The opening sketch with the Host Whisperer again…pirates. Arrrrrrr! Captain Craiggles? Hmmm…I should have copyrighted that one.
Monologue: “Thank God it’s Thursday. Some people say ‘thank God it’s Friday’, but not me. ‘I can’t live by your rules, man.’”
Then, on to Janet Jackson’s naked sunbathing video showing up all over the internet. “If you see an email about Craig Ferguson’s nude sunbathing video — it’s a fake and it was a very cold day.”
“Janet’s trying to get a tan while Michael’s trying to get lighter. It’s ironic, it’s true. I really don’t understand the sunbathing in the nude thing. There are some areas of your body you do not want sunburned. If I wanted a painful, itching, and redness in my nether regions I’d spend the night with Paris Hilton.”
Back to Jackson and her infamous wardrobe malfunction (which, in my opinion was clearly staged and meant to push buttons everywhere). “Thanks to her, I can’t walk out here shirtless. I’m scared shirtless. My accent makes some words sound naughty.”
It never ceases to amaze me what’s allowed on television and what isn’t. Like you, Craig, I just don’t get it. Sometimes the censored parts end up appearing worse than they are. You cited Monty Python’s three men in a bathtub routine: “‘they wash their arms, they wash their legs, and they wash their [bleeeeep!]naughty bits[/bleeeeep].’ Three men in a bathtub sounds like my house on a Friday night. Tuesday. Tuesday night.”
Of course, the most difficult part of being a talk show host is introducing anything related to Meet the Fockers. With your accent, Fockers sounds like…well, we get the idea.
You didn’t mention what words you think should be allowed on TV, but I’ll tell you what I think – it should all be fair game. A cop running after a violent perp shouldn’t have to yell, “Gosh darn it! You bad guy, stop!” The cop should be able to yell, “Hey, you little fucker, get your ass on the ground, now!” I don’t mean that we need obscenities peppering everything, but when the show is about the gritty underbelly of life, why not allow a little leeway? We finally got “bitch” and “ass” approved. And, several (read: more than 10) years ago, I was watching a TV show called Civil Wars (starring Muriel Hemmingway) and one of the characters cried out for her husband to look at her “tits”. If it could be used then, why not now? And, why not the word “shit”? What’s the difference? Why is “cock” or “dick” not allowed? I think it’s just plain silly that any show airing after 9pm isn’t granted a looser set of guidelines.
That’s my two cents.
Email: Jeff in Elkins, WV, “What’s up Craig? Do you want me to send you some snow?” “You could probably make money doing something like that. Put it in a bottle with a red ribbon about it and call it Kabbalah Snow.” David in Tacoma, WA, “If you could host your own show in another city, where would you do it?” “Tacoma, WA. For one reason, I’ve never been there.”
Silly sketch with Dan McVicar (The Bold and the Beautiful). He’s managed to get his hands on the Mighty Ferg’s tickets for the Rolling Stones. Freakin’ hilarious. Even better, the dancing after. What the hell was that? Other than cute, I mean.
You know, sweet, silly Craig, when I’m sitting here alone at night and audibly laughing, that’s a damn good sign that you’re doing something right. Rhiannon (from the email the other night, you remember HER, dont’ you?) told me that she never laughs when she’s alone. Until you. So there you have it. Expert testimony from two women. Testimony that proves you’re laughable. Oh, wait, that doesn’t sound nice, does it? I mean it in the nice way. I probably should have said “Craig Ferguson inspires laughter!” Next time. I promise. I’ll dress up in something lovely and use grand, sweeping gestures as I make the announcement.
First guest: Charlie Sheen, currently starring in Two and a Half Men. He’s had a succexful career, no doubt about it. He’s good looking, funny, and a bad boy. He’s popular. You can’t help but like the guy. I had a friend who dated him for a while. That was way back in the 80s. Ah, yes, the 80s. A decade best remembered only when looking through scrapbooks and VH1 specials. Anyhow, back to Two and a Half Men. It’s one of my favorite shows on TV. Proof? One word: SQUAB.
On to talk about Charlie working with his dad in Wall Street and Spin City (as well as an upcoming Men episode). You asked him, “Is it fun?” Sheen replied that it has been, but there’s always that thing about not living up to your father’s expectations. Who hasn’t experienced that phenom before? Don’t we all wait for the nod from our folks on some level?
Enough about his career. Bigger news loomed. As you discussed his reputation as a randy bachelor, Charlie revealed that he and Denise are back together. (I haven’t been holding my breath, but I’m glad for anyone who finds love and happiness). Sheen is also father to three daughters, aged a five months to age 21 years. The Craigster asked: “Are you a strict father?” Sheen replied, “What can I be strict about?” He also said, “Parenthood changes the way you look at yourself.” I completely agree. Everything you do is likely to be mirrored by your children. There’s no escaping it. Everything you say is likely to be parrotted back at some inopportune moment. Like, say – in the bank. You don’t want your kid suddenly screaming, “you bastards! What the f#$@ did you do with my money?” It’s just not a good thing.
From what he said, Charlie likes being a dad and doing fatherly things, like trick or treating. That’s always fun. Unless your kid doesn’t have a good costume or you have to walk really steep hills in the dark. Yuck!
There was conversation about gambling. Charlie said he’s not a gambler. “Show business is enough of a gamble.” Well, I’d agree with you to a point. About gambling, that is. Don’t know nothing ’bout no show business. Not me. But anyway, gambling…I’ll never forget the first time I got my hands on a slot machine. I played for hours and hours. My mom had to bring me dinner. I wouldn’t leave the machine. Nobody else was going to touch it. I was on a winning streak. Jackpot after jackpot. Mine. All mine. Kind of. We had to put all the nickels back in the machine so I could get my payouts. You don’t care when you’re five, though. Yes, I was only five. The slot machine was in our basement. That’s what happens when your parents collect antiques.
The most important, and best part of the interview, was that Charlie thinks you’re fabulous. Awww! See? I told you! You should learn to trust the voice of occasional reason.
After the break: Matt the intern who looks like Ben Affleck. Nah, he’s better looking than Ben. Looks like he actually has something going on upstairs. Now you’re looking for an intern who looks like Matt Damon. Hmm. Let me say this, NO. Just no. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Second guests: Franz Ferdinand – again – singing “The Fallen”. It wasn’t bad, but hardly memorable, at least for me. I do like them. My mind was somewhere else entirely. Chalk it up to a very long day and the Sandman being at my door.
Final guest: Best known for her work in Hairspray and now works on Stacked, Marissa Jaret Winokur. What a fun, effervescent guest! She got you to say that you were vulnerable but masculine. And she said, “Let’s hear more about Craig’s butt!” Once again, I don’t even have to go there. Plenty of people around to do that for me.
Marissa talked about sharing dressing rooms on Broadway – it stinks. She’s not into the Hollywood scene. She doesn’t do the big parties, mostly because she’s renovating a house and is busy planning her wedding. She wants a small wedding. I like that she doesn’t think spending $100,000 on fish and steak for friends is worth it. Hey, when I got married, we spent $3,000 – 5,000 and had a great day. Of course, my marriage didn’t last, so what do I know?
Winokur’s an utter delight! She’s definitely a guest I’d love to see on the show again, but only if you have her on first. Her energy is incredible! Plus, she had no problem talking about Pam Anderson’s nipples. Any woman who can talk about someone else’s nipples is cool with me.
Well, the Cow of Time has mooed and it’s time to move along. I have much to do and little time to finish it. I apologize for my sporadic attention to all things Craig Ferguson. Craigsy, you know I adore you, but sometimes life gets in the way. Namely kids, fundraisers, and health. The little things, if you will. Right. So, then. Until we meet again, Captain Craiggles!
Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,
Want to spice up your bedtime routine? Check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 AM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.
About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. As with most things, she must be experienced to be appreciated fully. Eh, get your minds out of the gutter! That’s not what we meant.