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Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 10-10-2005

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Dear Craig,

I’m not exactly sure where you get your ideas for the show, but if they’re a product of some crazy food you’ve eaten or some weird new agey treatment, I’m cool with that. You are definitely not a mainstream thinker. I like that. Quirky. That’s what you are. Quirky.

Monologue: Columbus Day in America means that everything is closed and people stay home, except you. Columbus Day was always a mixed blessing for me as a child. You see, children get the obligatory Christopher Columbus/1492 lessons for at least a week prior to the semi-holiday. Every year, I was made the captain of a ship. Why? Because my name at the time was Nina Maria Pinta. Okay, maybe not. But my last name was Pinta. Yeah, you try to work around that one. Someday I’ll tell the story of the cars my family drove. Three vehicles, all Pintos. Oh, guess I already spilled the beans, didn’t I?

Craig Ferguson
“No, no! I don’t want to be captain again! Mutiny! Mutiny!” That rarely earns points with teachers. No amount of sniffing of the old oil cloth desk covers could erase their steely stares and stern frowns from my mind.

Back to the show. Yes. Let’s.

I was rolling merrily along with you until you got to “whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Torquemada? Ah, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.” I laughed so hard that I missed quite a bit. Thankfully, I taped the show and can go back to watch again and again and again. I won’t dare attempt capturing the fun tonight. I’m nowhere near recovered enough from the gigglefest to do an adequate job.

The Spanish Inquisition, indeed.

Ximinez:
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn!

(To Cardinal Biggles) I can’t say it – you’ll have to say it.

Forgive this poor Python fan. I have a rather large library of Monty Python transcripts. It’s my other obsession. And, I digress.

Still, while I’m digressing down this particular path, let me tell you a little story about a trip to Reno, a sexy, funny bass player, and the Spanish Inquisition. No? Fine, fine. I understand. Most men don’t want to hear about the other guys a woman’s spent time with, although, technically, I was never “with” the bass player. We only sat around drinking and telling stories. I keep musicians as friends, not lovers. It’s not so much a rule as it is a useful guideline.

Ah, well. Time to move along again.

First guest: Dominic Monaghan from the hit TV show Lost. The two of you got to talking and I was in 7th heaven. Not the show 7th Heaven, though. Sorry. No. Not going there. Rather, the accents and the pure enjoyment of them. Plus, I really like Lost.

Monaghan said he solved the age-old question of which came first, the chicken or the egg. I guess when you’re a hobbit, you have time to learn all sorts of things.

Dominic has a man crush. That’s a good thing. Any man who is confident enough in his masculinity to admit to it is okay in my book. I bet he looks nice in swim trunks, too.

Skit: “Glasgow, 1975…” Craig Ferguson’s Scottish Years was a particularly brilliant piece of work. Where on earth did you find that kid? I can’t wait until that’s on the website!

Several emails tonight, but, once again, none were from me. You live to break my heart, don’t you, Mr. Ferguson? Sigh. I’ll never get over this. Unless, of course, you use that fine Scottish burr on me. I’m a sucker for that, you know.

Next guest: The author of The Story Of Chicago May, Nuala O’Faolain. What a delightful woman! She’s someone you immediately feel as though you could sit down and have a cup of tea together, talking about anything and everything. One of her previous books, Are You Somebody: The Accidental Memoir of a Dublin Woman, chronicles her life as the daughter of a cold, distant, alcoholic mother. It’s a harsh, but earnest, story that begs to be read. Be prepared to seclude yourself from friends and family as you pour over her words. The Story Of Chicago May should prove an equally good read.

I never knew about the Italian restaurants in Glasgow. Why did my friends, Sheila and Rob, never clue me in? You must be hoarding that information to keep us foreigners away.

Musical guest: Rihanna, 17-year old hip hop singer from Barbados. She must be the singer my daughter was raving about. Rihanna sang “Should I’ from her album Music of the Sun.

Craiggles, my funny Scottish stallion, I shall see you tomorrow night. Same place? Same time? Good. I’ll be there with bells on. The line-up for tomorrow’s show: Dennis Hopper, Cheryl Hines, Sarge.

Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,
Joanie

Do yourself a favor and check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 PM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.

About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. However, she will be in the Los Angeles area next week and invites Craig, and all others, to join her at Cozy’s in Sherman Oaks on Friday, October 21, for amazing music of the Anthony Gomes Band. If Craig were truly smart, he’d book them on the show.

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About Joan Hunt

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/arcticnyx/ Heather

    The Scottish Years is up on the CBS site! This makes me very happy because the infinate wisdom of my local CBS provider was to run commercials until that skit was over. Then I checked some Craig message board only to find out it was the best skit ever. So I’m glad its up on the site – I’m headed there next.
    The monologue was great last night. I love his smartness. Smart humor goes a long way in my wee book, I’ll tell ya.
    And what an inspiration Nuala O’Faolain is. As someone who would like to one day be the writer of books, I like to see women who write ‘confessional crap’ succeed by chance or circumstance. It gives me hope.
    I keep thinking I should tape LLS but I don’t. I suppose if I did I’d never leave the living room. (So I come here instead.)
    And Monty Python is definately a good alternative obsession. :)
    (oh, and let me know if I’m talking too much. 😀 )

  • http://bonamassablog.us Joanie

    You can never say too much, Heather. Feel free to comment at will.

    By the way, thanks for the tip that the Scottish Years was already online. My son watched it four or five times today.

  • Tourgoddess

    Joan,
    I am concerned about this Sharon Stone thing.
    While they might have gotten along like a house on fire and she is vivacious, intelligent, and attractive, she is also an extremely volatile and capricious diva. She is also quite competitive.

    While they have sons somewhat the same age in common and live close to one another, I am hoping that this relationship will be a roman candle and fizzle quickly – for his sake.

    Craig is actually a decent fellow and particularly vulnerable to the charms of such a person.

    Recently divorced men seem to marry on the rebound and I certainly hope this is not the case here.
    The Tourgoddess

  • http://bonamassablog.us Joanie

    Craig’s a grown man who deserves as much happiness as anyone else. Whether he’s dating Stone or anyone else, it’s none of my business.

  • Mcikiewicz

    I think Sharon Stone should be dating me, Not Craig Ferguson. I think I’m better looking and much younger than him!

  • http://www.showbiznotes.com/showbiznotes/2006/04/if_a_host_sucks_at_1230_in_the_1.php You actually like craig?

    Not trying to be rude, but I just don’t get Craig.
    Found an article that kind of sums up my opinion and actually sheds some light on how he got the job.

  • tabatha

    he is not dating sharon stone!!!!!!!!
    he said it himself on his show!!!!!!
    and craig ferguson is the best talk show host out there and always will be!
    and he is sexy!