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Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 11-8-2005

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Dear Craig,

Big sigh and many smiles. I finally get a chance to just sit and write to you for a change. It’s been crazy weird here and you remain the one constant. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson is the highlight of my day. I know I sound like a broken record, but I know I can smile and laugh myself silly whenever the show is on.

Monologue: Election day and you can’t vote. You can vote on American Idol, but you can’t yet vote in the state or national elections. Soon, Craig. Soon. In the meantime, be glad that you don’t have to choose on some of these crazy propositions. It’s absolutely insane in California. We keep voting on the

America has a history of famous people running for office. Ben Affleck, apparently, is being groomed for politics. “It makes perfect sense ’cause he’s got the acting range of a young Schwarzenegger…and he’s got the gorgeous head of hair of a young Ronald Reagan.” Carrying more weight is the talk of Warren Beatty someday running for office, one can only imagine the scandals that would arise. “I had sex with the governor and I rather enjoyed it.”

Regarding Schwarzenegger and Beatty, it seems that Warren Beatty’s been following the Governator around, talking down “Ahnold’s” ballot measures. All I can say is this – in some circles, what Beatty’s doing is considered “stalking”.

Talk of the Boobs Not Bombs protest at the capitol building in Sacramento brought about a big response. Um, not that kind of big response, but more in the way of people applauding over the mere mention of women removing their clothing during the protest. As you stated, it’s sort of difficult to imagine the whole point of their campaign.

If you were mayor of New York, you’d remove all the “T”s from Donald Trump’s buildings. Rump Towers. Coincidentally, that was your exotic dancer name. “I was a naughty construction worker.” Hmmm. More butt talk. I’m sensing a pattern here.

While on the subject of Donald Trump, you said you think his hair should be on display in a zoo. I missed the rest of this because I was laughing so hard. Trump’s hair is so horrible. It’s the sort of thing you can’t help but stare at for long periods of time. It’s disturbing and quite the curiosity. You also can’t help but talk about it.

Tonight, you announced your candidacy for the Presidency. You even picked a running mate, someone tough as nails – Clay Aiken. Maybe not. You need someone whose sex scandals involve women. No, you just need a sex scandal of your own. If you want to help start a scandal, send your photos to Craig@theinternet/google.org

But seriously, if you ran for office, you’d have a three point plan. First, you’d send Paris Hilton back to the Paris Hilton she came from. You’d put 50 Cent on the dollar bill to confuse foreign tourists and make them spend more. And finally, you’d change the law, from sea to shining sea, so governors from all across the country could marry each other. That makes about as much sense as anything else these days. Why not?

Craig FergusonSince supporters of Schwarzenegger are looking to change the law to allow foreign-born citizens to run for president, you might have a shot. Once they’ve completed their mission, Arnold could finish his first term as president and you could be closing your stint as talk show host/governor. Yes, sir. And, with California’s history of odd propositions, you could slip in one regarding men having to wear kilts. That would be good. It would keep men cool and make women hot. It doesn’t get any better than that, Craiggles!

I have to say, I love when you mess with your sound effects. The cheeky wee monkey sounds were a nice addition! The cheeky little piggies sound effect was just strange, but fitting since you had mentioned Ned Beatty a few times during the monologue.

Email: Pete, New Durham, NH – “my wife loves the smell of the eucalyptus trees, what should I do?” Good golly, Miss Molly! Those things smell like a huge litter box when you have a whole grove of them. I know this because I grew up surrounded by eucalypts. Anyhow, your response had to do with koalas getting high off eucalyptus leaves, noting that the leaves do not have the same effect on humans. You know because you tried. Anything in the name of science, right? That’s what I thought. You are just that giving, Craig. This is what your fans love about you.

On to your obsession with Spring Break Shark Attack – that fabulous made-for-TV movie about teenage lesbians in bikinis getting attacked by sharks. “We used to make movies like that in America. What went wrong?” Well, CBS has announced that they’re making a sequel. “I want to play the part of the grizzled shark expert.” Ha! You just want to be in the movie so you can play with the sharks. I know how that works. Okay, maybe it’s the girls in bikinis. It’s a tough call. Sharks vs girls in bikinis. Girls in bikinis vs sharks. “These sharks has gone crazy! They’ve learned to reverse.”

First guest: Brenda Blethyn, star of Saving Grace and Pride and Prejudice. I did so love her in Saving Grace, as well as Little Voice.

As you were chatting, you mentioned that it was weird for you to see each other in the context of the show. Having worked together on Saving Grace, you spent a lot of time together and developed a great friendship. Plus, you had fun working around all that pot. Since marijuana was such a major character in the movie, a special dispensation was obtained to use real plants, which required special security on the set!

According to her, Pride and Prejudice – one of the most romantic stories ever. “Throbbingly sexy”, in fact. A basic summary of the story was given (I’m spoiling nothing – if you haven’t read the book, you should). She loved every moment of making the movie. The lush locations made for a wonderful experience.

Blethyn was in Las Vegas once and, upon seeing all the marriage “booths” in Vegas, decided to get married after 25 years with the same man. 25 years with the same man and she wasn’t married? I thought 10 years was pretty long for a courtship. She wins. That’s okay, she did much better than I did. And she didn’t even bother to marry him in the long run. At this point, they’ve been together for 30 years. I think you either have to marry within a year or two, or you have to wait much, much longer. I guess it helps if you pick the right person. Craig, what say you, dear?

As you can back from break, you welcomed back all us cheeky little simian gorgeousnesses. Gorgeousnesses? That does it. You’re getting a Roget’s Thesaurus for your next birthday.

Next guest: Jim Sheridan, director of Get Rich Quick or Die Tryin’, starring 50 Cent. Sheridan spoke about the experience of working with rappers on the film, as well as his love of Mustang convertibles and playing rap music while driving.

The streets of Dublin and Glasgow apparently aren’t all that different from the mean streets of America. Talking with rappers is like talking with some of the people Sheridan knew back in Ireland. Interesting perspective. I don’t know that I would have made that connection. Then again, I’ve never spent any time in Ireland or Scotland. Still, I can well imagine that people who are down on their luck and surrounded by drugs and violence have a commonality regardless of where they’re born.

Odd note: Both Blethyn and Sheridan were born in February.

Final guest: John Roy, comedian. He did a great bit on Goths and the end of summer. “You can’t look like a vampire in shorts. And no one makes scary sandals.” The routine was good and a nice way to end the show.

Speaking of ending the show, the Cow of Time…how on earth did you come up with that? Seriously. I like cows, really I do. But for ending a show? And, what’s up with your fascination with furry critters? Wait, let me guess. It’s all about your animal magnetism, isn’t it? Ahhhh! I get it now.

Until tomorrow, Craigsy!

Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,

Joanie

What’s the best thing about going to bed each night with Craig? Check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 AM, Pacific, and see for yourself. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.

About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. Her ultimate fantasy man wears a kilt, plays the blues, and pays off her student loans. Oh, and he does windows.

About Joan Hunt

  • http://bonamassablog.us Joanie

    I’m so happy to see you found me, Jen! All Ferguson Fans need to stick together. I honestly don’t know if Craig has seen any of these or not, but it really doesn’t matter. I’ll still be writing them. Anything to get more people turned on to the Scottish Wonder, you know?