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College Football Recruiting Phrases

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Recruiting brings out the best and worst in college football. I’ll try to focus on the latter because ESPN hypes the recruiting process as if it were a coronation ceremony. Thus, in order to lift the IQ of the average fan, here is a list of phrases you’ll hear in the next two weeks with their true meaning listed for your edification:

•He’s headed to a Prep School: Prospect didn’t go to class or, if attending, he assumed Algebra was a protégé of Jay-Z.
•He’s a man among boys: His real age is closer to Warren Sapp’s. Repeated fourth grade so often the school district named a wing of the school in his honor.
•He transitions well to the college level: Futile statement; why recruit someone who doesn’t transition well to college football.
•This kid is all about heart: Dad’s a coach or booster.
•Can’t miss at the next level: In a couple of years he’ll be working at Denny’s.
•He could end up anywhere: This means the kid has yet to receive enough money from a school so he’s holding out for Reggie Bush money.
•He’s a solid verbal commitment for (insert school): He’ll change his mind each time a recruiter from a different school calls.
•He’s a soft verbal commitment for (insert school): He’ll change his before a recruiter calls.
•He has a solid family: Father left when the recruit was two and mother is currently the town drunk with the town being New York.
•He had one off the field incident: Gunned down eight people in a dispute over an X-Box.
•He’s a workout freak: Doesn’t go to class.
•His Dad’s involved in the recruiting process: Poor kid is subjected to his father’s lifelong dream. Will end up like Todd Marinovich.

•Has enjoyed the recruiting process: The money and women really made an impression.
•Has many admirers around town: He sired 12 kids his senior year.
•Has passion for the game: Willing to ingest steroids.
•A student of the game: Plays Madden 2007 daily.
•This guy is a project and, according to our recruiting experts, he will need a few years to flourish: He’ll be a Freshman All-American.
•A Receiver with athletic ability: Can’t catch the ball.
•A Receiver with great hands: Runs a 10.2 forty yard dash.
•He can plug a gap: Obese.
•He needs to get into the strength program: Anorexic.
•His high school coach is excited to see (insert player) move to the next level: Kid drove coach nuts.
•His High School coach hates to see him go: No more state championships.
•His Dad played in the Pro’s: Kid just met him last week.
•Wants to stay close to home: Mom refuses to let him get away.
•Wants to leave the West Coast to play on the East Coast: Wants to get far away from Mom.

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