She still doesn't know what I'm saying, so I need to take the packet out my pocket, need to wave it in front of her and do the two-fingers to the lips thing you do when you wanna pretend your chuggin on a tar-tube.
"Oh! No, sorry, you'll have to go outside."
Setting my drinks on the table, I'm saying to Sir Fleming, I better go outside, I think I might be needing a smoke, what with me being a smoker and all.
"Eh?"
I think I might need to go out. For a smoke. I smoke. I best go smoke.
He sits back and smiles, the way you do when you dunno what the fuck someone's just said, but you assume it was probably something terribly witty nonetheless, specially if it was The Duke what yacked it.
Fuck's muck, why can no-one hear what I'm saying?
Only when I'm saying this to myself, and realizing that I dunno what the fuck just fell out my yap neither, only then do I realize that I ain't actually been opening my mouth all this time.
What it has to do with can be illustrated with the following anecdote;
Few nights ago, a girl I know, she phones me up. "You'll never believe what just happened", she assures me.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Get this. I was masturbating, and for like, five seconds, I got you in my head."
I didn't say anything. The girl is very attractive.
"Isn't that bizarre?"
"Well, yeah, I guess. Um, and, y'know, I mean. You never said anything. I mean, we're both single and so on."
"Oh, God no", is what she says. "No, this is better. In my head you got straight teeth."
What happened, see, is that a few years ago I was in the midst of a two-day vodka spree with a mate, crazy conversation goin on, Hell's Ditch by The Pogues on the stereo.
I'd just got off the floor, just been on the phone to the girl who'd go on to be my fiancée, telling her all about how I was gonna convert to Catholicism first thing in the morning, how she didn't have to worry bout that, we could be married in her chapel, no problem.
Article comments
1 - Bennett
Ohhhhh man! Guitar strings? Love the line about your buddie's punch!
Hell, I yanked my braces out with pliers and wire cutters when I hit 18 because it didn't seem like nothing but mouth torture.
Then smacked out the two front ones anyway on a glass door that didn't open outwards. Caps my man. Caps!
The tale grunges on. I presume we'll hear about Sinead at some point. Looking forward to whatever happens.
Thanks Duke.
2 - Greg Smyth
McMullan, you're a bloody tease! Top notch, though.
3 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
Bennett an Greg, thank you!
Bennett, part five should, if all goes to plan, ie, what im thinkin right now with not quite enough caffeine in the system yet, begin to cover those particular bases. i felt all the dentistry stuff was important for to illustrate the array of anxieties runnin rampant.
Greg, thank you, as ever. an apologies for the tease. heh, i couldn't resist...
4 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
ha! a good, wise friend just pointed out the similarities between the teeth scene up yonder an the similar "punch me" scene in Fight Club.
alas, my version weren't fictional. how i wish it were...
5 - Aaron, Duke De Mondo
just a note to say Part Five's up, if anyone's at all curious. thanks folks.