I should be spanked soundly for my impertinence at being so very tardy with my letter. Please say you’ll forgive me this time. Heck, let me grovel ahead of time for this whole week being so horribly messed up. Vegas calls. It happens, you know.
Anyhow, I have my ChapStick on and I’m puckered, baby! Let’s get the show on the road.
Monologue: White Sox make it to the World Series first time since 1959. You’ve been invited to 18-year old’s birthday party. Party lists are weird, aren’t they? Especially when they involve Hollywood mini-divas and nightclubs. “Now the drinking age in California is 21, so how can they get these 18-year olds into the nightclub? They’ll have to flash their fake IDs or fake whatever else they have.”
Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
Best lines: “I’m a middle-aged man who works at 12:30 at night. I am creepy by definition!” and “I’m not even plan B. I’m plan F.” As well, “I’m European. So, until I get my U.S. passport, by law, I have to wear a Speedo. By law… You’re cheering now because you can’t see it. I’m telling you, that would end your party.”
Sharp, witty, slightly bitter humor works so very well with me. The whole monologue rocked and I’m telling everyone who hasn’t seen it to check your website for their dose of laughter. It’s really that simple.
Email: Denied again. I’ve decided not to take this so personally. In fact, I’m going to quit sending you mail at the show. I’ll just have to find some other way to get your undivided attention, you naughty mountain lion.
Them Bats Have Gone Crazy! would have been a better title for your TV movie.
The Bush-Miers letters skit – “sexy calves”…Craiggles, that was inspired; full of deliciosity, if I do say so myself.
First guest: Joely Fisher. Six months pregnant and looking lovely. I’m so envious. She’ll look better through her entire pregnancy than I will on my best day, I’m afraid. Anyhow, she’s just joined the cast of Desperate Housewives as a bitchy executive. More deliciosity! My favorite Fisher role, however, was Paige on Ellen. I loved that show and all the characters on it.
Joely talked about parenthood and her upcoming birthday. While pregnant with her first child, she did a prenatal yoga class that she believes is responsible for her daughter being so calm and centered. She’s not doing it this time around, though. There simply isn’t enough time. She also announced that she’s having another girl.
Fisher talked about craving fried foods. You said you do as well, but you’re Scottish and that’s to be expected. You also mentioned that your mom craved coal while she was pregnant with you. That condition is called pica and is common, especially when the mother is lacking certain nutrients. Ahh, the benefits of my nursing experience pays off once again!
Birthday: Joely and her sister, Carrie, are having a combined birthday party next weekend. Everyone normally dresses up – “in fancy dress?” you asked. I love that phrase. As to whether or not Joely will be dressing up in costume this Halloween, it all depends on whether or not she can find a costume that goes well with her expectant state. She mentioned “a nun, or a school girl…”
Next guest: McG. Now there’s a name! Simple, to the point, and much better than Cher. McG was the director of one of the Charlie’s Angels movies, executive producer of The O.C., and has a new show called Supernatural. He arrived on stage fully clothed and break dancing. He asked “What happened to the whole ‘guys don’t talk thing’?…’that was for us’.” He was referring to the fact that you told everyone he’d been starkers backstage when you went to his dressing room. I’m not one to cast aspersions, but, I think he likes you, Craig. We all do.
There was so much more, but I can’t concentrate to save my life. You’re on TV again right now and I have to pay attention. It’s too tempting and I’m a weak woman. Besides, I like the way you say Kanakaredes. I’d love to take you to a Greek restaurant (Joseph’s on Ivar?) just to hear you order spanikopita. And, let’s invite Zach Galifianakis to join us. I want you to say his name repeatedly…and pet his soft hair with me. You’ll like it, I promise.
Maybe I’ll send you a big lovely P.S. later.
Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little double-breasted blazer,
Join the fun, check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 PM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.
About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. Two words: hot pretzels.