It’s good to be back home again. I’ve missed you. I’m still catching up on my taped shows. Later, dearios, later.
There’s only one problem tonight: your show’s a repeat. Okay, it’s not so much a problem because this is the one I missed a few weeks ago (September 23, 2005) when the VCR pooped out on me.
Monologue: You want your ass slapped. No, not because you’re into sports, but because you’re naughty. Eh, it’s really a combination, isn’t it? I’m not even touching the faked orgasms – I prefer real ones, thank you very much.
You attended your first baseball game with Drew Carey in Cleveland. You know what? That’s the best way to do it. You go with a big TV star to his hometown ballpark and get treated like royalty. Anyhow, the Cleveland Indians rock! I grew up in Cleveland and have always maintained a love for the team. I think it’s law. But back to the game with Drew. Stadium mustard and strippers, what’s not to like? However, the image of them offering to put the mustard on the hot dog the way you demonstrated it is quite disturbing. I don’t think that would be mustard so much as…oh, never mind. I grossed myself out with that one.
I’ve never been to a Dodger game. Living in San Diego, I get the Padres. Fun stuff.
Teaching your son to throw a baseball is an admirable thing. Don’t worry about throwing like a girl. I think I’m in the same bind these days. With my back injury, I haven’t exactly been playing much lately. Seven or eight years of softball and now I have nothing to show for it. It doesn’t matter. Your child always admire you and your abilities regardless of actual skill. I’m living proof. My son thinks I’m wonderful – most of the time
You mentioned attending the Superbowl here in San Diego a few years back. The Greenbay Packers vs. the Denver Omelets. Hehehe. Having lived in Colorado, that delighted me to no end. Did you know that one of my childhood friends was responsible for the music that you heard during the fireworks show the night before? Yes, indeed. And, I know the folks who did the fireworks, too. I’ve worked with them in years past for the 4th of July displays. Yep, I’m that sort of woman. Not this year, though – see a few paragraphs up for the back injury explanation.
By the way, the David Beckham comment was very funny – “we don’t let girls play professional soccer in Britain, except for David…” I never knew he moisturized. I’ll have to store that one in the old gray matter databank.
I think you need to share photos of your days playing rugby. C’mon, you know you should! Do it for your fans.
Email: Glad to know that I didn’t miss you reading my email that night.
Skits: New CBS show – I Want to be a Village Person, this time milkmen, dentists, farmers, and plumbers were represented. The most influential group of the 20th century? I almost had to fake my own orgasm over that one.
Then, on to Celebrity Grab Bag: My Plans for Fall – Bill Clinton (“I’m going to be wearing a scary mask for Halloween – Hillary”), Kenny Chesney (“This Fall, I’ll be working on a sad song for my new album. What rhymes with Zellweger?”), Renee Zellweger (“Oh, Kenny, you had me at fraud”), Kim Jong-il (“I’m going to stay warm by snuggling up in front of a nice warm nuclear reactor”), Kate Moss (“do I look fat?”). Much silliness, much appreciated. Glad I finally got to see it. I love the bits where you get to put on wigs and slam celebs. It’s perverse, but I enjoy it and I freely admit it.
Behind the Scenes Moment: Craig Maintains His Composure During a Power Outage. “I can’t believe you actually have huge buildings that were for entertainment purposes. [cue fading lights] That’s weird. What happened? We are what the young folks call BLEEP!”
First guest: Susan Sarandon, currently co-starring in Elizabethtown. Incandescent? You called her incandescent? Oh my. I’d hardly call her that. She’s many things, but I wouldn’t have picked incandescent. Fine, you can have that one. It’s a little late for me to quibble over a word at this point.
Susan recalls her stint guest hosting on your set once upon a time. You offered to let her guest host for you while you’re off making a sensitive movie like Dead Man Walking. You’d have to play the nun as a tranny, though. That would work. Instead of you in a kilt, it would be you in a habit. A skirt is a skirt is a skirt. Just don’t wear anything under the habit.
Rocky Horror Picture Show, you both had a turn at that show. You played Brad, she was Janet. Different productions, though. You both say that Rocky Horror alumni always carry at little bit of the show with you. I’ll have to ask my friend-the-actress if that’s true in her case as well. It’s America’s midnight movie. She admitted to dancing around in her underwear sometimes, while you admitted to faking your orgasms when you’re alone. Susan said she only fakes when she’s getting paid for them. Like in White Palace.
Sarandon spoke about meeting Tim Robbins on the set of Bull Durham, one of my favorite movies. I actually liked her in One of the more interesting comments she made was when you asked if she ever gets jealous when watching Tim in a love scene with someone else. She stated that she feels like she’s earning coupons that she can cash in later. I would think it might be a wee bit odd watching someone you love act in an intimate manner onscreen, but wouldn’t one have to remember that it’s just a movie? It’s not as if they’re at a bar picking up on someone in front of you. I don’t know; I’m not exactly in that sort of situation. No, I only have the guy who gets jealous because I spent a few days on the road with a band (full of nothing but GENTLEMEN). Anyhow, it seems to me that if you marry an actor, love scenes pretty much go with the territory.
Talk turned to child rearing. Sarandon says she might only have three children, but it seems like much more since they all have huge personalities. Her daughter (Eva Amurri, was in the movie Saved) is in Italy studying at the time (through Brown University) and Sarandon was getting ready to go visit her. Susan wondered how many mothers can say they can coach their daughters how to speak in tongues during a sex scene…I think that depends on how many children have famous mothers who have done that themselves? It’s just a guess on my part.
She also spoke about trying to keep her kids well-grounded despite the fact that they have everything they need due to her success. “As long as they’re grateful, then it’s okay if they’re spoiled a little bit.” I agree with that to a certain extent. But, the fact that Sarandon was applauded for saying she was making her son get his own breakfast before school. Huh? If the child is over the age of 8, that should be a no-brainer. I guess I don’t understand celebrity very well.
Only you could make Susan Sarandon seem interesting. I’m not much of a fan these days. I lost interest right around the time she and Tim decided to make a political speech during the Oscars. Sigh.
Next guest: Tom Everett Scott, who was then starring in a revival of the classic play Dead End. He said he was nervous about doing your show because he’s shy. “It’s so much easier to say someone else’s lines.” He also talked about playing drums in That Thing You Do. You mentioned that he seemed to have a lot of fun playing the role of a drummer. He practiced quite a bit to be convincing as a musician and then mentioned that he knew you’d been a drummer. You said you were a bad drummer, Craig. Shhh, don’t do that to yourself. Never.
On An American Werewolf in Paris: that role meant that he had to practice being a werewolf for two months before playing one in a movie.
Tom was also cast for a role on Stacked with Pam Anderson, but got fired. Apparently he wasn’t nerdy enough. He’d only been fired once before. He was working at F.A.O. Schwartz and got canned after one day.
Scott says he pretty much always wanted to be an actor, except when he wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. His parents told him to drink Tang to prepare for a career in space exploration.
He then talked about his play, Dead End. Of course, it’s no longer in production, but that’s okay. We don’t mind, do we, Craiggles? He’ll be in plenty of other movies, plays, and TV shows, we have time.
Musical guest: INXS with their new lead singer, you know, the one chosen on that reality show, Rock Star: INXS. Since I only watched 30 seconds of it one night between moments of blissful slumber, I can’t really say whether or not this guy was the best of the bunch. That just wasn’t my sort of show. Too many other good things on. Or, rather, too many other things I’d much prefer watching. J.D. Fortune…hmm, at least he has a rock star sort of name.
I wasn’t all that impressed by J.D.’s performance, though. He seemed very much out of place. I can’t explain it any other way. Wait, yes, I can. He seemed like a total poser. That’s just my opinion. After spending the last several days with a band where everyone “fits”, this was painful to watch. Craig, darling, you really should consider booking Anthony Gomes, Joe Bonamassa, Ben Robinson, or any number of other bands that could really benefit from the exposure on your show, and who are still able to give it all they have in the process. I’m just saying…
Oh, my dear, it was good to spend the evening with you after such a long break. Sure, it was less than a week, but it felt much longer. I know, I was off having fun while you were toiling away. I missed you, nevertheless. Thankfully, I programmed the VCR. Let’s just hope that it captured all the wonderful bits of you it was supposed to.
Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,
Learn to laugh again. Check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 PM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.
About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. However, if she continues to find low airfares, all bets are off. It’s happened before. The airfare, that is. Two final words: Goldfish crackers. Yummy!