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Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 11-22-05

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Dear Craig,

Oh, dearie dear. There’s that blue shirt again. Every time you wear that shirt, your blue eyes sparkle and shine more than any man’s should. Might I suggest that you reserve those shirts for when we’re out dining? Good. Thank you.

Monologue: The Japanese competitive hamburger eating champion beat the American champ. Eating competitions didn’t exist in Scotland. There wasn’t enough to eat. You just tried to avoid rickets.

Who comes up with the names for diseases and such? Rickets sounds more like a fence than a medical condition. So does herpes. Actually, herpes sounds more like the name of a clown. Herpes the Clown! Doesn’t that sound fun?

The 67 hamburgers downed by the Japanese eater sounds a bit much. I can’t even imagine! I could maybe eat two, but anything more is asking for trouble. Seriously, there’s a major possibility of something rather explosive if I dare tried.

There was the clever play on words with the breakfast/brunch and dinner bit. “Yule Brinner”. Don’t even ask. Sometimes you just have to see or hear something for yourself.

“I’m making a curry for Thanksgiving this year. Not turkey, though. Turkey’s a dry bird, almost sarcastic.” Absolutely the best line for the night!

The Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss (who frightens me for so many inexplicable reasons), is opening a brothel for women. “Her first employee”, Nate, joined you on stage. It was a funny bit. Nate talked about how his mom was a “lady of the night”, not a hooker. He always aspired to work in the industry, just like mom. However, the interview process was a bit intense. But, it wasn’t the first time Nate worked as a play toy for women. According to him, he was on the amateur circuit for years and is finally excited to be in the pros now.

First guest: Jerry O’Connell, from Crossing Jordan and the new Yours, Mine, and Ours. You know what bothers me most about that movie? Other than the fact that it’s bound to be a piece of crap, I mean. O’Connell’s supposed to be Rene Russo’s boss in the flick. At first I thought he was supposed to be her son. The clip that was shown made it look that way, but he’s not. He’s her boss. I still don’t buy it. He still looks too young to be playing someone’s boss.

More than anything, I object to the movie being remade because the first one was so damn good. Believe it or not, I own the DVD. I’m weird that way. I also own more than 10 Jerry Lewis movies, but I suppose that’s a topic for another night, eh?

O’Connell talked about his background. His father is English and happened to be back in the green room when you stopped in to say hello before the show. I’m not sure how that translates into anything significant, but I love the fact that lots of wonderful little details about your guests come out during the interview.

I remember O’Connell from Stand By Me. I loved that movie. I also liked him a lot better in that than I have in Crossing Jordan. Although, to be fair, I haven’t caught many episodes of that show. I’ve had enough of it from the crossovers they did with Las Vegas. Bah! I’m not one for crossovers unless they involve two shows I really like.

Oh well, Jerry’s grown up nicely and he’s much more tolerable than his awful brother. You remember his brother Charlie, don’t you? From The Bachelor? Please, stop gagging. I didn’t mean to do that to you. Really. Sorry about that. Let’s just move on to something more pleasant, shall we?

Sketch: Michael Caine in Space – “Who said you can’t go to work drunk? Whoever he is, I’d like to have a word with him. He’s wrong.”

Second guest: Joely Richardson of Nip/Tuck. She has a teenage daughter. As soon as she said that, I started thinking of my daughter (who just turned 13) and I spaced out. Really. All I heard after that was the Mighty Ferg asking, “Seen any bulges tonight?” (Okay, I lied. THAT was the best line of the night.)

Oh, you can only imagine what went through my head at that point. No, not you, Craigsy. Nope. I was thinking about my afternoon hug from an admirer. Yes, I have one or two of those. (Shh! It happens!) I like admirers. They’re good for the old flagging self-esteem. Anyhow, bulges. That’s right. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. And, just think, that could have been you instead of someone else. I’m just saying.

Musical guests: The Fray, a pretty cool band from Denver, Colorado. I used to live in Colorado. I saw a lot of bands there, but not them. I think they were probably in elementary school when I lived there. God, I’m old. I don’t always feel that old, but it’s the truth. I’m six months away from being 40 and there are these adorable young men on your show who make me wish I were so much younger. Younger so that I’d have the energy to dance about like a kid, that is. Shame on you for thinking anything else.

Anyhow, the band played a song that an easy listen. I can’t remember the name, but if you visit their site, you can hear several cuts and you’ll know what I mean. There’s a review that says the band sounds like Coldplay, but I think they have more resonance than Coldplay. Really! Also available on their site are photos as chosen by Ben and David’s restaurant reviews. You gotta love a band that offers cool stuff like that!

That’s it for now, Craigster. Once again, it’s been a delightful hour of laughter and thought. Until tomorrow…

Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,


Bedtime is fun and exciting again. At least it is if you go to bed watching Craig Ferguson! Check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 AM, Pacific, and see for yourself. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.

About the author: Joan is well aware that her fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. And she likes kilts. Especially on tall men. Tall, good looking men. It helps if they’re sexy as all get out, too. You know, the kind with piercing eyes and devilish grins. Ooh! It helps if they flirt a bit. We like flirting. Yes, she said “we”. Don’t ask questions, just go with it.

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About Joan Hunt

  • Angelina

    Just want you to know that I have linked to your site because it is entirely too fun to keep to myself. Sadly, I don’t have a chance to see your lover’s show very often, so it’s really been nice getting the recap from you. Thank you for the service!

  • http://McCoolJctNe Dustin Keezer

    Dear Craig I am a 14 year old boy and i like your show it is my favorite. I think it is funny when u say “welcome back my nahty litle donkey`s” it is so funny can u say it more oftenn. PS.thank u for choosing my papper. By Dustin

  • Scott Butki

    Joan, I thought of you and this feature today. The L.A. Times Magazine’s cover story is on Craig Ferguson. I haven’t read it yet. Email me if you want me to save the print copy and/or need help finding a link to it. I’m in L.A. area just for the rest of the month.

  • Scott Butki

    Joan, I thought of you and this feature today. The L.A. Times Magazine’s cover story is on Craig Ferguson. I haven’t read it yet. Email me if you want me to save the print copy and/or need help finding a link to it. I’m in L.A. area just for the rest of the month.

  • Ruth

    Glad to see someone shares my taste! I’m in New Jersey – the only thing that would improve Craig would be his relocation to NYC. I’m Welsh, and truly believe us Celts (including Scots like Craig) have true sex appeal and passion.

  • Madalyn

    I wished you would have the group Celtic Thunder on your show, they are really great, also I think you are one of the funniest night show host, really enjoy your show.

  • Mark Regan

    With respect to the request for Craig to host Celtic Thunder on his show. Who do you think he is, Ed Sullivan? Celtic Thunder is BETTER than the Beatles, and the Beatles MADE Ed Sullivan into the icon he is today.

    What makes you think that Craig Ferguson would want to become an icon to future generations, when he could simply remain in the late night horse race as an occasional “show” or “place.”

    Celtic Thunder is taking American by storm RIGHT NOW, just as the Beatles did in the 1960s, only CELTIC THUNDER IS BETTER. Their US tour has been playing to standing ovations from the East Coast to the West, and they only have two more weeks left, so catch them while you can.

    Don’t wait for Craig to “discover” them in 20 more years. Besides, he would have to bump some fifth rate rapper or headbanger from his lineup to put Celtic Thunder on his show. He wouldn’t want to do that, would he?