Yes! You’re back! And, now, along with cousin Larry Appleton, we do the Dance of Joy!
Monologue: Halloween, of course. What’s scary than Halloween? Taxes? Sure, why not. You don’t understand Halloween. “You scare people and they give you stuff. That’s not a holiday, that’s extortion. Actually that is a bit like Tax Day, isn’t it?” Trick or treat is a lot like extortion. Again, like taxes, “give us money!” Then you launched into a bit about a celebrity on your street: Bill Paxton. Or is it Bill Pullman? Honey, nobody can tell them apart, don’t worry about it.
You don’t get into the whole decorating thing. You leave out a little something for the kids. A bowl of dog food or something. Dog food for the kids? “It’s good for their teeth and their shiny coats.” Since you had to be at work during the trick or treating, you made sure your house was trick-proofed by egging it yourself.
Scottish candy – “we don’t have terrible teeth for nothing, you know…Halloween in Scotland is very, very different. Actually, it’s exactly the same.” In Scotland, one didn’t go out trick or treating, one went out “guising”. Your standard costume was nothing more than a blanket, a sombrero, and a mustache. Yep, you got to be a Mexican. “Trick or treat, amigo.” Indeed.
Now, do you spell it m.u.s.t.a.c.h.e. or m.o.u.s.t.a.c.h.e? Both are correct, but one is aesthetically more pleasing to the eye, don’t you think? I’m not saying which one I like better, I’m just trying to make a point. Okay, I’m not really. Maybe the only point there is to make is that the root of the word mustache is from the Greek word moustakion. See? Everything comes from the Greeks. What? Too sharp for you? Did I hurt you with that one? Here, put some Windex on it. It’ll be fine in the morning. Yes, on BlogCritics, we tackle the tough questions in life.
Craig, you also said you weren’t that into Halloween. “Look, I come from a country that has…everywhere you go, there’s ghosts and haunted castles and…you can’t move for ghosts and creepy swamps and everything in Scotland!…Mr. and Mrs. Dracula lived down the street…We thought The Addams Family was a documentary.”
One of the side effects of death is a scary voice. I think the reason for that is the fact that ghosts don’t have lungs anymore. If you can’t breathe, how can you get any real force behind that diaphragm? (No, not that diaphragm, you naughty little donkey, the other diaphragm.)
Back to spookiness and ghosts and hauntings and the like, right? Your studio is haunted. By Bob Barker. And he’s not even dead. When you’re a couple thousand years old, you don’t have to be dead to be scary. But seriously…
“Dan Rather said the studio in New York was haunted by Edward R. Murrow. And Dan Rather would not make something up.”
In your youth, you saw Poltergeist while stoned. I think everyone saw that movie stoned, at least the first time. I wasn’t freaked out by Carol Anne getting sucked into the TV or the little old lady. I was scared by the tree outside Robbie’s window and the clown that choked him.
So, you admit to getting scared easily at the movies. I don’t watch scary movies anymore myself if I can help it. Well, except for this past weekend. I watched three. I couldn’t even tell you the names of them. I just watched and curled into as much of a fetal position as someone who has had part of her spine recently fused can. Amazing how flexible one is on muscle relaxers, eh?
The three scariest movies for you are Poltergeist, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. and anything with Barbra Streisand. You are my hero, Craig. She scares me, too. The only movie I can watch her in is What’s Up Doc? or For Pete’s Sake. I dunno, there’s something about her interacting with Madeline Kahn that tickled me. My three scary movies? Hmm, let’s see. They would have to be Scream, Pretty Peggy (an early 70s TV movie), To The Devil…A Daughter (with Nastassjia Kinski), and Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter, Part 27. Sorry, when you get to the point in a movie franchise when the actors look bored, it’s pretty damn scary to think that anyone shelled out the dough to see the movie, let alone make it.
Still, Halloween wasn’t all that bad. You went to a Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday night. “I only went for the articles.” Since you decided to go at the last minute, you had to improvise on the costume. You wore your kilt, which isn’t much of a costume for you, but for everyone else, it was a hit. All the kilt jokes came out. And pretty women were coming up to you asking “What do you wear under your kilt?” You replied, “On a good day, lipstick.”
Yes, you’re right, there is a reason that joke’s still around. It’s damn funny. You had to metion the sporran, didn’t you? The sporran, according to you, “it keeps everything under control. Otherwise, things can get unruly.”
Leonard Maltin was there. Other guests included Bill Maher, Scott Baio, and Seth Green. “Hugh Hefner was there, dressed up as the luckiest bastard that ever lived.”
As the evening wore on, you just wanted to put on pants, you said. “I’m not as young as I used to be…Gravity’s a cruel mistress. I needed to be held…I was kind of tired of hanging out. You know what I’m saying?”
After the first break you talked a bit about Vampire Bats and your role as Fisherman #1. “Man, that was a terrific movie…I’m so proud…amazing special effects.” [clip from the show] “Now, they don’t make crap like that anymore. Or apparently they do.”
Email time! Wichita, KS – Rhiannon wrote: “I have to write a review for a journalism class, I wonder if you could recommend any good movies.” “Why yes, I could: Vampire Bats.” Darla, from Corpus Christi: “Dear Astroboy Craig, if you ever had enough money to pay to go into space, would you do it? No, I wouldn’t.”
Sketch: You show up at a house dressed up as Alice Cooper and go out trick or treating. Oddly, you were at Cooper’s house. Cooper wants to know what the hell you’re supposed to be. You want to know who the hell he’s supposed to be and he, of course, is “dressed up” like you. Off you go, skipping along, trick or treating with Alice Cooper.
First guest: Sharon Stone just wrote a song with Damon Sharpe, Denise Rich, and Mark J. Feist to help hurricane victims. Incandescently lovely, says you. Yes, you got that one right this time. Not so for Susan Sarandon, but definitely applicable to Sharon. She was as giggly as a schoolgirl with you. I thought it was rather sweet watching the two of you together. She mentioned your haircut, “Who’s your gardener?” All flirts and smiles.
Back to the song to raise funds for hurricane relief efforts. It’s called “Come Together Now”. Folks are supposed to call radio stations and request it. You can find info on the song and video at Life With LG. Profits go to the many people with no place to live, a home for terminally ill children, and Planet Hope, a place for homeless children.
It seems that Stone’s been songwriting for the last couple of years. There’s been a big shift in her life. “Has something changed inside you that’s made you philanthropic?” She said her stroke 4 years ago changed things for her. “I had to do what was honestly right and good and true for me.” She’s been heading down this philanthropic path for quite a while, though. I mean, for the last dozen years or so, she’s been actively raising funds for American Foundation for AIDS Research (amfAR). Stone is merely expanding her efforts to help others, from what I can tell.
Later, you attempt to ask her about her pets. “Do you have a monkey?” No monkey for Sharon. She has cats and fish as pets. But, she won’t say what kind of fish. I have no idea what that’s about. The funny thing was watching as you two tried to keep your hands off each other. C’mon, Craigsy! Don’t pretend. Enjoy your friendship or whatever else it may be! Carpe diem! There’s no reason to hide it. We fans can take it. Even fans who have a crush on you can handle it.
Talk turned to Sharon acting in movies, directing, her new book, and songwriting. The book is called Something to Hold, and is “about guardian angels and their ability to help anyone, even the most isolated people.” She says it’s a book you give to someone who is grieving. Why not? Sometimes people need something to hold on to when they feel they’ve lost their way, their hope, their heart.
Quick jump to another subject. Vacation planning. You asked what would be her favorite vacation destination: Tahiti. Suddenly, you’re already heading off on vacation together. Sharon says you’d have to buy her black Tahitian pearls. Pearls and flowers, etc. After all, she’s “not a hooker”. Me thinks the vacation’s already happened. Mmhmm.
Speculation abounds that this thing between you and Sharon is more than a flirtation. Let’s see what the stars have to say, shall we?
The horoscope for Taurus for November states:
Venus will be a rather “chatty Cathy” because she’ll be flirting with Uranus on November 12, another sparkling night for love, especially if you are single and hope to meet someone new. Even if you are attached, though, this day should be outstanding, bringing you all kinds of pleasures you wouldn’t ever expect! Again, married or single, travel comes up as an ideal activity, and since November 12 is a Saturday, perhaps you can make a quick trip happen.
I can’t direct you to the site for that because it was sent to me via my friend, Tara, who, like you, like me, is a Taurus. For the most part, the horoscopes she sends me are pretty dead on. I glom on to the good and toss the bad. I figure, one way or another, I can affect my future based on will. If I believe things are going to be bad, they will. Or, I can look for the positives and work with them.
Okay, Craiggles, here’s the dealio. Go to Tahiti with Sharon, but bring me back
some one of those black pearls. Better still, just send cash. It’ll help with my move. Unless you want to come help. At this point, I need all the help I can get. I can’t do any of the lifting myself, you know. It’s the back surgery. While you’re here, you can help me find a damn place to live, too. But, that’s another story for another time. Or not.
I should also mention that the same forecast says this about the Taurus’ career:
Finally, keep watch on what happens on or near November 27 when a friend or partner could give you the keys to the city! Certainly someone near you cares about you and will be in a position to help. This appears to have something to do with a career opportunity…
Funny that, eh? Guess what I found online?
Craig Ferguson: It doesn’t seem that long ago that the actor was making folks laugh on The Drew Carey Show in the role of Nigel Wick. Maybe that’s because the series airs in syndication mode and he hosts The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS weeknights after David Letterman says goodnight to his fans. Ferguson can add the title Awards Show host to his work history. CBS announced yesterday that the Scottish comedian will host the The 32nd Annual People’s Choice Awards when the entertainment special airs live on Tuesday, January 10 from the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles.
I don’t make this stuff up, I just report it.
Finally, the show ended up with a spirited (get it? Halloween show…spirited?) performance from Franz Ferdinand. They performed their song “Do You Want To”, which was reminiscent of the music I listened to back in high school, way, way, way back in the early 80s. I liked it. Who knew? Ah, well, apparently you did, Craig.
And so, another lovely evening together has come and gone. It was wonderful and refreshing, especially after a week+ without you.
Until tomorrow, my funny Valentine!
Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,
For all your comedy needs, check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 AM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.
About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. Her home is currently haunted. Creaking staircases and spooky noises are everywhere. And, we won’t even mention that her front door seems to be some awful portal to a world run by creepy little insects. Yikes!