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Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 10-12-05

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Dear Craig,

Consider my pants off and ready for fun! Hey, don’t look at me that way. I’m just following directions. And, by the way – I’m always groovy.

Wow! You were bouncy as all get out tonight. I liked it.

Monologue: Bond. James Bond. Yes, we have a new James Bond, but I can’t understand why they didn’t choose someone more like….you. No matter what, no one will ever match Sean Connery. He’s my favorite Bond. Ever. I do agree that there are fewer gadgets for Bond that the rest of us don’t already have. Still, I think there are a good many inventions that could be developed. Invisibility. Think of what Bond could see if no one knew he was there.

Digital camera lessons? Honey, when I come over to help you with Galaga we’ll just add on some time for the camera, okay?

According to you, cameras steal your soul. “Luckily, I work in show business so my soul has been gone for many, many, many years. Yes, I’m a minion of the Dark One.”

Mega pixels, pixels, pixies, elves, fairies, and trolls. All of them are horribly complicated and require no explanations. Gnomes are even worse. How ’bout we agree to leave them be and go out for a nice dinner instead?

Your first head shots were taken by a morgue technician? Oh my. At least the guy had experience making people look lifelike. Simmer down, that wasn’t nearly as insulting as it sounded. (I told you I was cheeky!)

Email: Claudia in Miami, M in New York, none from me. Sigh. This really is becoming rather pathetic.

First guest: Joe Mantegna is currently starring in Nine Lives with Kathy Bates, Holly Hunter, Ian McShane, and Dakota Fanning. From what I can tell, the film centers around nine women and the events that shape their lives. Unfortunately, the website for the movie is currently down.I like Joe Mantegna and will generally watch anything with him in it. I miss Joan of Arcadia, where I got my weekly dose of Joe. About the only projects he’s worked on that I haven’t been thrilled with are the Spenser: For Hire movies. Robert Urich will always be the only Spenser (not related to me) that I’d hire.

Mantegna has also provided the voice for Fat Tony on the Simpsons. He based the voice on the way his uncle speaks and related a story of how his uncle once accompanied him to the recording studio. Essentially, Mantegna said if he had to step out for the restroom, his uncle could fill in for him. Speaking of family, Joe’s mom just turned 90, although she’ll only cop to 88. Hell, if I made it to 90, I’d want credit for each and every year! Anyhow, talk kept returning to family and marriage.

According to Joe, the reason he’s been married for 30 years is that he realizes that marriage is like a roller coaster, you have to expect the ups and downs. He’s also extremely grateful that there’s someone who wants to support the things he does. I think it’s safe to say that’s what most of us want from our relationships; someone who believes in what we do.

Second guest: Sue Johanson, the sexpert from the Oxygen Network’s Talk Sex. Johanson is a nurse who established a birth control center in Canada in the 70s. From there, she went back to college to get the classes necessary to teach sex education to high school students. Over time, she became a noted speaker on sex and sexuality, eventually ending up with her own talk show.

My poor Craigsy, you are so easily flustered when it comes to discussing sex. Sue Johanson was correct when she said it’s healthy to talk about sex, healthy to have sex. All that’s required is the consenting adults. I found it odd that she couldn’t talk to her own children about anything other than the basics of sex. I understand that it can be embarrassing, but you have to believe that you’ve raised your children well enough to have frank discussions with them. Of course, that’s easy for me to say. My daughter and I had the talk a couple years ago and my son is currently not interested in much beyond “where do babies come from?” I guess she may have a point; talking to a stranger about sex seems easier.

The best part of having access to experts like Johanson is that we can ask those questions we’re too afraid to ask our doctors. However, we should remember that talking with our partners is essential when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships. If you can talk to them about sex, you can talk to them about anything.

I’m sure I was the only viewer who found it sweet that there was a little playful flirting and teasing going on between you and Sue Johanson, Craig. How sweet!

I fully enjoyed the show last night. The Mighty Ferguson used all his gentle interview skills to draw his guests into delightfully revealing conversation. That’s what I like.

As usual, I can’t wait for the next show. Until then, my feathery little homing pigeon…

Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,


Discover for yourself what all the buzz is about, check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 PM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and/or refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.

About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. If Craig were on Survivor, he’d be the only one she’d want to reach the final two with her. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Plus, he’d be running around in shorts and getting all sweaty, which normally isn’t all that appealing but somehow really works for her in a Survivor scenario. Eh, go figure.

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