I wasn't goin out with her or nothin at the time, just seemed like I should let her know how committed I was to the idea that eventually we might.
So I'm staggering half-naked into the bathroom, I'm saying to my mate all about how I figure something might happen tween me and the lass from down the road, the one I invited to come see us play a few weeks back, then got plastered to ease the nerves and ended up shorting the electricity in the venue.
"But I need to fix something first", I'm saying.
"What?"
"My yap."
What had happened was that sometime in my childhood I'd ran face-first into a brick wall, busted my front teeth, knocked a couple the fuckers right out my head.
The dentist had done what he could, fixed up bits here and there, straightened a couple out, but still, I'd always imagined that they weren't right, that no, there's no way in hell I could expect a beautiful lady such as this for to walk hand in hand with a fella got a faceful a bone shard stickin out the top gum.
So I'm reaching him a pint glass.
Best we knock the fuckers out, I'm saying. Nothing I can live with, but a fucked-up something is beyond me.
"There's fuck-all wrong with your teeth", he's saying. "What you talking about?"
"Fuck my guts, man, the hell are you drinking? Look here, see", and I'm pulling my top lip halfway up my jaw, "Look at the mangled buggers. Best we clear the board and start anew. I'll get dentures. Fuck, I've always wanted falsies I could take out and throw at folks telling me all about how Stiff Little Fingers only had one good song."
So he's studying the glass I gave him. "The hell you want me to do with this?"
Drive the bastard right off my face. Hard as you can, right cross the mug.
He's not up for that.
"No way, what if it smashes?"
"Smash my hole, it'll smash none, and if it does, well then we'll use the bits for to carve the cunts out at the root!"
Throughout all this, I keep filling his glass with more vodka, and so soon enough he's in a state wherein he can at least consider the possibility.
Article comments
1 - Bennett
Ohhhhh man! Guitar strings? Love the line about your buddie's punch!
Hell, I yanked my braces out with pliers and wire cutters when I hit 18 because it didn't seem like nothing but mouth torture.
Then smacked out the two front ones anyway on a glass door that didn't open outwards. Caps my man. Caps!
The tale grunges on. I presume we'll hear about Sinead at some point. Looking forward to whatever happens.
Thanks Duke.
2 - Greg Smyth
McMullan, you're a bloody tease! Top notch, though.
3 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Bennett an Greg, thank you!
Bennett, part five should, if all goes to plan, ie, what im thinkin right now with not quite enough caffeine in the system yet, begin to cover those particular bases. i felt all the dentistry stuff was important for to illustrate the array of anxieties runnin rampant.
Greg, thank you, as ever. an apologies for the tease. heh, i couldn't resist...
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
ha! a good, wise friend just pointed out the similarities between the teeth scene up yonder an the similar "punch me" scene in Fight Club.
alas, my version weren't fictional. how i wish it were...
5 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
just a note to say Part Five's up, if anyone's at all curious. thanks folks.