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College Humor Television Causes Cancer

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I have to state a couple of things before you read today’s article. First, I have nothing against College Humor or Judah Friedlander. There is no rivalry between College Humor Television and The Brandon Show. We are, for now anyway, so small on their radar screen that it is not even a contest. If anything, College Humor has helped us out from time to time by linking to our articles. But I have to say, I hated the first episode of their new television show. Maybe I just had high expectations for a company with a major motion picture deal, or maybe I’m just being a jerk; you decide.

Dear College Humor Television,

I was surfing through your site to do some research on what passes for college entertainment for my Senior Seminar project. After trying to force a smile at College Humor’s April Fools joke this year, I clicked on the CHTV logo to see the first episode of the site’s TV show. I’m not an expert on college television, but I’d like to think I know a thing or two about what is funny, and what makes people want to play with a sheet of metal during a thunderstorm. I can say without any shred of doubt, CHTV is the latter.

The fact that College Humor has a developmental deal with SONY Pictures makes me want to cut my wrists, and hope I survive long enough to cut them again. Here is what is wrong with CHTV. First, your host looks like Captain Emo. When I see him, I see the face of Dashboard Confessional fans. And studies have shown being exposed to people who like Dashboard or other “fine” emo music leads to the Ebola virus, another highly contagious disease that, like emo music, makes people vomit in-between wild fits of fever and crying in the corner.

Man-on-the-street segments don’t work for Jay Leno or David Letterman; they’re not going to work for you. And oh yeah, way to be “hip and edgy” by asking people when was the last time they got “laid.” Like we haven’t heard that one on the National Lampoon Network or any HBO special involving regular people. The Black Eyed Peas joke made me want to piss myself. Not because it was funny, but because the filth I would be swimming in would be more entertaining than the excrement I was watching on your show. A college student in New York City is as far as you can get from the portrayal of the “average” college student, who you claimed to be reaching in your man on the street segment. There is nothing wrong with college students from New York City, but all because you were too lazy to film the segment elsewhere doesn’t give you the right to advertise you were reaching out to the “average” college student.

The rejected video segment and random “fact” segments were terrible. The facts weren’t even funny. College students don’t care about the lottery, and the Super Mario Brothers joke died before it even left the host’s mouth. I realize Ebaum’s World has a TV deal with USA Network to do pretty much what you just did with showing rejected clips, but just because they’re doing it doesn’t mean you should. Are you seriously that desperate for something to rip off? If you are, I recommend just about anything on Comedy Central because Comedy Central is about as funny as a September 11th movie.

Hey, do you know any funny fart jokes? Why don’t you work some of those in there? You can ask Judah Friedlander to write some “funny” jokes for you. His segment was so funny, I was hoping a doctor would come in and tell me I had cancer of the eye and my brain made up Judah Friedlander to give me a reason not to prolong death. I don’t know how he gets work but, like him, I hope your show never reproduces. The last thing we need is another “edgy” college television show that just makes us look like a bunch of white, quasi-retarded men and women who suffer from alcoholism, slack off, and sleep around. Thanks. At least when I don’t get hired for a job after I graduate, I’ll know whom to blame.

Sincerely,

Brandon J. Mendelson

About Brandon J. Mendelson

  • http://www.collegehumor.com/ Jakob Lodwick

    Dear Brandon,

    Thank you for promoting CHTV and our book on your website!

    Jakob Lodwick