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College Football Recruiting Phrases

Recruiting brings out the best and worst in college football. I’ll try to focus on the latter because ESPN hypes the recruiting process as if it were a coronation ceremony. Thus, in order to lift the IQ of the average fan, here is a list of phrases you’ll hear in the next two weeks with their true meaning listed for your edification:

•He’s headed to a Prep School: Prospect didn’t go to class or, if attending, he assumed Algebra was a protégé of Jay-Z.
•He’s a man among boys: His real age is closer to Warren Sapp’s. Repeated fourth grade so often the school district named a wing of the school in his honor.
•He transitions well to the college level: Futile statement; why recruit someone who doesn’t transition well to college football.
•This kid is all about heart: Dad’s a coach or booster.
•Can’t miss at the next level: In a couple of years he’ll be working at Denny’s.
•He could end up anywhere: This means the kid has yet to receive enough money from a school so he’s holding out for Reggie Bush money.
•He’s a solid verbal commitment for (insert school): He’ll change his mind each time a recruiter from a different school calls.
•He’s a soft verbal commitment for (insert school): He’ll change his before a recruiter calls.
•He has a solid family: Father left when the recruit was two and mother is currently the town drunk with the town being New York.
•He had one off the field incident: Gunned down eight people in a dispute over an X-Box.
•He’s a workout freak: Doesn’t go to class.
•His Dad’s involved in the recruiting process: Poor kid is subjected to his father’s lifelong dream. Will end up like Todd Marinovich.
•Has enjoyed the recruiting process: The money and women really made an impression.
•Has many admirers around town: He sired 12 kids his senior year.
•Has passion for the game: Willing to ingest steroids.
•A student of the game: Plays Madden 2007 daily.
•This guy is a project and, according to our recruiting experts, he will need a few years to flourish: He’ll be a Freshman All-American.
•A Receiver with athletic ability: Can’t catch the ball.
•A Receiver with great hands: Runs a 10.2 forty yard dash.
•He can plug a gap: Obese.
•He needs to get into the strength program: Anorexic.
•His high school coach is excited to see (insert player) move to the next level: Kid drove coach nuts.
•His High School coach hates to see him go: No more state championships.
•His Dad played in the Pro’s: Kid just met him last week.
•Wants to stay close to home: Mom refuses to let him get away.
•Wants to leave the West Coast to play on the East Coast: Wants to get far away from Mom.

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