Even you couldn’t keep a straight face tonight. I mean, playing a vacuum cleaner like a didgeridoo? What other talk show host has done that?
No reading of email from me tonight. I swear, I’m going to start flooding your inbox with a million questions if you don’t start paying attention to me. Night after night, I sit here, toiling away at my love letters to you and I get nothing. Nada. Nil. Zip. Zilch. Zed. Zero. I’m starting to think you don’t really love me as much as you claim. Sure, I heard you say that in a dream, but that doesn’t make the claim any less valid.
Speaking of dreams, in your monologue tonight, you spoke about Jung, Freud, and Dr. Phil. Obviously, we’re on the same track here. We’re connected, you and I. I sense that. (Please, don’t discourage my fantasy. It’s healthy. Really, it is. Dr. Phil said so.)
Jung’s dreams of giant penises underground are common. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I won’t say that I dream of giant penises often, but there have been occasions. Usually on Mondays-Fridays following your show. I don’t mean that I think of you as a giant penis, it’s more that…never mind. It’s probably best we not walk down this slippery slope just yet.
Dreams are a powerful thing, though. You said your dreams have sometimes been like Bosch paintings. I can dig it. Big time. Who hasn’t had that wonder-filled vision with wormy undertones? Like “The Garden of Earthly Delights”, things look like such fun from a distance. Upon closer inspection, you see the destruction and ugliness that lies below. Perhaps it’s because we can never truly believe that anything is perfect, that there’s something wrong underneath it all. It’s human nature to doubt. That’s my take, anyway.
Toni Collette was the first guest. She’s currently starring in In Her Shoes with Cameron Diaz. You have a friend in common, Olivia Williams. Toni knew her from The Sixth Sense, you, dear Craig, know her from working with her in Born Romantic. On the subject of romance, Toni said that she knew her husband David was “The One” quite soon after they met. You said you always thought you knew you’d met the right one before you got married but found out a couple years later that they weren’t. Common mistake for many people. Hell, I thought my ex was “The One” – I’d known him for ten years before we decided to take the plunge. You just never know until you try.
You convinced Toni to try to play the didge on the vacuum cleaner. You also mentioned that you have very good lips. “They’re retired now” you say. Wrong, wrong, wrong. We simply haven’t had the chance to test that theory.
How did you get Collette to admit that shaves her head every once in a while? Of course, you admitted that you shave your chest on occasion. And, you admit to shaving your entire body. Please let me know the next time you attempt this. I’ll
take pictures help.
Your next guest was Dave Price from the CBS Early Show. He shared his dream about the show with you. A penis…no, a car came to pick him up for the show…he got in the penis…er…car…naughty little donkey!
Dave stated that he is not a meteorologist, he simply does the weather as it is fed to him, subtly changing copy to make it more “his”; adding little personal touches like “maybe” and “a chance”. He maintained his innocence in the terrorist plot that caused the recent hurricanes. Price also talked about his trip to Afghanistan to entertain the troops. “Regardless of your politics, you have to applaud the bravery of the men and women who are there.” He spoke about the incredible progress being made in Afghanistan and how satisfying it was to meet the troops and the people of that country. A nice little touch was the video of Price in Afghanistan, talking about The Late Late Show‘s popularity in that country. Damn, this guy has a great sense of humor! The strangest thing is – he’s almost six months younger than I am and has accomplished so much more. I hate…er…admire….that. It’s easy enough to overlook if he’s really single and willing to relocate. (Sorry, Craig. It’s a kneejerk reaction on my part.)
Music from Robert Plant and his something or something band. I can never remember the name of his latest band. He’s almost as prolific a bandleader as David Bowie. Why am I always surprised when I see Plant? I keep thinking he should be older. Or younger. Or less energetic. Or mellower. My point is, he’s unpredictable, and that’s a very nice quality in a musician. I think back on my youth, and the many hours I spent chillin’ under a Zep poster, and it’s almost hard to believe that he’s been a part of my life for over 20 years. I feel old, especially when I see that he hasn’t let age slow him nary a wee bit.
Speaking of old, I was walking through a store with my son today. He’ll be 9 on Monday. We cut through the toddler clothing department and I stopped in front of a rack of shirts. I pulled one from the rack. It was similar to one he’d worn when he was very small. I held the shirt in front of him and started to tear up.
“I remember when you could fit into a shirt like this,” I said, as I tried to blink back the tears.
“I wore that?” he asked.
“Not, this exactly, but you had one like it.”
“Hey, you can stop with the fake crying, Mom. I know you still think I’m a baby.”
I looked at him for a moment and told him, “You’re not a baby at all. I was just thinking how big you are now and how quickly you’ve grown. It seems like yesterday that you and your sister were so tiny…”
“Mom, you’re just gonna have to get over it. It’s part of life.”
Oh, how the reality bitchslap stings when coming from my own child. He’s right, though. I do need to get over it. It is a part of life. The part I don’t like so much. Still, when you put that next to Robert Plant, I feel positively ancient.
Sometimes I think I should have had kids when I was much younger. Or maybe I just need a very skillful lover with great lips to make me forget that I’m nearing 40. Craiggles, you frisky little pony, the job’s yours if you want. Bring the vacuum attachments. It’ll be fun.
Next week, John Hiatt and the North Mississippi Allstars. I recently saw NMA in concert and have an interview with Luther Dickinson to write up. Perhaps the planets will align and I’ll get everything written up in time.
I’ll see you Monday, darling Craig.
Your cheeky wee monkey and naughty little minx,
Joan Hunt is a writer/editor for BlogCritics. She used to write for other websites, but this one takes up all her time now. She likes kilts, blue eyed men, and blue eyed men with sexy accents. Her fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. In many ways, Craig Ferguson is, in her opinion, like the creamy center in Bull’s Eye Candies – so sweet and such a treat, she can’t get enough.