I know it takes some babies a lot of time to get to sleep, and this can feel like it's stealing hours and hours away from your life, but again remember this is a baby and she will not be a baby much longer. By the end of summer you will have a different child. By Christmas you'll have a child even more different than that. This too shall pass, I promise you.
Perspective is everything. Because you're right in the middle of this, I'm sure it seems like it's been forever since you had a quiet night, and it may seem like it will be forever before you have another quiet night. Do remember, though - it takes about four years to get a college degree. It takes about five years to pay off a new car loan. It takes about two years to get any kind of vocational training. It takes one year to get a baby to their first birthday and you already have several months under your belt.
Treat the baby the way you would want to be treated if you couldn't communicate, walk, or exert any kind of control over your environment. If you could only cry and lift your head, how would you like things to be?
I've told many young moms - don't blink. Your child will be 20 years old before you know it. Funny thing is, it wouldn't have helped me either when I had a screaming child in tow every night. I swear my children were one and two-years-old for ten years because it was so much work. Then I blinked - and now they're in college.
For the record, those who say they don't remember much of their children's childhood weren't really involved in their children's lives or had angelic children who never gave them trouble. Good for them, but that's not reality for the rest of us. I will never forget the hours upon hours upon weeks upon months I spent caring for my screamer and then later helping her communicate with others without losing her temper. I will also never regret having given her the time I did.
Try a new routine for you and your child. Schedule regular time away. Get out and about with other mothers, to the park, where ever and however you can. Even at five months, a baby knows there's something happening and will respond to the stimulation of a new place (sights, sounds, and smells). Fresh air during the day is especially helpful for a child who languishes at night. Take it easy, take care of yourself, take care of your child, and remember that her baby days — the crying, diapers, feedings, playing and cooing — will not last much longer.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - JC Mosquito
Well, I know that some babies can be trained better than others - maybe you want them asleep from 10 PM to 8 AM - but you might have to settle for 11 AM to 7 PM, and that's close enough. And there are probably babies that will sleep from 2 AM to 5 AM and are mostly untrainable. But I think most kids would fall somewhere between these two examples. You just gotta know what kind you got and which battles you're going to fight - because you'll be dealing with that particular individual for probably the next 18 years.
Actually, if you raise 'em right, you won't have to have battles with your children. But if you do, here's some advice - only fight the battles you know you'll win.
2 - Val
That was a great article. It is always refreshing to read perspectives on sleep that view the baby as an actual "person" and not an animal to "train". I have heard people talk about how puppies learn to sleep through the night after whining and crying for attention and they figure if it works for dogs, it must be ok for babies too. How primitive. Is it ok to keep your baby in a cage? To leave him/her alone in the house when your not there? To potty train him/her after a mere few months old? Obviously these are crazy (and even sick) thoughts. Babies are human beings who are needy and attached to us. I sure hope mine sleeps through the night soon because I am exhausted...but I know she needs me and this is my job right now. Now if I could figure out how to drink enough caffeine during the day and still nurse my baby without keeping her awake along with me and forgoing her naps, I'd be onto something!
3 - Danielle Foster
I just wanted to say this is a beautiful article. I am a 23 year old mother of a beautiful 6 week old baby boy. My pregnancy was unplanned so I guess I feel I wasn't prepared for all of the changes. Sometimes, I get discouraged when I can't seem to soothe Brayden but I've also developed a great deal of patience. This article really made me think a little bit harder about my actions. I know I'm a good mom but I can always be a better mom. I intend to spoil him with all the love I can give.
Thanks,
Danielle
4 - Robyn
I really appreciated the things you said in your article. I have a two-month old boy that is doing pretty well sleeping for a four to five hour stretch at night, but will not take naps during the day. Well, on a bed. He can sleep for a two-hour stretch when I'm holding him, but within minutes of being laid down, he will wake up. I read a book that recommended letting him "cry it out", but it was hard on both of us - emotionally and physically. I've decided to hold him for now and wait until he's older to get the naps right. Needless to say, there isn't much getting done around the house, but I have this precious time with my son and if I need to hold him for him to get some good sleep, so be it!
5 - Jessica
This article was wonderful!!! I have a four month old son, who still wakes many times during the night. I am only 21, so I still feel sometimes that I am so unprepared for this challenge. Me and my husband wanted to wait about 5 more years to start a family, but here he is in all his glory. ;) I enjoy being a mother more everyday, but the lack of sleep sometimes makes me feel so crazy and overwhelmed. This article really helps me remember that I only have so many months to cherish this wonderful stage in his life. This is a great article for any new mom!
6 - Dan
My two month old daughter has always been a pain at bed time and during the night with sleeping issues... But recently, she seems to have picked up a bit of insomnia... She only napped today for about two hours total, and still isn't acting very tired... She's putting forth an olympic effort at sleep resistance... She's switching between happy and playful for about 10 minutes, then fussy for about 10 minutes... It's like DR Jekyll and Baby Hyde... Any suggestions on getting her to actually settle down and sleep? We're rocking, walking and just putting her down, but nothing is working...
7 - jenn
This was a really great article to read. I have a 6-month-old daughter who, when she was born, would only sleep if held by me. I would hold her for 8-12 hours a day and felt held hostage for most of it. This lasted for nearly 2 months. At that point, she would sleep in my bed with me as long as she was nursing. This lasted another month or so. At that point, she was willing to sleep in her crib. This took a lot of work on both our parts, as I had to learn methods of soothing, and she had to learn that she was safe. The only way she learned that she was safe was to have me come in to soothe her when she cried. After a couple weeks, we were in a routine and she was falling asleep in my arms and then napping in her crib. She still wakes up about every 2 hours at night. I just wanted all of you moms out there feeling like there's no end to what you're going through right now to know that I was in your position mere months ago. In fact, I am still going through my own modified version of it. It's not forever. This happens for a reason. This is how your baby gains trust in you. You are the provider of comfort and reassurance. Don't give up!
8 - LCN
Hi, thank you so much for this article. I really needed to read these things, to remember how little time we have with our little ones. I am a single mother of a 4 month old who only sleeps about 20 mins during the day, and wakes a lot during the night. I don't get much of a break at all! My little guy was a surprise arrival too, and I can relate to feeling unprepared for all the changes... I came to a bit of a low point today, feeling very tired and overwhelmed, wondering where that blissful motherhood that I felt when he was a newborn went. Where did the joy that I shared with him in the pure fact that he existed go, when my biggest wish for him now is that he would just sleep more? I cried reading this article, just at the thought that I can't keep this time I have with him as a baby forever, it is so precious... and I can't stop it from slipping away. Deep down, I just want to hold him in my arms forever. That's all I need to remember to keep going. Thank you.
9 - Stacie
I really liked this artical. It really made me look at things for a different perspective. I am a 21 year mother with a 5 month old daughter and she is my first baby. I have been very lucky, she is very good and she never cries, she's such a sweet baby. But she always wants me to hold her and nurse her all the time. I usually have to hold her while she naps after falling asleep nursing or she'll wake up or won't sleep very long if I put her down. So I usually hold her so I can have a break and so she can get the rest she needs. But I now realize I got to change my routine so she can sleep with out me. Also she goes to bed very late 12 pm or later and here lately I have to put her in bed with me just so I can go to bed without trying to get her to go back to sleep. Well then my boyfriend has to sleep on the couch and thats not fair to him. After reading this I know it won't be much longer before she's one and soon enough she'll be wondering around and give me some free time. It seems like she's growing so fast and I just miss when she was first born and so little. So I'm going to enjoy this time with her and make positive memories with her or else I'll look back and regret it if I don't. Thanks and good night cause I'm going to bed.
Stacie
10 - wendy pearce
hi
i have a 7 month old daughter, who from seven weeks old slept right through the night, but following my recent return to work the past few weeks have been a nightmare, she is waking up all the time, sometimes 5 or 6 times a night, can u tell me if there is any known reason for this or is she just feeling a bit unsettled with the change in her daily routine
11 - Zenda
OMG!! I really thought in the bottom of my heart that I was most probably one in a million mothers going through this crisis. I was spending so much time at the Pediatrician, I thought I was going insane, and all he could tell me was that my daughter had autism and that my daughter had skin sensitivity and and and. All I did was explain the same thing over and over. MY DAUGHTER CAN'T SLEEP, for longer than 45 minutes at time. He never once suggested anything sleep related. I know now what to do. Take my daughter for sleep therapy and be the best mother I possible can. I love you little Layla
12 - exhausted
Besides the fact I share many issues with this alleged advice-requestor, as a general reviewer I have to say that this was a lot of writing without really answering anything.
This went on and on poetically about how you just have to put up with it, and it's a "short time" (some people don't have even that bit of time, due to medical issues or other grave matters) and you should cherish it, etc. 5 pages of saying essentially the same thing over and over.
And apparently ignoring the letter; albeit it was short and not full of details, I gather the woman cannot get the child to sleep no matter what - she doesn't even like the holding! Yet the same old things about how you should rock her, walk her, she's made to be held, etc. In other words, you didn't listen to the letter much less really answer it - in a good concise manner, no less.
13 - Diana Hartman
Dear exhausted,
It sounds like you've tried everything under the sun and are still facing each day with a baby who will not sleep and each night without sleep for yourself. If this is indeed the case, it's time to break out the big guns.
While baby needs a different doctor - especially if the doctor you've already seen dismissed your concerns - a lack of time, money and energy often stands in the way. There is a way around that and I highly recommend it.
I was a single mother when my daughter was two years old and my son was three. I couldn't take any more of her gasping, crying and shrieking. For two years I was told it was colic, that I was a bad mom, that she was a bad child, that she was allergic to something, that she was something-sensitive. (Different doctor, different “sensitivity.” What the hell ever.)
It is now 20 years later and not one professional has been able to tell me what was/is going on with my child. I was too tired to give anything else to my son other than the basics, much less spend quality time with the one who kept me up all the time. I was at risk of abusing either of them both as well as being at risk of sleep-deprived depression.
I took my then 2 and 3-yr old to Social Services. I banged down their door and begged them to help me - even after they told me they only help those who have abused their kids, not those who have not abused their kids. I was relentless (I was so tired; what did I have to lose by staying put in their waiting room where the air conditioning was free?)
First they told me they only help those who are, well, basically criminals (child abusers). Then it was that no one was available. When I still wouldn’t leave and take my crier out of their building (“She’s upsetting others,” they said. Can you believe that?!), they launched an attack on me. Fortunately, they told me stuff I’d already heard (and knew wasn’t true) so it did nothing to dissuade me when they said she was a bad kid, I was a bad mom, etc.
I finally told them I was too scared of hurting my child to take her home and do another two years of this when no one could explain or help me with her, so I told them that if they weren't willing to help, I had no choice but to leave her there with them. By that point I was bawling (from anger, frustration and a lack of sleep; and frankly, I should not have been operating a vehicle at that point, either). I knew I wasn’t going to leave my child there, but they didn’t know that.
Lo and behold, they found a social worker to help me out. The first lady was a complete nimrod and admittedly knew nothing about small children. I wasted no time (one hour) getting right back there and insisting they give me someone who knew what they were doing.
A woman named Beth Honse showed up at my door with a book (The Difficult Child), two baby gates (I couldn't afford one), a list of foods she wanted me to stop feeding my kids and a list of foods she wanted me to start feeding them. We stacked the baby gates, one on top of the other. She taught me (and my daughter) a whole different sleep routine that involved weeks of training her (and me) how to associate lower light, relatively low sound and the pillow with resting time. Up to now, both of us had associated this with hostility. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to sleep; she was clearly tired, often overtired; it was that she couldn’t sleep. It was as frustrating for her as for me, but I had words to describe it where she had none.
Beth also taught me how to teach my child to slow down. When the games called for getting on the floor, Beth (who had to be in her 50's) got down on the floor with us - day after day - until me and my child had mastered the games. The best part was that she involved my other child. I was so tired at that point I didn’t realize I’d been leaving him out. She told me what I knew, but had forgotten: the kids and me were a team.
This is significant because I lived in a horrible trailer in a horrible part of town. Beth - nicely dressed, college educated, obviously well bred and articulate - was not above my dirty floor, my lack of money or my screaming meme.
Social services would also come to provide me with monetary assistance I didn’t know existed. This went a long, long way toward easing my anxiety about how to provide for my family and still be a productive person.
It took less than six weeks to learn behavior management and teach it to my child - who responded just enough that I was able to get a good six hours of sleep a night. Too, my child learned enough self-control to ease both our burden and was able to convey her feelings to me (pre-verbally, she did it with a kind of sign language which we put words to as she grew and became verbal). We were able to regularly work through whatever was an issue for her at the time. Over the years, the consistent use of behavior management techniques we learned helped all the way through to this day.
This is significant because I was told she would never read past the 6th grade level. Obviously, someone didn't know what in the hell they were talking about and wrongly categorized my child who could not be categorized.
One more thing " a thing I accidentally discovered. I was on the phone with Beth one afternoon and had a cup of coffee sitting on the table. I took it with a bit of cream and sugar at the time. The coffee had cooled (as all hot beverages do when the mom is busy tending to the kids). As I talked with Beth, my back was turned to the coffee. My crier got a hold of that cup and sucked it right down. Within a few minutes she was asleep. To me, though " the mother of a child who had never taken an afternoon nap " she was poisoned. Beth told me my child would be fine but to call Poison Control if I wanted to double-check. I did call them. They told me no one, not even a child, is harmed by a cup of coffee.
I called Beth back and she told me caffeine is a stimulant, and that if my child responded to it by calming rather than becoming hyper, my child was hyperactive. (I’d heard this before " from the doctor who said she’d never read well.) I hesitated to use coffee on my child, thinking it was abusive in some way. (Never minding the doctor who suggested I use Dimetapp to get her to sleep " a suggestion that rendered my child completely out of control, and sooo not asleep.)
At the age of six, my child was formally diagnosed ADHD. I shunned medication, mostly because I couldn’t afford it. Too, the coffee, in very small doses, was working well for her. By 8, she didn’t like coffee anymore. I allowed her to be started on Ritalin. That worked " extremely well " for several months. Then she began to “crash,” which is to say you could see on her face when the medication all of a sudden stopped working. It was as if she walked through an invisible wall from medicated to not medicated. She went from pleasant to pissed in a matter of minutes. They wouldn’t up her dose, so I took her off of the medication completely. We went right back to coffee (Starbucks has nothing on the concoctions I came up with to get her to drink it) and behavior management.
The child is an archaeology major, an avid reader and a world traveler. This doesn’t surprise me since the child never could sit in one place for any length of time. Of course she would take to the world as an adult; what else would she do? She may fall under the heading of ADHD, but the child is not attention-deficit. She is attention-abundant.
In summary, do what you have to do to find a way to deal with your child. I understand there is no shortage of would-be professionals who would be help if only they were professional. I know it takes weeks and months to find the one who will listen and do something productive. I also know that extreme circumstances call for extreme measures: start crying out yourself and you’ll be getting some kind of attention in short order. Don’t listen to other’s judgment or what you feel in your gut is bad advice (not even your mother, grandmother, other mothers or the “helpful” lady next door). Listen only to your heart and head. What do they tell you to do?
If you have any reservations about seeking help and/or standing up for yourself and your child, storm right past those “I shouldn’t / I couldn’t” feelings and find help for both of you " no matter how many doors you have to knock on, no matter how many naysayers you have to confront.
Social Services is your best first stop. Don’t leave without help. If you get help via some random diagnosis, take the help. You don’t have to repeat the diagnosis to your child and you do not have to accept this label. Disregard the label: just take the help and go on your merry way.
If none of this proves helpful, come back here and tell me. There is always a way " and I always find it. If it comes to that, knowing your city will be helpful because I’ll need to be able to research the resources in your area " which, trust me, I will find. Over time, it became easy to find resources for my child " even as I was sleep-deprived. I’m not tired now. If you still need help, I will find it.
14 - Jen
Thank you very much for this article. It helped me after a night of 6 awakenings with my 4 1/2 month old son. It's 6:00am, and I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep, and reading this has put things into perspective for me once again. So thank you.
15 - Karoll Reyes
I am just so happy I found this article. I am experiencing challenges with my 8 mo. old. I have cried along with him in the middle of the night. Not having the strength or the willingness to say a prayer for both of us. But having read this article along with the comments (especially the last one!) I feel I am not alone and that time will pass by and I would regret not finding that way out that my baby needs if I give up or don't regroup and try different things. You Ladies are my Heroes, and I feel priviledged to share my comments and to absorb all that you have to say. My baby won't sleep much, all together maybe 1:30 during the day. Goes to bed at 6:00pm and wakes up at different times during the night. Thank you once again for all your advice. God Bless you, Merry Christmas and Prosperous 2009!
16 - EmiKat2008
I just have to say thanks for the article. My daughter is just over 10 months now, and still will not sleep without being rocked and cuddled. After about a week of putting her to bed awake and letting her cry it out, we discovered that she has urticaria pigmentosa, which is exacerbated by stressful situations. Well needless to say, we stopped "crying it out" thing immediately, and after 10 months of doing this every night, I must say I am exhausted. She is a darling baby and a true joy. I just wish it was easier for her to fall asleep. I'm glad to see that there are those out there that don't consider this spoiling, because I do consider it loving and caring for her, and in no way spoiling her. I brought her into this world and its my responsibility to do right for her.
17 - Erik
Hi,
Thank you very much for the article, very insightful and heart-felt.
I'm not a Mom, I'm a Dad (just in case my name didn't tip you off :)
My wife and I share baby duty, she works during the day, and I work during the night. I'm an engineer by trade and have worked a huge gamut of jobs in my 38 years, from training horses on an Iowa ranch, to commercial fishing in the Bering Sea, to working oil fields in the Arctic Circle, to being a semiconductor engineer.
I understand very well the mindset of 'training a puppy', and the [unsuccessful] application of it to babies. It is instinctual and logical, at least to me, the uninitiated rough-n-tumble Dad.
Although my tried-n-true 'puppy training' strategy was based on the best intentions and all the love a Dad could have for his daughter, it didn't work. My daughter was miserable and I knew it, and that was unacceptable. Something was binding and not operating as it should. Knowing this and continuing with a failing strategy, I knew I wasn't being the best Dad I could possibly be, therefore letting her down and possible causing damage. There was something missing, something that I was missing.
I nearly went nuts not knowing what the problems were with my daughter, and not being able to come up with viable solutions to her sleeping (and other numerous baby) issue(s). I was miserable and felt worthless, that certainly doesn't help matters. All she could do was cry and scream. Not only is that one of the worst noises I've ever heard, but something I don't have much of a tolerance for.
I happened across, and read your article, and hands-down-no-BS, understanding fell upon me like 12 tons of bricks! Changing my tactics and forcing myself to grow in what seemed to me to be a completely unnatural direction was very much like shifting gears at freeway speed without the clutch. (I'm referring to the part about basically being teacher and student at the same time, and her being a different kind of person).
I'm so happy I did change how I handled my daughter. It was like oiling a squeaky hinge. Things are just as difficult, but the way is much smoother and easier, if that makes any sense.
My daughter DID (OK, and does :) speak her own language, and that was the missing piece to the puzzle of understanding her, and I believe, her understanding me in her own way. With practice and lots of extra patience, there is definitely a constant and palpable flow of communication that transcends spoken (or screamed :) words. She's only got 5 months under her belt of living among us, and I've never felt as close to this little person that I love so much. Thank you for your insight. I've found your advice to be trustworthy. If there are other Dads reading this, read it carefully, there are many other applications of this wisdom besides for sleeping matters. She knows what she's talking about.
18 - lolo
well, i loved your article.. it wakened my senses.. i love my child though he dosent sleep all the night..
19 - Kate
I like the ideas presented in this article, but they are completely useless for my household. I've tried to follow all the advice of this author (and others) and my 5 month old screams through all of it. She cries when I pick her up, cries when being rocked, cries when put down, cries when I put a hand on her, talk to her, play music etc. She will wake up at 2am and cry until 4am even if she's being comforted the whole time. She will not go to sleep with me any better than alone (I've tried both).
The author implies that a parent not willing to rock a baby to sleep is a lazy parent. Well, some babies just don't go to sleep when rocked. I'd love it if mine did. She doesn't. I need more advice.
20 - diana hartman
Kate, please refer to comment #13 (above). It specifically addresses the concerns of those parents who are in need of more than just the standard how-to.
21 - Lorri
My son is eight months old and has never, never, never, slept more than 2 hours on his own day or night. I am awake right now at two am trying to console myself looking for strength so I don't cry and have puffy eyes for my 12 and 15 year old in the morning before I go to work. I haven't slept in my bed with my husband since our son was born. I already know about life changing babies and my age gives me a huge amount of patience and, believe it or not, wisdom. But none of it applies.
My son falls asleep with my help every night with no problem. None. But every night he's awake, whether I hold him or not, every 45 minutes to an hour and a half.
I read the article and I read most of the entries and how everyone was so moved by the words and that it opened their eyes. Unfortunately it doesn't help me.
I am trying to find a way to soothe him during the night. He likes the bottle sometimes but not everytime. I can pat his back with him over my shoulder. But not everytime. Sometimes he likes to be cradled on his side (try sleeping that way!), but not everytime. You've no doubt heard the phrase,"don't count your chickens until they're hatched"? I never count chickens at my house.
I am waiting for something to click for him. I am waiting for him to feel safe and secure enough to sleep even a little at night without so much from me. Sometimes I feel like it's sucking the life from me and my older two kids and my husband are suffering for it.
All the advice I read pertains to falling asleep at night and routines at bedtime but no one seems to have advice for us baby invoked insomniacs. And what's so ironic is that I'm patient enough and willing enough to do ANYTHING but nothing seems to be out there.
Someone prove me wrong. Someone please reach out and tell me something besides the usual that has worked.
22 - diana hartman
Dear Lorri,
Please refer to comment #13 for more assistance. It doesn't sound like safety and security are your child's issues. Something else is going on - and it may be as innocent as a child who just wakes up reguarly, who can operate on much less sleep than other children.
You've probably allowed him several minutes to go back to sleep on his own, but just in case you haven't, do give it a try: Give him 20 minutes to ease himself back to sleep instead of picking him up right away. Don't, however, give him time to get himself all riled up, else it will take even longer to get him back to sleep.
What you need is some way to get more sleep for yourself - as clearly the lack of it is taking its toll and no amount of "it will get better soon" is going to help.
If the suggestions in comment #13 don't help, come right back here and let me know, along with your city. If I know your general location, it will make getting resources for you a lot easier.
Diana
23 - Mama Bear
Hello Diana,
Thank you so much for this article. It was truly something I needed to read. My 6 month old son is very difficult to settle down and being a first time mom, never knew about babies becoming overtired. I held the misconception that if a baby is tired enough, they will sleep. Needless to say, I've been learning the hard way that isn't the case.
I feel really guilty and like a failure for not knowing this and the thought that my poor baby has been overtired this past month(s) is heartbreaking considering it's something I could've prevented. I'm making the changes necessary to help him settle down for his bedtime and paying extra attention to his tired signs, but after reading your article, it certainly puts things into perspective when the going gets tough (which it certainly does!).
My favorite parts were about being a teacher and a student at the same time and that it's ridiculous to think that certain thigns will teach a baby to depend on you (in regards to sleeping) because they already do! What you mentioned about the most independent and well adjusted children are those that had reliable and consistent sources of love an attention from their mothers is soooooooooooooo true. I can see that effect from the difference in children whose mothers where there for them the first 3 years verses those whose weren't, just as a small example.
Thank you for such a beautiful and (very)logical article. I'm definitely saving it and passing it along to anyone that needs a reminder.
Warmest Regards,
MamaBear
24 - shaquille
Thanks everyone. I am certainly sleep-deprived, but not suffering the way some mothers here are clearly suffering. I have a 3 month old who has a daily "schedule" posted on our fridge. It is purely psychological for me to refer to it and feed, bathe, put down for a nap, and allow 20 minutes of Noggin TV for him. Yes Noggin is for pre-schoolers, but he will watch it and give me a precious 20 min. in the morning to make coffee, load the dishwasher or just meditate silently. Again, the schedule seems laughable, but order is what we crave for them and sometimes he actually does fall asleep at 8:30pm after his bottle.
25 - annimo
I loved the article. One thing though, I want to try a new routine on my 8 month ol son. However, he hates when i hold him. He is only comforted by his father. Dad is often called out to work at night and it is hard to soothe a baby that only wants dad. i feel frustrated and a bit a the end of my rope