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Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 11-21-05

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Dear Craig,

I’m well aware that it’s been far too long since I’ve been able to sit down and write you a letter, but that’s the nature of house guests and special occasions, isn’t it? Yes, I believe so.

So where do I start? How about with last Wednesday’s taping? It was fantastic! I had the best time and loved the fact that you’re just as funny in person as you are on TV. You’re even more handsome in person, too.

I was very excited about the trip up to Los Angeles to see the show
All I can say is, thank God you haven’t had Ashlee Simpson on the show. I swear, after she started singing on Letterman tonight, I looked at my guest and said, “I guess now’s as good a time as any to start smoking crack.” A life of bad skin and rotting teeth would be so much better than Simpson’s singing. Really. Again, I’m grateful that you’ve chosen interesting and diverse guests, Craiggles. Big hugs to you for that! (No props, I don’t believe in them.)

Monologue: We’re on good terms with the Chinese, mainly because one in five born is Chinese. Apparently, the Chinese have developed a spray-on condom. Interesting. Don’t keep it on the same shelf as your spray-on hair, though. Anyhow, the spray-on condom is like a bouncer at a nightclub or the Star Trek forcefield. It’s there, but…

It’s a sad day when the big new invention is a spray-on condom, isn’t it? It was probably easier to invent things back when there were fewer things available. “If only there was something to help us cross this river…”

Flowbee – cutting hair with an attachment to your vacuum cleaner. That would be horrible for you, Craig. I mean, you’d end up with a mouthful of hair every time you attempted to show off your didgeridoo skills.

Email: Jimmy in Carson City, NV, writes in to ask if you get brain freeze when you eat ice cream fast. Your reply, “No, but I have noticed that when I smoke marijuana, I get very high.”

Sketches: Michael Caine in Space – “I can see down ladies’ tops way up here.”

Prince Charles: The Rather Late Programme, brought to you by the British Dental Association. Hysterical! The nag, Camilla…the teeth…the chair I saw in the hallway at CBS Studios…parchments…

First guest: Juliette Lewis, lead singer of Juliette and the Licks. The band just finished up their big U.S. tour with a gig at the Troubador in L.A. They travel on a bus, which she says is greatly superior to a van. I understand that. Completely. After seeing some of the vans my favorite bands travel in, I can’t imagine how the manage to stay sane and maintain the ability to walk upright. Talk about cramped!

Not much going on with Juliette and movies these days. She’s been focused on the music and touring. Thankfully, she possesses enough talent to pull that off as well as she does acting.

Next guest: Brian Van Holt of Threshold. Try as you might, there wasn’t much to draw out of him. He’s pleasant enough, but essentially, he’s just another actor and that’s about it.

Musical guests: Juliette and the Licks performed at the end of the show. Talk about energetic! I’m sure that her shows are jam-packed full of frenetic movement. And that’s a good thing.

Best line of the night? “Sometimes you’re just not in the mood for a monkey.”

Well, that’s it for a quick wrap on this show.

Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,


Bedtime should be fun and exciting. Craig Ferguson can make that happen. Check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 AM, Pacific, and see for yourself. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.

About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. You know, they say that fish and house guests begin to go bad after three days. I had fun with my friend here, but honestly? He’s the kind of guy who’s wound so tight that everyone around him ends up constipated. I miss him when he goes, but sometimes a week is more than I can take.

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