I’m not exactly sure where you get your ideas for the show, but if they’re a product of some crazy food you’ve eaten or some weird new agey treatment, I’m cool with that. You are definitely not a mainstream thinker. I like that. Quirky. That’s what you are. Quirky.
Monologue: Columbus Day in America means that everything is closed and people stay home, except you. Columbus Day was always a mixed blessing for me as a child. You see, children get the obligatory Christopher Columbus/1492 lessons for at least a week prior to the semi-holiday. Every year, I was made the captain of a ship. Why? Because my name at the time was Nina Maria Pinta. Okay, maybe not. But my last name was Pinta. Yeah, you try to work around that one. Someday I’ll tell the story of the cars my family drove. Three vehicles, all Pintos. Oh, guess I already spilled the beans, didn’t I?
“No, no! I don’t want to be captain again! Mutiny! Mutiny!” That rarely earns points with teachers. No amount of sniffing of the old oil cloth desk covers could erase their steely stares and stern frowns from my mind.
Back to the show. Yes. Let’s.
I was rolling merrily along with you until you got to “whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Torquemada? Ah, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.” I laughed so hard that I missed quite a bit. Thankfully, I taped the show and can go back to watch again and again and again. I won’t dare attempt capturing the fun tonight. I’m nowhere near recovered enough from the gigglefest to do an adequate job.
The Spanish Inquisition, indeed.
NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn!
(To Cardinal Biggles) I can’t say it – you’ll have to say it.
Forgive this poor Python fan. I have a rather large library of Monty Python transcripts. It’s my other obsession. And, I digress.
Still, while I’m digressing down this particular path, let me tell you a little story about a trip to Reno, a sexy, funny bass player, and the Spanish Inquisition. No? Fine, fine. I understand. Most men don’t want to hear about the other guys a woman’s spent time with, although, technically, I was never “with” the bass player. We only sat around drinking and telling stories. I keep musicians as friends, not lovers. It’s not so much a rule as it is a useful guideline.
Ah, well. Time to move along again.
First guest: Dominic Monaghan from the hit TV show Lost. The two of you got to talking and I was in 7th heaven. Not the show 7th Heaven, though. Sorry. No. Not going there. Rather, the accents and the pure enjoyment of them. Plus, I really like Lost.
Monaghan said he solved the age-old question of which came first, the chicken or the egg. I guess when you’re a hobbit, you have time to learn all sorts of things.
Dominic has a man crush. That’s a good thing. Any man who is confident enough in his masculinity to admit to it is okay in my book. I bet he looks nice in swim trunks, too.
Skit: “Glasgow, 1975…” Craig Ferguson’s Scottish Years was a particularly brilliant piece of work. Where on earth did you find that kid? I can’t wait until that’s on the website!
Several emails tonight, but, once again, none were from me. You live to break my heart, don’t you, Mr. Ferguson? Sigh. I’ll never get over this. Unless, of course, you use that fine Scottish burr on me. I’m a sucker for that, you know.
Next guest: The author of The Story Of Chicago May, Nuala O’Faolain. What a delightful woman! She’s someone you immediately feel as though you could sit down and have a cup of tea together, talking about anything and everything. One of her previous books, Are You Somebody: The Accidental Memoir of a Dublin Woman, chronicles her life as the daughter of a cold, distant, alcoholic mother. It’s a harsh, but earnest, story that begs to be read. Be prepared to seclude yourself from friends and family as you pour over her words. The Story Of Chicago May should prove an equally good read.
I never knew about the Italian restaurants in Glasgow. Why did my friends, Sheila and Rob, never clue me in? You must be hoarding that information to keep us foreigners away.
Musical guest: Rihanna, 17-year old hip hop singer from Barbados. She must be the singer my daughter was raving about. Rihanna sang “Should I’ from her album Music of the Sun.
Craiggles, my funny Scottish stallion, I shall see you tomorrow night. Same place? Same time? Good. I’ll be there with bells on. The line-up for tomorrow’s show: Dennis Hopper, Cheryl Hines, Sarge.
Your cheeky wee monkey and saucy little minx,
Do yourself a favor and check out The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on CBS, Monday-Friday, 12:30 PM, Pacific. If you can’t stay up that late and refuse to record the show, you can always catch up on the monologues and skits on the LLS website.
About the author: Joan’s fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. However, she will be in the Los Angeles area next week and invites Craig, and all others, to join her at Cozy’s in Sherman Oaks on Friday, October 21, for amazing music of the Anthony Gomes Band. If Craig were truly smart, he’d book them on the show.