Home / Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 10-6-2005

Courting Craig Ferguson: The Late Late Show Diaries 10-6-2005

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Dear Craig,

Oh, my dear frisky little pony, how I love our evenings together. Tonight was perfect. After a somewhat surreal day, I turned to you. You gave your all and scored big time.

Monologue: You got Galaga! I’m so jealous. You have no idea how much I love that game. It was the only game I played back in the day. Later, when I was tending bar in a little neighborhood pub in a Denver suburb (yeah, I’ve been around, what of it?), after the bar closed, I’d sit, have a drink with my coworkers and one or two favored customers. We’d gather around our beloved “vintage” Galaga machine. I got so good, I could hit a cool mil on my first ship. And that was without resorting to any of the cheats. Give me an afternoon and I’ll have you beating the pants off your friend. If you’re into that sort of thing, that is. Seriously, I could turn you into a major Galaga competitor.

It’s a shame that anyone would dare to give you a bad time about your new essential dining room accessory. It’s not a sign of a midlife crisis or Juveniling. No, it’s a sign that you know what’s fun! While it may be a bit addicting, it’s relatively harmless — up until the carpal tunnel sets in. No Galagosis for you. That’s why you need balance. Or a girlfriend. A girlfriend who would bogart that machine. Not that I have anyone in mind or anything. (Don’t mind me. I’ll just be here in the corner, whistling, and digging my toe in the dirt.)

While we’re on the subject of your monologue, may I offer some advice? You told the world that you had been squirreling away your nuts. That might be something you want to keep to yourself. PETA doesn’t like that sort of animal interaction. And, you really need to be careful with that Chuck E. Cheese place. There’s no need to have a tantrum. If you need to borrow a kid to go there, I have one I could loan you. It’s a package deal, though. Where he goes, I go. But this would be a good thing. I know the magic words to keep him from singing your theme song repeatedly.

Craig Ferguson
Confession time. My son has begun to take on a Scottish accent. He watches (some of) your monologues online. And I have to play your theme over and over and over again. I’m rather happy about this development, strange as it may seem. You see, when he was your son’s age, he wanted to be the Crocodile Hunter. He had the accent down pat. Given the choice, I’d rather he figuratively die onstage, midjoke, than literally die in the jaws of some reptilian giant. Call me “Mommy”, I worry. Hmm, would you consider calling me “Mommy”? Listen, I don’t care if you can still get into your graduation wig or not. I just want to see what’s under the robe. Too far, Joan. Too far.

You always do this to me. I get so wrapped up in YOU that I forget that other people (like your lawyer) have access to these letters. Time to get back to the show.

Prior to your first celebrity guest, you brought out Heidi Flanders, a “flight attendant” boycotting Flightplan. I don’t know who the actress was in that bit, but she was good. “I’m just this mindless high altitude sex kitten,” she said. This wasn’t the first movie she’s boycotted. No, she’s boycotted Little Man Tate, Nell, Panic Room, Contact…I guess I must be against Jodie Foster, too. I boycotted Nell and Sommersby. “T’ee an me an t’ee an me”…”who is this man sitting in my kitchen?” Yeah, right. Like I’m going to sit through dialogue like that. Sommersby was so bad that IMDB doesn’t even have memorable quotes from the damn thing.

Oh well.

First guest: The Fonz, Henry Winkler. Woo woo! Henry’s currently starring in Out of Practice. Monday night, 9:30, CBS. Yes, dear. We got it. His co-star is a Czechoslovakian Border Collie. And, Stockard Channing. I’ve seen the show. I’ll keep watching; I’m willing to give it a chance.

Winkler, “If you needed to be a doctor, if you wanted to be a doctor, I’d go to you. I’d be your very first patient.”

You: “Are you mad? Why?”

Winkler: “Don’t…Didn’t you get the sense that you just trust this man?”

You: “I can name at least five women, right now, that could put an end to any kind of rumor that you could trust me.”

Craiggles, we do get the sense that you are trustworthy. Forget what anyone else says. You project, nay, inspire confidence.

But let’s get back to Henry Winkler’s Labradoodle. Or not.

The Fonz rocks! I don’t care what he says about anything else. He could read this, tell me I suck (or am seriously disturbed), and I’d be nodding in agreement. The fact that he likes you as much as I do makes him okay in my (as-of-yet-unpublished) book.

It’s all about rats’ asses and the like. I just don’t care what anyone else thinks. I am smitten and that’s that.

Next guest: Aron Ralston. I don’t normally cry when your show is on, Craigsy, but Ralston’s simply amazing. His tale is powerful; full of peril, courage, and honest-to-goodness grit. The imagery of the raven, the exchange of life, all of it was compelling and touching. For those who don’t remember, Aron Ralston is the young man who was trapped in a canyon while out on a hike. His arm was stuck in a crevice for 5 days before he decided that he needed to cut it off if he were to survive.

As one Amazon reviewer said of Aron’s ordeal: “the force of life can beat unbelievable odds against the force of death.”

If anyone missed this episode, they missed so much. “There are more things in Heaven and Earth” ~ Shakespeare via Ferguson the Eloquent. Absolutely.

Musical guest Julie Gribble sang “Little Bit Lonely“, a beautiful song that was perfectly in tune with tonight’s show. Clear, potent lyrics combined with a captivating melody.

This was a fitting end to an interesting day. Thank you, Craig, for always hitting the right note.

Your cheeky wee monkey and naughty little minx,

To catch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, tune in at 12:30pm on CBS, Monday through Friday. It’ll be the best hour of your entire day.

Note about the author: Joan Hunt has credited Craig with her near-miraculous almost-recovery from back surgery. Her fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. Her goal in life appears to be having any one of her many emails to Ferguson read on-air by him. Mostly, she just wants to hear him say her name. Dinner would be nice, too. She’s willing to forego dinner and a career in nursing for a day of Galaga in Craig’s dining room. If formal attire is required, that’s doable, too.

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About Joan Hunt

  • mel

    girl,you need to let this shit go. he thinks you’re a psycho by now. forget him and focus on your son, scottish accent joke NOT funny . c fergusen is dating sharaon f ing stone. that IS where HE is coming from .
    – a friend

  • Mel, you take this way too seriously.

  • mel

    i’m not the one spending time writing to this man , way too seriously
    let it go

  • I’m typing this slowly because I know you can’t read fast, Mel. Reality check! I don’t write real letters to Craig Ferguson.

    You need to learn to separate the jokes from the review parts of this piece.

    If you don’t get the humor, fine. But don’t take everything you read so literally.

  • Joan,
    I’ve been enjoying your comments on the captivating Mr. Ferguson. It’s too bad that not everyone understands your humor.


  • I’ve gotten those kinds of comments too on some stuff, a lot quicker (something about me?). Keep on being yourself, as long as it’s legal.

  • Joan, you rock!
    Life’s too short to be so serious (mean, too?). Keep writing the Late Late Show Diaries – they’re a nice break from homework and make me laugh!

  • Y’all are awesome! Thank you!

  • Verity Davis

    Oh Lordy! Sharon Stone?

    Yes, she is attractive, lively, and intelligen, but I think the romance will be simply a Roman Candle.

    I have a feeling she is a high-maintenance affair.

    She has not been able to maintain any sort of a long relationship (three very short marriages) and has health issues which include diabetes, asthma, and an allergy to caffine; so don’t expect her to cuddle with the dogs, eat fried Mars Bars, or join in a cup of tea!

    I hope he has fun while it lasts!


  • Dottie

    Someone is either blind or dosent care at all. this guy makes my night I can have and do a few miserable days and he really puts a smile on my face. and that courtship with Sharon Stone, is the first I learned of this and can really say that is a great couple if It is true. She is a doll and so pretty and he is handsome and they both are so cute and witty why not???????? jealous ….?? go for it you two..great by me……….

  • melodymaestra

    holy that was SCARY