Another beautiful day for all of Southern California and another wonderful evening to be spent with you. Sure, it was warm today, but then again, it’s the perfect lead-in for getting toasty with you.
Monologue: “It’s another great day for America. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are pregnant.” You don’t make this stuff up, but sometimes I think it would be so much better if you did. As you pointed out, Tom will have one hell of a time disciplining his child. “Hey! Don’t jump on the couch!” Exactly, m’dear.
You moved from Tom and Katie right into shoplifting. How appropriate. If you can rob a cradle, you can certainly rob a store.
“It’s not such a great day for the English, though. A new study revealed that the English are the biggest shoplifters in Europe.” You offered proof, too. They stole Scotland and Ireland!
Like you, I once shoplifted. I did it mostly to shock the goody-goody daughter of my mom’s best friend. I’m not proud of it, but I do admit it. I was a little older than you were. 12 or 13 to your 7. And, I had no Uncle Jack with a store from which to steal. No, I took a bathing suit from Walker Scott. You took a Bounty Bar, “it’s like an Almond Joy but without the almonds. There’s no joy, either.” Forgive me for the sprayed water all over the TV screen. It was the second occurrence of the night. The couch bit was even worse. Water coming out of my nose really isn’t the most pleasant feeling.
Before I go on, can I just say how much I liked that guttural “Ooooooooooh” of disapproval? I liked it. There. Said. Done. Let’s move on.
Guests for the evening were David Duchovny and Sinead O’Connor.
First up: David Duchovny, on the show to promote the DVD release of The House of D. I first got excited about the movie after reading the House of D blog. I wasn’t among those who got to see the film in the theater, though. Now that it’ll be available on DVD (from Lions Gate Films, October 7, 2005), I’ll have that chance.
I have to admit that I wasn’t always a Duchovny fan. I never seriously got into The X-Files. However, I did like him in Chaplin, Playing God, Return to Me, and Evolution. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I liked each of those for different reasons. I can generally find some redeeming quality in just about anything.
Before he promoted House of D, David Duchovny made his own shoplifting confession. It seems he used to walk into a store with a tennis ball can and slip a soda can inside. Putting a single tennis ball on top, he could walk out without paying for the drink. That worked rather well for him until he got caught by his friend’s sister. She promised to keep his secret if he would steal for her. “I saw a life of crime ahead of me. I quit right there.”
Duchovny went on to briefly promote the DVD release, but said he thought it would be nice to also plug other movies he liked. He whipped out Donnie Darko and Cinderella. There was another movie in the bunch, but I was a wee bit distracted by a slightly naughty email. Hey, I have my admirers, too, you know! A girl needs to diversify.
Speaking of naughty, David D. started talking about balls. Most of it was related to baseball, but still…
The really freaky thing about it was that he mentioned hot pockets (in baseball). I’d been thinking of Hot Pockets (the food) all day long. I was thinking that you’re like a Hot Pocket. Steamy, tasty, and satisfying, yet somehow creating this incredible desire for more. Don’t ask, just smile and nod and take it as a compliment.
Anyhow, it was right about that time that Sinead O’Connor came out. She was rather sweet, which I found surprising. But she kept playing with her head. There was a weird scar or something on the back of her scalp and I got a serious “ick factor” as she constantly reached back to mess with it.
At that point, I spaced out and went to check email again. Nothing personal, my naughty little pony, but Sinead wasn’t really my cup of tea.
The best thing about that break was I got to exchange some lovely mail with another person who had recently become a fan of yours. Apparently my love letters to you have raised a bit of interest in the Late Late Show.
On that note, I want to say this: anyone not staying up late to watch your show (or taping it to watch later) is missing out on one of the best talk show hosts since Johnny Carson. Perhaps it’s your gentle humor and genuine kindness, but whatever it is, you are the closest thing to Johnny that late night television has ever had. Craig, you to talk with your guests, not to them. You get them to reveal more about themselves in a few minutes than anyone else can. Not even Oprah has that sort of talent (unless it’s Tom Cruise or anyone else she likes to fawn over). It’s a beautiful thing.
I’ll see you tomorrow night, my pet. Keep those sinues moisturized and clear, okay?
Your cheeky wee monkey and naughty little minx,
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson airs Monday through Friday on CBS at 12:30AM, Pacific. Check local listings for times in your area.
Note about the author: Her fascination and adoration of Craig Ferguson is little more than silly fantasy, with a dash of lust, the likes of which are common amongst single 39 year-old women. She lives many miles safely south of Los Angeles and CBS Studios. She also got a brand new bag of sunflower seeds today.