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Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 10-18-05

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Dear Craig,

Some days it’s just best to stay curled up on the sofa with a cup of hot tea and a stack of Mighty Ferguson videos. It certainly would have cost me less money than my other activities today. But, that’s not important. What really matters is spending this time with you tonight. You are the slightly crazed sanity that brings everything back into perspective. Yes, you have that much power, my friend.

Monologue: You’ve decided to do the show fully clothed. Awww! You won’t take your clothes off no matter how much we beg and plead. [Insert boo-boo face here] Wait, you will take more begging and pleading. The reason you’re talking that crazy naked talk is because of the new nightclub in London called “Starkers”. Nudity is required. Naked dancing people…hmm…in some circles that could be quite interesting. As you pointed out, it would be hard…er…difficult for a man to hide his interest in various woman. And women wouldn’t have the WonderBra-enhanced fluff ‘n’ stuff going on. I can just imagine how rough this might be on couples who visit the club.

“Where you looking at her? You’re attracted to her, aren’t you?” the woman would ask. The man would reply, “No, of course not!” The woman would look down and a fight would ensue.

Eh, nudists are a fun lot. Whether at a beach or in a nightclub, one must be prepared to see all shapes and sizes in their full glory.

Many great lines were thrown about during the monologue, some of your best, in fact. You are so naughty sometimes. I love it! (Anyone wishing to see the monologue should check the Comedy section of the Late Late Show site. It’s worth the effort!)

Craig Ferguson
Email: You mentioned blogs. Not exactly my name or my letters to you, but it’s close enough for now. You’ve done well, Craig. Very well. Consider my clothed nipples saluting your efforts. And by the way, “ennui” is one of my favorite words, Mr. Intuitive.

First guest: Introduction for Melina Kanakaredes leads to a Richard Kind appearance. “What the hell are you doing here, Richard?” you ask. He insists you invited him on. He accuses her of having a little too much Ouzo in the baklava. When he mentions his new series Head Cases, you mention it was cancelled. Poor Richard. He’s in denial. No, he’s angry. He’s livid! And he’s very, very funny. I wish they hadn’t cancelled the show. I liked it. [cue outrage] You bastards! You killed Head Cases! [/outrage]

After commercials, we finally get our lovely Greek goddess, Melina Kanakaredes. Like me, she’s originally from Ohio. Interestingly enough, she’s from Akron, former home of my aunt and uncle. You show a clip from CSI: NY and then we get to hear from Melina. She states that she’s given it much thought and has decided that she prefers you naked instead of in a Speedo. Being Greek, Kanakaredes has some experience with nude beaches and shares one of her experiences.

Melina’s family has a chocolate factory. Growing up, she got to help out. Is that every kid’s fantasy or what? She said all her nut clusters ended up looking like turds. I think they look like turds no matter what. Personally, I’m a strong believer in chocolate sans nuts.

When she got married, it was not totally dissimilar from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. She states that, despite having 500 guests in attendance, there are still people who are mad that they didn’t get invited. I know the feeling, Melina. I married into a Greek family and we only had 75 guests. Yes, modest by most standards; cheap and inconsiderate on the Greek scale. It happens.

She then moved on to tell of how her uncle worked for Goodrich and helped develop the sleeves with lighted gloves on the original space suits. Very cool! I would love to see a side-by-side comparison of the original suits and the ones NASA uses now.

Next guest: Astronaut Steve Robinson. He performed an unplanned space walk to repair the space shuttle. What a nice tie-in to Kanakaredes story about her uncle. Knowing that you’re a space buff, Craig, I’m sure you wanted to ask him more questions that you had time for. Most of us can only imagine what it’s like in space. Sigh.

NASA doesn’t let astronauts keep their space suits. Believe it or not, they pass them on to another astronaut. Makes sense, they’re expensive.

Even though it was Robinson’s third trip to space, it was his first time to venture outside the shuttle. He explained the details of how he repaired the tiles. And, he told a bit of what it was like to be in space. He said it was really difficult to eat with chopsticks on the shuttle. Steve then described training in the Vomit Comet. Particularly cool, is the fact that Steve got to be on the shuttle with John Glenn, one of his heroes.

I wish there were whole episodes available online. Or perhaps a DVD of several shows. That would be heaven. I’d love for my son to hear about life in space. Like Robinson, my child is fascinated by the idea of exploring the galaxy. Thank goodness for video tape. I only hope I don’t forget and tape over this episode.

It’s been fabulous, my sweet Scot. May your week be full of fun and wonder!

Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little luggage-toting minx,
Joanie

Laugh your ass off, check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 PM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.

About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. Two words: Road trip to Vegas time! Okay, that was five, but that’s what happens at times. I’ll resume my love letters upon my return from my rock ‘n’ roll fantasy. Envy me. Lots. On the road with a band for a few days. The only way it could possibly get better is to have Craig along for the ride.

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About Joan Hunt

  • http://www.whoserville.com Jay

    Most people think that it’s only the um, more mature women who enjoy Craig Ferguson. I am a 23-year-old (straight) guy, and I try to never miss a show. I’ve only missed a total of five.