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Confess Your Sins!

You’re a liberal and have a few secret, highly conservative thoughts. You sport a long, grey-ponytail behind your semi-bald head, drive a Volvo, own a beautiful 9mm Glock, once saw the Grateful Dead, but secretly just love the Carpenters.

You’re a hard-core conservative, but harbor a few almost-sexual thoughts about Tom Cruise. You go to church every Sunday, but you’re scared of Ralph Reed, and like to smoke dope and listen to the Sex Pistols.

Now is the time to come forward and confess your sins.

The idea for this thread was sparked by the following exchange in another area.

Notorious Alleged Right-Wing Whack-Job David Flanagan:

->I’m moderate on gun control. Asking people to register weapons is not unconstitutional and must we REALLY allow AK 47s for home defense? I don’t think so! Though, if Maryland had a Conceal Carry law, I’d be the first to sign up.
->I’m very much in support of affirmative action programs. We live in a society where equal access to opportunities and resources does not exist, therefore, we need to adjust for those inequities. I don’t believe in governmental redistribution of wealth, but I do believe in programs that offer incentives to help groups who are currently being underserved.
->Congressional spending is completely out of control. Republicans will lose BIG on this issue unless they change their ways FAST!
->I’m a strong believer in multi-culturalism, though, I’m annoyed with the current mindset that says it’s okay to be anything but Christian.

Thats all for now.




Comments by Notorious Left-Wing Liberal Whack Job SHARK:

“Man, Dave, things apparently ain’t as bad as they seem.

Maybe we should open up a thread were Liberals & Conservatives confess their ‘sins’ relative to their alleged labels.

That could be fun, interesting, informative — initiate some peace — and maybe take us toward a common ground where we could actually start fixing some of the problems facing this nation in the future.

Shark confesses to Conservative Thoughts:

->I think fundamentalist lslamic nations should be force-fed Science Education at the barrel of a gun.

->I think the US borders should be sealed with a giant wall, electrified barbed-wire, and patrolled by the National Guard.

->I think all immigration to the US should be halted.

->I think the government should intervene in the personal sexual lives of Americans by outlawing all breeding and rutting to achieve a zero-population growth level.

->I think we should invade and colonize Mexico in a preemptive war.

->I think we should nuke Israel and Palestine and turn that area into an international sandbox for children of all nationalities.

->(Prior to dropping the Big One, we should offer to give the Jews Arizona and Nevada to the Palestinians. Draft all ghetto residents and their pit-bull pets into an army to patrol the borders of those two states. (Jobs, baby!)

->I think most “psychological” and behavioral afflictions currently categorized as “diseases” should be called what they really are: failure of character and/or lack of self-control.

->I think all psychologists and sociologists should be tried as witches and given appropriate punishment.

->I think responsibility for one’s actions should replace making excuses by posing as a victim of ___ (fill in the blank)

->I’m against abortion because of personal moral principles.

->I would favor a greater level of public exposure to the true principles of Christ, and would like to see more people and institutions hold ‘Christianity’ to those principles.

->I’m okay with guns, but would be willing to outlaw them in traffic.

->Oh yeah, and I fucking HATE Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey.

(I’m sure there’s more!)


C’mon kids, confess your contraditions. Be honest. Let us see your inner pinko. Let loose your right-wing reactionary id. You’ll feel better.

About Mark Shark

  • Mark Saleski

    uh….i own a Lou Rawls record?

  • David Flanagan

    How should we start this? Perhaps something like:

    “Party Fathers (and Mothers) forgive me, for I have sinned. I have dared to assume the I, a mere peasant, know better than thee, our party leaders. I have transgressed from the party ethos in my belief that [LIST YOUR SINS HERE].


    BTW – The whole first line of your post there, absolutely true except for the “notorious” part. I’m working on that one, but not yet there.

  • jack e. jett

    i love gospel music.

    i think ralph reed is cute.

    my straight friends are funnier than my gay friends.

    texas needs more border control.

    the death penalty rocks.

    george w. bush has a cute butt.

    i prefer patti smith over liza minelli.

    jack e. jett

  • Jim Carruthers

    I believe in gun control, but I’ve qualified in 9mm pistol, assault rifle and light machine gun, I was also qualified in demolitions with plastic explosives. I know at least six ways to kill you, including the salmon mousse, but I’m opposed to war.

    No matter what happens in a street fight, win, loose or draw, your glasses will get broken. Which is why I always have an extra pair.

    Welfare mothers make better lovers.

    P.J. O’Rourke just cracks my shit up, while I think Ted Rall is an abusive churl.

    When Michael Moore goes on about how nice Canadians are, I just cringe, because I know I’m just as dumb and crude as my relatives in Michigan, and while I know at some level that not all of the States is like downtown Detroit, well, the first impression is the keeper.

    While I own several musical instruments, I can’t play a single one worth for shit.

    I’ve had impure thoughts about Oprah, and why doesn’t she show more cleavage on her show?

  • Mark Edward Manning

    Wow, Sharkie, you floored me with some of your “conservative” thoughts!

    Well, here we go with my confessions:

    * I once donated part of my paycheck to PETA and the Animal Welfare Institute. (I no longer give to PETA, but still contribute money to the AWI.)

    * I am neither open-borders nor close-the-borders on immigration. I don’t like the laws governing family re-unification which account for much of America’s immigration numbers, but I do think immigration is a healthy, even necessary, thing for any nation.

    * I am very pissed off with Bush for his support for amnesty for illegals. (We can give illegals driving licenses and the right to vote, but we can’t smoke pot — SAY WHAT?)

    * I am comfortable with abortion if a woman has been raped.

    * I believe the government has no right to confiscate drugs or make them illegal.

    * I do think Michael Moore is a funny guy, ignoring his politics.

    * I believe that having the option of euthanasia for the terminally ill should be a legal right.

    And finally …

    * I believe Clinton’s presidency was not all that bad.

  • Eric Olsen

    I am against the death penalty but I am for preemptive war, aggression for the purposes of intimidation, and vigilante acts when the vigilantes agree with my priciples.

  • Mark Saleski

    * i believe in a balanced federal budget

    no, wait…that’s not so in vogue at the moment.

    lemme think some more, i can come up with something.

  • boomcrashbaby

    I favor capitalism over socialism, but I don’t trust capitalism. It’s ruined many things, radio comes to mind.

    I believe in the right to bear arms, but two large dogs have made me never have to bear an arm.

    While I like the idea of everybody getting universal health care, I worry about the efficiency and cost of putting it in the hands of the government. That’s a conservative view. I think the key to universal health care is through the private sector, but it must still remain competitive and not be a monopoly. Our HMO system would need to be completely trashed/overhauled so that the profit didn’t come at the expense of medical care, but we should make healing/being well profitable.

    I am conservative in appearance and behavior. I might speak up against conservative rants here about teens with piercings signifying ‘parental negligance’, because I support self-expression and believe it is not society who should determine which minor is mature enough for a piercing, but that is the parent’s responsibility to determine that, and by default, I would trust their decision. And I might make jokes about hotpants and stuff, but it’s for a point, I’ve never had any. I don’t look or act like what some people here might picture.

    I think both liberals and conservatives spend too much time fighting, accusing, insulting and misrepresenting facts and lose productive ground because of it, and like conservatives, I think liberals should be better than that.

  • Shark

    Manning, sorry I shocked ya. See, bein’ a “liberal” in Texas usually means that you don’t believe in torturing the person before you kill them. (So we sorta skew the ol’ spectrum…)

    Saleski, you can do better than Lou Rawls and a balanced budget. C’mon, man, fess up. Wayne Newton ring a bell?

    But in general:

    Wow. This has become a regular love fest, although I think Carruthers and Eric both showed they’re qualified to be locked up by a posse containing all of us.

    More! More!

  • Eric Olsen

    I am left-handed but I ride a bike with my right hand. I can’t throw a ball, but I can throw a Frisbee with my right hand.

    I believe I am smarter than stupid people.

    I am friendly and slow to anger, but I have a very bad temper once I get pissed. I get into an average of one physical fight per decade.

  • Eric Olsen

    I hate mobs but I love crowds

  • Justene

    Since I oppose abortion under all circumstances, I will be considered a conservative no matter what. Here are my non-party line positions:

    I am against the death penalty.

    I support gay marriage, but frankly am working up a coherent argument for outlawing all civil marriage, making only a legally binding non-business partnership, grandfathering in current marriages and doing away with civil marriage over a couple of generations.

    I support drug legalization.

    I am in favor of open borders.

    I really don’t care one way or another about gun control or gun rights.

    In the spirit of Eric’s reply, I am right-handed but I tie my shoes left-handed. I never knew there was a left-handed way to tie shoes until someone watched me utterly fail to teach my right-handed daughters how to tie them.

  • Jim Carruthers

    Handed-ness, now, that totally fucked me up. I don’t even know what hand I tie my shoes with, since I use both hands. And I tried to think about tying my shoes, and couldn’t do it. Nothing like trying to think about an activity to completely screw it up.

    So, since I’m right-handed, and I start the knot with my right hand, I guess I’m a right-handed shoe tier.

    But I wank left-handed, go figure.

  • Dirtgrain

    Even though I haven’t been in a hate-filled fistfight since high school (accepting drunken brawls with friends), I still have the urge bash faces and have my face bashed. Is there a real Fight Club out there?

    While I don’t support war, I am a deadly martial artist who has mastered the following: Silum Hangar Kung Fu, Ninjitsu, Aikido, Judo, Jujitsu (traditional and Gracie-style), Tae Kwon Do, Karate (“Who knows karate better than Japanese?” Chuck Norris and Dirtgrain), Wei Chi Ru, Muay Thai (including Thai-Bo, of course), Okinawan Weaponry, Wu-Tang, Wing Chun, the five deadly venoms (Snake, Scorpion, Lizard, Centipede and Toad ), Jeet Kun Do, Capoeira, Five Fingers of Death, the Flying Guillotine, Iron Monkey, Thunder Kicks, Dim Mak (death touch), Praying Mantis Kung Fu, Shaolin, Drunken Kung Fu, Rumsfeld Fighting Technique, Tai Chi Chuan (I have enormous chi, baby), Quart of Blood Technique, Shaolin Head Lock, Bushidokan, Choy Li Fut, Sum Dum Guy, Buddha Fist, Cow Punch, Gymkata, Eskrima, Eczema, Indiana Jones Whip Style, Sumo, The Crane, Yoda Jump Technique, Real Ultimate Power, Chinese Boxing, and every style studied by Inspector Clouseau and Kato. . . and Wonder Woman, admittedly. But in a pinch, I’m a damn fast runner.

    Anne Coulter. . . I’d do her.

    I was on the Ann Arbor Pioneer High School Rifle Team.

    Al, for the last time, I don’t like pink.

    Wimpy attitudes and personalities annoy me. If you have a wimpy body, that’s okay. But don’t act like a submissive wimp, please (I hate the wimpy-evil-Iago-like guy from The Chinese Connection).

    I say, “girlie man” now and then.

    While I have never called a woman the c-word to her face, I have used the word freely with my Scottish friend Willie.

    I attended an FBI job convention, considering putting in an application (gave up on it when I found out the X-Files don’t really exist).

    Something about French culture irritates me.

    I have never read The Communist Manifesto.

    I believe in the saying, “Kids these days. . .”

    I watch Walker, Texas Ranger all of the time. I even changed the theme song lyrics so that it fits the classroom, replacing “ranger” with “teacher”:

      In the eyes of the teacher, the unsuspecting student, had better know the truth of wrong from right. Because the eyes of the teacher are upon you. Any wrong you do he’s gonna see. When you’re in the classroom look behind you. Because that’s where the teacher’s gonna be.

    And I desperately want to save a damsel in distress–maybe Anne Coulter.

  • Jim Carruthers

    I can just see it now:

    Jerry Bruckheimer presents a Newline Release, starring Dirtgrain, Anne Coulter and featuring Ashley (may or may not contain some portions of Mary-Kate) Olsen in “The Crying Game USA #1″

  • Jim Carruthers

    I forgot to add:

    ’cause, dude, when you slide your hand up her skirt, that weiner ain’t singing the Oscar Meyer song.

    Meanwhile Ashley is just shocked you didn’t know in the first place.

  • Shark

    Dirt: “…I am a deadly martial artist who has mastered the following…”

    Um, Dirtgrain, you forgot to mention massive doses of methamphetamine.

  • Dirtgrain

    I can see myself puking after making out with Coulter–and feeling all cheap and disgusting. I did not know about her dingaling when I said I would do her. As for what lies beneath, I’m thinking one would be more likely to find this.

    In regards to the Coulter and Walker, Texas Ranger references, I apologize for objectifying women (or whatever Coulter is) and offending Native Americans.

    Sifu said I can’t do methamphetamine–it gets my chi all out of balance.

    Back to confessional. I once got in a fight in elementary school with Jimmy “Zervo” because he said that Reagan was better than Carter (it might not sound against-label, but you must realize that Democrats don’t fight for their candidates–maybe that is why I’m not a Democrat anymore).

    I don’t always believe James Carville.

    No matter how hard I try, I can’t find Margaritaville.

    Bush can’t be all bad–he signed the “Do Not Call” bill.

    And reason number one of the top ten reasons never to read a comment from Dirtgrain: I used to look up to Henry Kissinger.

    Don’t blame me–Shark opened this can of worms.

  • bhw

    I am a lefty liberal, but….

    I’ve developed a dislike of teacher unions and the federal department of education. The way I see it, even the good public schools are headed for the toilet now because of too much beaurocracy and NCLB. I’m starting to favor more local control of schools, and less state and federal intrusion.

    I don’t like hunting, even though I think it should be legal — but only on private property. With that in mind, I reserve the right to bludgeon any wild critter that crosses my threshold.

    I love watching professional sports (Eli Manning better be worth the dough) and will watch damn near anything with a ball, but I hate the way sports are taken so seriously and competitively by kids, high schools, and colleges. If I hear about one more kid spending the summer in basketball, soccer, whatever camp, I’m gonna scream.

    I’m right-handed but shoot pool leftie. I didn’t know that until a few years ago. I have no idea whether I tie shoes left-handed or right-handed. I buy my kids slip-ons or shoes with velcro instead of laces. Maybe I’ll never have to teach them to tie!

    And strangely, my left breast is noticeably more “conservative” than my right breast. Always has been.

  • JR

    Justene: I never knew there was a left-handed way to tie shoes until someone watched me utterly fail to teach my right-handed daughters how to tie them.

    Does this have something to do with which finger you use to hold the initial weave while you make the second loop?

  • Eric Olsen

    I am skeptical about claims of “handedness” regarding actions THAT REQUIRE BOTH HANDS: playing guitar, tying one’s shoes, choking people, etc

  • bhw

    But there are certain one-handed activities that I wouldn’t mind knowing the details of.

  • Justene

    Does this have something to do with which finger you use to hold the initial weave while you make the second loop?

    Yes. It also has to do with the direction in which you loop.

    I’ll try to ignore that Eric doubts my claim. In shoe tying, one hand holds and the other does most of the action. When Eric switches hands and tried to tie shoes the other way, we’l discuss my veracity.

    I also bat lefty. RH and LH batters are pretty established yet both hands are on the bat in pretty much the same place.

    I used to golf lefty but it didn’t work. I find that I what I really like is to putt lefty and drive righty, but that quickly becomes unmanageable. So I golf righthanded. And suck at it.

    And to really throw foolishness into it, I drink coffee lefthanded. One very kind person noticed it and bought me a lefthanded mug with the picture on the other side. I always wondered why they never put the pictures on mugs on the side I could see them. I never realized it was because I held the mug differently.

  • bhw

    I would also like Eric to try choking someone to test his theory on that. Or maybe he actually needs to choke two people.

  • JR

    I would also like Eric to try choking someone to test his theory on that. Or maybe he actually needs to choke two people.

    I’m guessing the one on the left will die first. No doubt he will then be accused of political bias.

  • Mark Saleski

    i golf righty.

    …but i break the clubs over my knee lefty.

  • Eric Olsen

    yes, batting requires two hands, but the top hand leads and directs, the other hand is along for the ride

    I just tied my shoes reversing hands with only minor discomfort, but remember, I can throw a Frisbee right-handed. But okay, I concede handedness to these activites.

    The reason I mentioned guitar, shoe-tying, choking, is that these require more or less equally complex actions from each hand. With batting, one hand is clearly in the lead.

  • bhw

    Okay, stop! I was just teasing you about the choking experiment. No need to test the theory!

  • Eric Olsen

    choking is for pussies anyway

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    Whadda ’bout chicken chokin’?????

  • JR

    The reason I mentioned guitar, shoe-tying, choking, is that these require more or less equally complex actions from each hand.

    While fretting clearly takes more strength, picking seems to be a more intricate operation, hence “right-handed” guitars.

    Although, there are lefties who play right handed – Rik Emmett, for example.

  • Eric Olsen

    I would say chording is as complex as picking and strumming

    is there a handedness to drumming?

  • Justene

    I have a vague recollection that there is a handedness to drumming, illustrated by what side the cymbals are set up on. Now that we have totally hijacked SHark’s confess your sins thread.

  • JR

    Ian Paice is a left-handed drummer. If you scroll through the pictures, you see that his hi-hat is on his right side, his floor toms are on his left side. Usually it’s the other way around.