There are too many homeless people. We need to get rid of them. They smell funny, and like to beg for food. They also drink a lot of wine. So much so that the great wine, Thunderbird, was marketed to them with their "What's the Word?" advertising campaign.
I have an idea of how to get rid of this menace, and help other homeless people.
Well, most of the homeless want to be homeless. They enjoy it. They get free meals at soup kitchens, and that gives them enough time to drink Thunderbird. I would say 8 out of 10 are like this. For the remaining 2 out of 10, this plan doesn't apply, and would actually benefit from this plan.
First we need to stop giving them food, handouts and warm places to stay when it gets cold during the winter. We should allow them to just fend for themselves. For places like in the Northeast this will kill of many of them during sub zero temperatures. (When have you seen a homeless people in Alaska?) Exposure and frostbite will eliminate the weakest of them. They will be motivated to seek shelter and get a house.
The trouble with this is that it will encourage crime among the ones that didn't die of exposure. Hobos and vagrants will be so desperate for Thunderbird that they might turn to crime. That is why I believe that every citizen must be armed with at least a .38 caliber handgun to fend off the homeless. It is therefore going to be allowed to shoot homeless people in self-defense. The meat from the slaughtered homeless people will feed many poor families, or animals in SPCA shelters.
With a bounty on their heads combined with the prospects of being killed in "self-defense" by the homeful among us, or killed for food by other bums the homeless will have sufficient incentive to not be homeless anymore.
The ones who really lack the incentives will, of course, be eliminated by these aforementoined means.
With my plan there will no longer be homeless people within 10 years.
Thank You.
Article comments
1 - Jonathan
Must be nice to say all that from the comfort of your warm house.
2 - Eric Olsen
J, note that this is satire. Even a rock-ribbed conservative like Tom does not advocate eating the homeless.
3 - Robert Brandt
Bravo. Swift couldn't have said it better.
I wonder if certain races will become delicacies?
4 - Tom
Hmm, I'd think any race which eats a lot of veggies and not much meat would be tasty.
5 - Craig Lyndall
This is like my suggestion that we should outlaw bike helmets for kids. We are saving way too many of them and stupid kids who don't die as kids become stupid adults and cost a hell of a lot more money when they graduate to motorcycles, booze, firearms and fast cars. I say take away helmets and let the little daredevils die.
6 - Robert Brandt
NASCAR would hire lobbyists and never let it happen, Craig.
7 - DIANE
Well said. It sounds like a joke but I agree with the "fend for themselves" part. I'm ready to start defending myself here in california. Unforunately it's not cold enough to kill them.