After a long day, it’s nice to be able to sit around in my jammies and listen to you chat it up with your guests. It would be even better to have you here chatting with me, eating popcorn, and laughing hysterically over my t-shirt that claims the universe really does revolve around me, but that’s not likely to happen anytime soon, is it?
Monologue: It’s a great day for bad drivers in Los Angeles. Red light cameras are broken. Not a great day for the city, they’re losing lots of money. For anyone not familiar with red light cameras, they take photos of cars that run red lights.
San Diego had the distinct honor of being a pilot city several years ago. Lawsuits were all the rage. People declared the cameras a waste of money. But, the truth was, accident rates dropped. Fewer accidents meant less money spent by the city on rescue services.
I don’t mind the cameras so much, except when they installed four at one local intersection (there are normally only two). I was there the day the cameras were installed and calibrated. Sadly, the calibration was off and the next few days were spent with folks being blinded by the strobe-type lights that flashed at night. Randomly and rapidly every few seconds. Not surprising, accident rates increased until the city managed to get the lights reset.
Back to the monologue. Most people in L.A. like to have their picture taken. That’s why you see people in cars putting on makeup all the time. “Sometimes the women do it, as well.”
I hate that. Makeup in the car is a big no-no, unless you’re Anna Nicole Smith. I will confess to carrying the makeup with me, but I never apply it in the car while I’m driving. When I get to wherever I’m headed? Sure. At a really long stop light? Why not? But, never EVER while I’m driving. Sorry. I like my eyes without eyeshadow or mascara applicators stuck in them. Eww!
So, there you are, driving around with your Giganticcino, a BigGulp of coffee. Just the thing to get the motor going, eh, Craiggles?
You went on to talk about how you recently bought a British car. British people don’t know how to make a cup holder. “I should have bought American…American designers start with the cup holder.” Don’t laugh, but I actually had a friend once who bought her car because of the cup holder. She had to replace her car rather soon after she bought it, though. Why? Because she applied makeup while driving and drinking a BigGulp of diet soda.
“I like to drink coffee in the car…but coffee is a diuretic. And the traffic is getting worse. The definition of desperation is a bran muffin, a cup of coffee, and a traffic jam.”
The whole bit about methan gas was so damn funny. “…in Albuquerque you could get yourself some TexMex, and you could blast your way through to Canada!”
American cars fascinated you. We had cars with fins – ” they could go underwater. I tried it a couple of times and they can’t. Well, they can, but they don’t come back.” Um, darling, how can I break this to you? Fins on cars are as useful as a copy of Emily Posts’ etiquette advice on proper attire is to Britney Spears.
Best line of the night: “I actually don’t honk the horn, I’m not very horny. I think I just lied to you.”
Email: Dale in Osage Beach, MO, “there’s a beach in Missouri? This is clearly a phony!” At least Rhiannon’s email from the other night was real enough for you to read. She’s excited about it! I know I would be, too. But, you never do read mine, do you? Don’t worry, I’m not mad. Too many other things that trump email. (Fine, I’m pouting a little, does that make you happy?)
Sketch: Larry King Live w/President Bush discuss the Avian flu pandemic. There was also a call from Harriette Miers. I laughed long and hard over “Wham Bam Thank You Sam” Alito. Oh, the hair piece…the humanity! And the clicking, tongue thrusting thing should have been a real turn on, but it only made me feel sick. I think it was due to the fact that I could really see Larry King doing that. His latest wife must be heavily medicated to be able to stand him. Or maybe it’s just that money really is more of an aphrodesiac than I thought. I couldn’t do it. And, thankfully, I’ll never be asked. Gotta love being almost 40!
First guest: Clink Black. Damn! That man is still as handsome as ever. Be still my beating heart! Sorry, Craigsy. My inner cowgirl gets a bit rowdy when his name is mentioned. All she can think of is doing a little bronc bustin’, iff’n you know what I mean.
Craig: What is it about country music, what makes something country music… and not something else? Is it just the hat?
Clint: The common thread through it all is the poetry, the lyrics, what it’s about. It’s what we all feel. You don’t have to be a professor of sociology to understand what it’s about.
Craig: You don’t have to be a professor of sociology to understand Britney Spears either. If she wanted to do country she’d have to do “Oops I Did It Again – In My Truck.”
Black’s dad gave him the foundation for appreciating the roots of country music. On each album, he tries to do something a little outside of the box and delves into blues, jazz, etc., but only for a little bit. He’s consistent, though, in his delivery of songs that come from the heart. I don’t care what genre he tries out, he hits all the right notes.
Clint talked with you about leaving school early. He stated that he regretted it within a year. He knew what he had lost. “This is the only time in your life where you’ll have one job that serves just you. If you can take advantage of that and get everything out of it, then it will serve you.” The fact that you’re both parents now, and understand the value of an education and the opportunities it affords you is great. There are plenty of people walking around who never understand that.
After the break, Clint performed “Code of the West” in honor of our troops. “Code of the West” has all the elements of a classic. The melody, the simplicity, the heartfelt lyrics that apply to people in many different situations – it’s all there.
He never disappoints with his songs. See above. One of my favorite songs is “Something That We Do”, another is “State of Mind”. And then there’s “Summer’s Comin’”. If you play that cut with Ricky Van Shelton’s “Backroads”, you’re set for a helluva road trip in late May or early June. Especially if you have a Giganticcino and a cup holder.
You know what? I only have one Clint Black CD these days. Ever since my car was broken into a year ago, I’ve had to slowly rebuild my music collection. Rare John Denver – GONE! Clint Black, Garth Brooks, Mark Collie, Tim McGraw, Martina McBride, Trisha Yearwood, Dwight Yoakum, Foster and Lloyd, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Suzy Boggus, Kathy Mattea (and others that I can’t remember) – GONE! Stevie Ray Vaughan, Tinku, my Blues Brothers, John Cougar Mellencamp – all gone and slowly but surely being replaced. A stereo in the car might help, too. All things in due time, right?
Second guest: Closing Bell on CNBC Maria Bartiromo, the Money Honey. She’s a big saver, you know, as well as being a good investor.
Craig: Martha Stewart – did she do it? Could she have you whacked if you said anything bad about her?
Bartiromo was gracefully tactful in her answers.
She’s an absolute doll! I don’t know what prompted you to have her on your show, Craig, but what a delight she was. Pretty, intelligent, and funny. I think that’s a testament to you more than anything. You bring out the good qualities in your guests.
“Welcome back. my strangely attractive pizza delivery boys?” Honey, we need to talk. Maybe it’s all those actors-in-waiting up in Hollywood that made you say that. All I know is that the majority of pizza delivery boys in my neighborhood look as though they could use a comb and a toothbrush as well as a few extra years before they become legal. Okay, sure. I’ve seen the occasional hottie toting pizza, but that doesn’t happen all that often in these parts. Of town. Of TOWN! Not my parts. Fine. My parts would like that too. One who looks like you or Clint Black. Oh, never mind. I really should digress so much.
Last guest: Jamie Kaler, comedian. Funny guy, although I lost my train of thought and kept thinking of you in a pizza boy outfit. he talked about being in the Navy, waking up too early, and thinking that maybe that’s why we get into so many wars. The bits about why his dad thought he was gay were pretty good, too. Perhaps I would have paid closer attention if not for the whole pizza thing. Shame on you. Shame on me. But mostly shame on you.
All too soon, the Cow of Time mooed and ended our evening together. Until tomorrow!
Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,
Expand your comedy horizons, check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 AM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.
About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. Her father was a sailor and her mother was a hamster. Maybe not a hamster, but, well…