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Culture Cops Go After Exposed Butt Cracks

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The article, “Waist Case,” by Michelle Krupa, gives us the latest over-reaction to Janet Jackson’s boob:

    With her hip-hugging jeans fastened low enough to show off the sparkly strings of her thong, Britney Spears could be a common criminal when she comes home to Louisiana to put on a show.
    And Nelly’s baggy jeans, if they happen to slip and show his drawers, could get him booted from the rap circuit to a New Orleans jail cell if state lawmakers approve a bill filed Tuesday in the House that would make it a crime to wear pants below the waist.
    Even plumbers could get canned under the draft law that state Rep. Derrick Shepherd, D-Marrero, said he filed because he was tired of catching glimpses of boxer shorts and G-strings over the low-slung belt lines of young adults.
    House Bill 1626 would punish anyone caught wearing low-riding pants with a fine of as much as $500 or as many as six months in jail, or both.
    “I’m sick of seeing it,” said Shepherd, a first-term legislator, who added he’s gotten similar complaints from ministers in his district. “The community’s outraged. And if parents can’t do their job, if parents can’t regulate what their children wear, then there should be a law.”

Private parts have become such a problem in our country that I propose that we do away with them entirely. We have the technology to surgically remove all of the butt cracks, breasts, midriffs, belly buttons, and reproductive organs that cause offense. We can become the opposite of anatomically correct–like a Barbie Doll. No one complains when a kid takes off Ken’s pants because there is nothing there. Low riders, thongs, belly-button piercings, and inappropriately placed tattoos will no longer need to be legislated against.

We have already achieved a certain level of denial that the offending private parts are there. All we have to do is match our actual bodies with our ideals. My culture has taught me to shun my butt crack, balls, wiener, and nipples. I feel bad just knowing that they are there (on me and on everybody else).

When it comes time for me to meet my maker, when I stand before him naked and exposed, I won’t have to feel ashamed because all offending body parts will have been eradicated.

As an added bonus, we won’t have all of the gender-related problems that we have today. We may actually make the world perfect.

Now, if I can just figure out what to do about shit, piss and reproduction, we will achieve perfection.

Thanks to Mark Maynard for the link.

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About Dirtgrain

  • jadester

    “Now, if I can just figure out what to do about shit, piss and reproduction, we will achieve perfection.”
    i got your answers:
    waste can be extracted by means of a tube (or two, i’m not sure of the exact details). It could be designed to be more discreet than the current ones hospitals use. Reproduction could be taken care of by making all babies in test tubes. Problems sorted.

  • Shark

    You know your country is in deep shit when it starts to legislate against fashion trends.

    At the current rate, we’ll be forced to wear uniforms.

    Jees, what’s next, the draft??

    umm… wait… nevermind…

  • jadester

    i am reminded of a 2000AD Judge Dredd story, that i haven’t actually read in its entirety, about a flash trend where citizens’d go get plastic surgery to all look exactly the same (i.e. no distinguishing features). it died off when perps took advantage and caused the Judges to make a law requiring all the operated-on people to have a unique ID number permanently tattooed on them.

  • jack e. jett

    i hope they have a special provision for those of us with beer guts and no ass. it is sometime hard to keep the pants from slipping down.

    i would hate to have to explain to my elderly mother that i was in jail for crack.

    jack e. jett

  • bhw

    i hope they have a special provision for those of us with beer guts and no ass.

    What *is* it that makes that beer-gut/no-ass combo so prevalent in men? Is it that the weight of the distended beer gut sucks the ass inward?

  • Jim Carruthers

    I imagine cops will just have to use the pencil test, where, if they drop a pencil and it sticks in the butt-clevage, that’s a crime. Don’t know about sanitizing the pencil.

    And it’s Louisiana fercrissakes. Has this doofus politician ever looked around?

    Butt cleveage is the least of their worries. I spent a couple of days in NOLA and there were two major random kidnappings, while the rape and murder of a 12 year old was two column inches on page 7.