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Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 11-10-05

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Dear Craig,

As I sit here on the sofa with my son asleep beside me, I have tried to stifle my laughter. It’s not working. Thankfully, kids tend to sleep through anything (unless you want them to) and I can fully enjoy the show. I don’t get how kids can be so oblivious to their surroundings and fall asleep anywhere. In any position. But, that’s okay. I’ll just accept the fact that it happens and go with the flow.

Monologue: You teased us by saying you’d talk sex talk for the full 60 minutes, but you didn’t. “Can you imagine what it would be like if 60 Minutes did that?” There are some people we just don’t need to hear talk about sex. Ed Bradley would be okay. I get the feeling he’s had sex a few times. I just don’t want to think of any of the rest of them doing anything involving nude naughty bits. No thanks.

The amount of sexual content on American TV has doubled since 1998. Researchers spent thousands of hours watching television, counting the number of times sexual acts occur. It’s a thankless job. Can you imagine having to sit around waiting for sex on TV? It’s not completely unlike waiting for the pay channels to unscramble except that there’s less to get excited about.

In the 1950s, you couldn’t show a husband and wife in the same bed. It’s true. And, it’s amazing at how much has changed over the years. Now we’re lucky if we can keep someone’s ass covered while they’re in a sexual situation on a TV show.

Watching TV with your dad while you were growing up, you said it was uncomfortable for both of you. I can relate. When I was a kid, I couldn’t watch people kissing if someone else was in the room. I just couldn’t. To me, it was the same as watching someone go to the bathroom. It was uncomfortable and unnecessary.

Then there’s the whole thing about the bed sheets in TV sex scenes. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never been able to get my sheets to cooperate and cling to me the way they do on TV. I guess that’s what I get for using a good fabric softener.

Email: Jana from Belle Fourche, SD – “Have you ever had the chickenpox?” Instead of a simple answer, there was an explanation about how vaccinations were developed. Cool stuff. Craiggles, you should have been the one to give that lecture in to my class when I was in nursing school. Your version was much more interesting.

Dave Foley came out to discuss a religion he created. Aaaaism is the name. It will be listed first in the phone book. The problem with most religions today is that they’re all about “no”. Aaaaism is the first religion to say “yes”, except to the Norwegians. No Vikings. Nope, none here. Instead of aliens like Scientology has, Aaaaism has elves take you to Bermuda. And, it dates back to eleven days ago.

First guest: John Malkovich, currently starring in The Libertine with Johnny Depp. He’s still losing his hair and I almost wish he’d just shave it all off. There comes a point in most men’s lives, where it seems they should just give in to the “movement”.

Malkovich comes across as very soft-spoken, but I’d like to see him angry. Or goofy. Something different and surprising would be nice for a change, don’t you think? Then came a revelation: I didn’t know he’d sold paper clips at one time. He says he did and I believe him.

From paper clips to more philosophical fare:

Craig: Is part of the art the way you live?
JM: I like this work, I never wanted anything out of it.

Weird bad guys are the Malkovich forte. He’s never been offered the role of the wacky neighbor. No one offers him the role of the hero. It’s just one of those things. I think he should play Jim Ignatowski in the big screen version of Taxi. Tony Danza can play the role of Tony. Couldn’t you just envision Malkovich as Jim? He could finally be paid a lot of money for a wacky role.

The interview was actually very interesting; especially with a bottle of ginger ale and some baby carrots to snack on while watching it. I don’t know that the soda or the veggies had anything to do with the quality of the interview or if they merely added to the overall enjoyment of the moment itself. That shall have to remain a mystery. I have other things to worry about.

Sketch: Michael Caine in Space. “Eating with chopsticks is a bloody nuisance.”

Next guest: RZA, one of the founding members of the Wu-tang clan. He’s in the movie Derailed with Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen. Oops! You spoke too soon, apparently.

Dave Foley walked out instead of RZA. “He couldn’t make it tonight. He’s been delayed.” I loved it! You know, I really miss News Radio and the silliness of the entire cast. Now, we get Maura Tierney on E.R., Andy Dick on just about everything, and Joe Rogan on Fear Factor. I could do without the last two.

Final guest: Kyle Cease, comic – not the strongest of comedians to appear on the show, but certainly not the worst out there. Trust me, I’ve seen the bottom of the barrell and it ain’t this pretty. He was “okay” and I’ll leave it at that. Maybe next time, Kyle!

By the way, I should mention that Cease is, indeed, funny. I just spent the last ten minutes laughing myself to tears over one of his blog entries on his site. (Scroll down to the entry where he has the longest conversation – ever – with his father. As well, I liked him as Bogie Lowenstein in 10 Things I Hate About You. Really, truly…next time, dude! Sometimes you just don’t hit the mark with a performance.

The Cow of Time has mooed and off to bed we go, Craigsy. Thank you for the wonderful hour, even if you didn’t spend it all talking about sex. Maybe next time.

Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,

Joanie

Bedtime should be fun and exciting. Craig Ferguson can make that happen. Check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 AM, Pacific, and see for yourself. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.

About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. Her current obsession involves finding butter mints. Apparently, every store in San Diego County has stopped carrying them this week. Needless to say, Joan’s wasted precious time and energy that could be better spent on Craig chasing after a silly confection. And, yes, I’m well aware that I have many episodes to cover and get caught up.

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About Joan Hunt

  • Judy

    Joan:

    When I click on your website, I don’t find any information on you, but rather a “blues/jazz” web page. Am I missing something?

    BTW, I think you are a talented writer. Are you working on a book? If not, you should consider it.

  • http://bonamassablog.us Joanie

    Thank you, Judy. One of my sites is dedicated to blues/blues rock, another to photography, and yet another to ramble.

    Keep checking back here for more writing about Craig Ferguson and a million other things that pop into my addled brain.