he loves me but over the years the scales have fallen from my eyes and I know he does not. I have been told (by him) that I should accept him as he is (not only does he not have any physical feelings for me, he has been angry enough at times to choke me and to throw me to the floor--he wants to "discuss our issues" but it always ends with him yelling at me for an hour or two about how wrong I was--like asking him to put something in the refrigerator). Life is too short (we have no children to consider, which makes things easier) to go without the emotional support and the physical demonstrations that go with it. I want so much to be close to someone that appreciates and loves me, and I applaud "Olencia" for her courage--I know how hard making these kind of decisions is; I am doing it right now. Good luck to those out there in the same position! Don't blame yourself if you have exhausted all of the avenues to fix the problem with no success; go out and find a life that fulfills you emotionally and physically.
15 - Therese
Thanks for this interesting article. I feel my situation is a bit different. Our married life has always been fraught with sexual problems. We married after only having known each other for three months. At first he was impotent because he thought I was too passionate. Then he decided not to have sex for spiritual reasons. At this point I had an affair that I deeply regretted. My husband found out about it and we really started to try to work on our problems. But we never even came close to a comfortable sexual relationship. I have been married for almost 25 years. I have lost or repressed all sexual desire for my husband. Now he has lots of desire (mainly, I think, because he knows I have lost it.) He usually asks me for sex and says he needs to have it because he is startig to look at other women. I always comply and the whole thing lasts about 5 minutes. Now, I have told him no more sex. I'm tired of having sex to be "nice." I love my husband. He is a good, kind, intelligent and funny man. We have two children one of which is severely disabled with autism. I told my husband a few weeks ago that I was thinking of leaving him and he fell apart. He is really, really trying to be affectionate (that was something he said he could never change.) But I wonder if it isn't too late.
16 - diana hartman
thank you everyone for your comments and especially for sharing your stories...it emphasizes for the next person posting that they're not alone...i hope some of you are coming back to see how many more women are or have suffered with this kind of man...
i wish i had answers...
to update, olencia somehow talked her husband into seeing a psychiatrist...will update when more is available...
17 - Stacy
I am so glad I came upon this site. I thought I was the only one going thru this horrible situation. I don't even know where to start. I've been married for 17 years been with my husband for 19. My husband has always had a problem being affectionate with me. We very rarely have sex and when we do its just to please him. Sometimes he acts like he'll catch on fire if he has to hug me. We usually only have sex 4 to 5 times a year. And its not always about sex, there is not passion, no affection(I get the one armed hugs too!!),and no communication. He refuses to talk about our sex life.I'm so frustrated. I was seriously thinking of having an affair but I knew it would just make things worse. I've asked him before to talk to his dr. , he says there is nothing wrong. I'm trying to go back to school, once I am able to be on my own I will most defintly leave. I'd rather be alone then be in a sexless , loveless marriage. He does tell me everyday he loves me and gives me a peck ,like thats suppose to satisfy me. I really didn't like what Mike had to say. Everyone I know thinks that I am the nicest person , I would do anything for anyone. And I've been told "Why are you with him you can do 100% better" Not all women are like that. And putting a 20 year old hot girl in my husbands bed will do nothing for him, sorry. Again thanks for this wonderful site. And we should start somekind of support chat room. How about yahoo? If your all interested i'll start it. Thanks again , Stacy
18 - diana hartman
stacy, if you happen back this way, please email me at msdusmcd at yahoo dot com and put "sexless marriage article" in the subject line...
i encourage anyone else heading back this way to do the same...there is always a way to set up an online support group...
i look forward to hearing from you ladies...
19 - Donnie Marler
I have no commentary that would prove useful in any way, Diana, but I hope your friend and her husband find a way back, if not to each other, at least to themselves.
Excellent, thoughtful, beautifully done article.
20 - diana hartman
donnie, knowing the kind of man you are, your words mean more than i can say...
21 - KT
Wow, what a great article and what great courage from Olencia to share her story. I guess I'm not alone afterall. I have been married for 17 years but a little over a year ago, we sold our home and separated. After living apart for 4 months, we decided to give it a try again with the help of marriage counseling. The counseling helped our communication skills temporarily but did nothing for our sexless marriage. I too need an emotional connection as well as a physical one. I do not consider myself a sex craved maniac but I do want to experience intimacy with my husband on occasion. This past summer, our son spent a month with his grandparents in another State. Well you know something is wrong when there is no sex, or even the intention of any sort of lovemaking during the entire time our son was gone. I initiated it once but was declined then never went there again. This has been a recurrent issue over the past several years and I have brought to my husband's attention on several occasions that it may be a physical problem and maybe he should see a doctor. He will listen and agree but does nothing about it even though he knows how important it is to me. I stopped bringing it up (because it is somewhat embarrasing to seem like I'm begging for affection) and started to think that he doesn't care enought to fix the problem or even let me know what I can do to help? I truly believe that he thinks everything is "alright" if I'm not fussing about it.
I do not consider myself unattractive and have never had low self esteem during my adult life, but the rejection has become somewhat overwhelming and I am starting to have doubts about myself. I have thought long and hard about the D word but it's so tough when kids are involved. Thank you for sharing your story and ensuring the rest of us that we are not alone.
KT
22 - Trish
WOW! I am so glad to of found this tonight. I have been married almost three years. We had LOTS of sex until the I do's came. I bring it up and he shuts down I shut up and he thinks he no longer has to think about it. I now sleep on the couch because I can no longer take the nightly rejection or reminder. I am in my 20s and get hit on often. I have turned down many oppertunities because I think having an affair would hurt me more than I hurt now. I am scared because Im starting to wonder if it would be that bad.Our friend ship is wonderful and I know he is the greatest man I've meet. I love him SO much but know I deserve a whole life. I wanted to see if I was the only one dealing with this and I think Im sadder to see I'm not. Lots of luck to all of us.
23 - Connie
Believe me I feel your pain. I have lived the same kind of life as you. By the way it is not you as one comment was made. It is your husband. Just as it is my husband. I totally adored my husband. As for me I have always worked and I am a nice looking woman. To be honest I am not the nagging person in the marriage it is mainly him that does that...lol. I have tried for years to help fix the problem. He just refuses there is anything wrong. He will not get any help. I am to the point now that I am planning on leaving our 30 year marriage. I want to feel the love from a man. I want the things that people take for granted. No one knows how it is until they have walked in our shoes. I have talked to a few people and some just look at me as if it could not happen. But my husband too has no sex drive or passion. He has no desire for women period. No he is not gay. I wish there was a pill to fix the problem. I really don't want a divorce but I am losing my desire for him now. I am tired of the only one trying.
24 - betty
I have been living with this problem for most of my marriage but has gotten much worse over the last 8 years. Actually it started on our wedding night. He insisted on taking our friends with us to vegas to be "witnesses" to our marriage, but I even thought back then that he really didn't want to be alone with me. It made me feel like I must really be unexciting. I have been married for nearly 20 years now, and over time has gotten to the point of never ever having sex. Started out 1 time per week, then every 2 weeks, then 1 per month etc. When I tried to talk about it he made one excuse then another. I feel like I am only living a half life. It colors how I relate to others now too. I am becoming increasingly short tempered and cranky. I just don't see what it matters any more. I don't want to run out and get another man, either. For one thing I just feel so ugly now, I just couldn't stand it. I have gained about 35 pounds over the last 8 years. Some of it is because of health reasons, but I suspect most of it is due to the fact that he constantly brings home junk food and pizza and I really can't see any point in getting slim again. He ignored me when I was slim too. So why bother. I geuss I haven't left yet because of the kids. But I am beginning to realize that my kids notice how unhappy I am too. I don't think that they would understand though, if I divorced. I know it would be hard on them. I have 2 daughters, one is grown and moved out and the other is still in junior high. Every body thinks he is just great, since he teached Sunday school and does stuff for every body. He is a nice person, and most of the time is a good dad, although has left most of the work of raising kids to me. I am going to be 50 years old and I am scared I will divorce and then think, uh-oh, I am just too old to be on my own. I do have a good job and can support myself, although it may be a bit tight, whereas now money isn't a big problem. However, that is the other big issue. He has always kept his finances separate from mine and thinks it is ridiculous for me to want us to have joint finances. It's "his" rent houses, or your car payment, etc.....I am just really tired and want to be out of my misery. I don't know if I have enough energy to move and get a divorce.
25 - JF
You women are not alone in this, I too am dealing with this. My husband uses excuses, tells me that I am too demanding and controlling every time I bring up having sex. He swears that he is not gay, not having an affair. I don't know how this happened. We used to have a great sex life and then it gradually waned to where we are the point now that I am now called a nagging irritating wife if I even try to talk about it. We have been married for 21 years and I am so baldly hurt and feel sad about what is happening to us. I thought he loved me, he claims he does, but if he truly does how could he put me thru this????? It's a terrible form of mental cruelty at an unimaginable level. Who am I going to talk to about this? my mother? This blows, I love to have sex and crave the intimacy but he wants no part of it. He has started to make me feel like I am the biggest pain in the butt. I feel guilty, ashamed, angry, concerned, resentful and totally confused. My marraige bed is more like a battlezone now. Instead of being a source of comfort and love, it has turned into a symbol of a power struggle of sorts gone amok. Our family doctor prescribed Viagara which he took a couple of times but was extremely resentful about it. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I am losing my mind. Good luck to you ladies out there going thru this, I really feel for you and my heart goes out to all of you.