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Crappy Movies (2004 Remix)

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Usually I complain about music and it’s industry and complain how corrupt, convoluted, and all around crappy it has become. However, I myself tend to forget that the movie industry is in the same downward spiral. Every week, Hollywood throws out some garbage and we, as society, gobble it up. They charge us $11 for a pounding up the ass and all we do is ask for extra butter on the popcorn.

Hollywood is quite content with putting out the same thing over and over again and spinning it as something newer, and better, and more exciting than what came out last week. Sequels are commonplace in today’s theatres. Just this year we’ve seen: Lion King 1 ½, Agent Cody Banks 2, Scooby Doo 2, The Whole Ten Yards, Shrek 2, and Spider-Man 2. That’s not even including re-makes (such as The Stepford Wives) and old re-hashed TV or comic book ideas (Starsky & Hutch, The Punisher) and recycled products (pick any of the various Ben Stiller flicks). Still coming this year in the way of sequels will be: Starship Troopers 2, Alien vs. Predator, The Bourne Supremacy, The Princess Diaries 2, Baby Geniuses 2: Return of the Super Babies, Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence, Resident Evil: Apocylapse, The Ring 2, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Seed of Chucky, Ocean’s Twelve, Blade: Trinity, and maybe if they can rush it out in time…Rocky VI, Seriously Dude, Where’s My Car?, and Anaconda 2: The Black Orchid.

Looking at the list of sequels that have already hit theatres, I’ve only heard good things about Spider-Man 2, Shrek 2, and Lion King 1 ½. As for the others, I have heard that they are completely awful. The Whole Ten Yards (a movie in which I hated the first one) is destined to be on many critics worst ten lists for the year. The upcoming sequels don’t look too promising either (Sinatra must be rolling over in his grave about Ocean’s Twelve).

Sequels are a big problem, but there is also of original crappy films: Gigli, Crossroads, Daredevil, From Justin to Kelly, The Real Cancun, Adventures of Pluto Nash, and Driven. These films were beyond bad, but people were doing interviews and there were commercials and collector glasses you could get when you gas up your car, and Happy Meals, and other junk to promote these films. These films sucked though. And I don’t mean, “it’s raining today so I can’t go to the park today, this sucks”. I mean sucks as in being stuck in a stalled elevator with Pauly Shore. Luckily, these films made very little money at the box office.

However, people will still support crappy cinema. Just look at Kangaroo Jack. It made $66 million. That’s right…two sixes, it’s not a typo. It made $16 million in it’s first week making it the number one movie in the country it’s first weekend in release. However, considering it’s competition (a debuting National Security starring Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn and the just as awful comedy Just Married starring Ashton Kutcher), it’s no wonder that it took top spot.

There’s also the concept of the stolen movie idea. Jersey Girl had been made for a very long time before it was released in theatres because Miramax didn’t feel it was the greatest movie ever made and considering all the heat that Gigli was getting about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez heavy, they decided to shelve it for a while. The plot was this guy (Affleck) must leave his ritzy job in the big city to take care of his daughter and must overcome obstacles such as leading a quieter life and being a parent for a change. Fast forward a couple of months after Jersey Girl was released and you get Raising Helen starring Kate Hudson. The plot was this gal (Hudson) must leave his ritzy job in the big city to take care of her sister’s kids and must overcome obstacles such as leading a quieter life and being a parent for a change. Wow, I wonder where the writers for Raising Helen got the idea for their movie?

You see, because we keep seeing these crapfests, Hollywood will keep churning them out. They’re reasonably cheap to create because a script can be produced in ten minutes (or longer, depending if the 1000 monkeys are on their coffee break). We shouldn’t have to settle for such junk. I mean, do you really want a Kangaroo Jack 2

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About James Gore

  • Just noting that Starship Troopers 2 was a direct to video relase where it shall stay…..thankfully.

  • Dwaine AKA Scooter

    Yeah, Justin & Kelly sucked so much ass that I thought I was getting anal sex.

  • Stately Wayne Manor

    iF oNE tHoUSAnd mOnKeYs wEre tO tyPe a
    moVEe SCrIPt iT wOod pRObAbLee loOk lIKe
    THiS dOeS.

  • i have to disagree, man. There was a lot of brilliant stuff these past 6 months. Passion of the christ, fahrenheit 9/11, jersey girl, western releases of Ju-On, Zatoichi, Gozu, not to mention School Of Rock, capturing the friedmans, spiderman 2. plus, by all accounts ghost in the shell 2 is a masterpiece, if very pretentious, and seed of chucky has the coolest trailer in ages. then theres the incredibles, due later this year, alongside The Aviator and The Polar Express. In my opinion, 2004 is as good as it has been in a looooong time.

  • I agree that sequels can be good, but they usually are not. I would love to see more original ideas than recycled ones.

    As for Jersey Girl, I enjoyed it very much. But it’s not going to be on my top 10 list. It’s good, but far from brilliant.

    School of Rock was great but it was released in 2003. Capturing the Friedmans was released in 2002 by HBO.

  • james, forgive me on SOR and CTF, both have only been released here in the UK this year, but yes, they are not strictly “2004” films. Same goes for Ju-On, Gozu and Zatoichi.
    I agree on how it would be nice to have a few damn frsh ideas. in saying that, though, i have to admit a certain level of admiration for how sequels (as far as the big-budget numbers go) are being handled nowadays. Toy Story 2, Shrek 2, Spiderman 2, Blade 2, and laods that i’m leaving out, have all been much better than anyone could have expected, given that they belong to genres not renowned for great sequels. But in general i agree, and i also find it annoying that Hollywood films are continuing along very pedestrian lines, with the best american films of the last while, like passion, being fairly independent productions (although no less hyped)whilst money is lavished on Van Helsing, which i have yet to see,but may as well as well go ahead and follow the rule of thumb and assume that it sucks. Which is a terribly unfair thing to do, but shit, man, we in the UK STILL haven’t got Woody Allen’s last two pictures, and yet i can’t move for the Jackman fella.
    And they wonder why folks go about downloading?

  • i think my point (and, perhaps, your own) is that there are still wonderful, intelligent and provokotive films being made (Shaun of The Dead and Searching For The Wrong Eyed Jesus spring to mind) but they are crippled by a business which has no interest in trying to sell a documentary about an alt.country singer driving round the rural south (although S.O.T.D is being hyped quite substantially, albeit in the form of web-sites run by fans)

  • I saw Curse of the Jade Scorpion and fell asleep…you’re not missing much. As for Small Time Crooks, I haven’t seen it so I can’t comment.

    My movie watching consists mostly of renting videos and watching them on satellite. I don’t go to the theatre much. I used to get passes through the movie companies from the radio station I work at, but since I was made GM, I don’t get to use the passes for myself anymore.

  • Hmmmm. As far as documentaries are concerned, there are a lot of well made ones that most people don’t really want to see because the subject matter doesn’t appeal to them. My friend (he’s a filmmaker) and I were talking about making a documentary about the way Major League Baseball has screwed over the fans of Montreal and their team, the Expos, but we figured that even though baseball would be part of the subject matter, no one would watch and we’d go broke making it.