There is much I miss about college, and much I don’t. Strangely enough, one of those co-ed experiences falls in both categories: the interaction between feminists and heterosexual males. One side is equipped with passion and sincerity. The other group carries nothing but a satchel of wit. Neither has what the other possesses, and the end product is glorious.
(This probably needs prefacing: women deserve equal rights, equal respect, and equal pay. Not all feminists are identical, and a handful of them are bright, open-minded, intelligent beings – some of whom I’d probably ask out on a date if given the chance.)
While my time on campus is long gone, the perpetual battle continues at Colorado College. A clan of men satirized a feminist campus newsletter, The Monthly Rag, with a dude-like pamphlet of their own, The Monthly Bag.
Wherein The Rag discussed topics like male castration, carrying dildos, and an advertisement to hear a lecture on “feminist porn,” The Bag gave the campus insight on glass-ceiling myths, the wheelbarrow sex position, and a factoid on sniper rifles. Because of that last item, all copies of The Bag were confiscated by CC administrators for being “a threat” to the campus.
Okay, with the Northern Illinois and Virginia Tech shootings fresh in the world’s cerebrum, co-eds publishing sniper rifle trivia could result in oversensitive jurisdiction. That makes some sense. (Although, if that’s true, then jeez, let’s disband those NCAA rifle teams.)
However, that was not the gambit CC administration used. The school’s VP of student life, Mike Edmonds, focused on “the juxtaposition of weaponry and sexuality” as the reason for going balls out and sacking The Bag – because when it comes to sex and violence, there’s a vas deferens between the two.
The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE) — think ACLU of collegiate free speech — is now defending the kids with the reasoning of (loosely paraphrased), “Well, the women’s flier mentions male castration AND carrying dildos and talking about feminist porn. How is that not the same?”
Because it’s not. (I’m just disagreeing with everyone in sight, if you haven’t noticed. Even you, the reader. You’re just wrong about everything. The way you wear your hat? Your taste in music? All. Wrong.)
The context of male castration appeared in The Rag‘s retelling of a male myth called Vagina dentata, or “toothed vagina,” wherein men were told not to have sex with strange women for fear of male castration. While this fable could have saved me from insanity stemming from women I dated in college, anyone with pictures of a loaded gun and a toothy vagina know they possess contrasting qualities. For one, a loaded gun exists.
The two concepts are not the same, because the two sexes aren’t the same. This is the crux most feminist manifestos (and the ruling of Colorado College educators) seem to forget. Equality is a great ideal, but look in each other’s pants once in a while and you’ll find different stuff.
Look in their medicine cabinets. Look at a freakin’ amazing tale of Roger and Elaine. Feminists like to talk about strap-ons, what it means to be a bitch, and castration. Tucker Max-caliber dudes enjoy enlightened discussions of chainsaws, guns, and tits. Welcome to the human condition.
The Bag‘s editors were found to have violated the University’s conduct code, and the penalty was equally oversensitive. They had to — Christ, I cringe what I’m about to cut and paste — “host a public forum on the issues raised in the incident.” No suspension, or demerit, or prior restraint on future installments of The Monthly Bag. Simply force them to tell people what happened?
What the administration doesn’t realize, however, is that this open discussion will be populated by feminists and chauvinists. There’s no way this could possibly end well, which is why I terribly miss college so I could attend things like this and diffuse feminist doctrine with actual jokes – and maybe score a date.