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Cleveland Browns Get A “B” For Bodacious (Like, Totally!)

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So it seems what was once “old” is new again: The Cleveland Browns are reinvented, rebuilt, and rejuvenated in the AFC North – like a shadow of their former selves once known (formerly and fondly) as “The Kardiac Kids” from the 1980’s.

And not since Grace Jones squeezed Roger Moore between her thighs in A View To A Kill have I been more intrigued, quite frankly. Regardless, just like “Zorin” (Christopher Walken) cheering from the sidelines: I like to watch.

Hey, let’s give these hip-hop Cleveland Brownies their kudos: They now have some major “street cred” once again in the NFL (thanks mostly to their high-flying offense – and a guy named Joshua Cribbs). But just like Harmony Smurf warning the proverbial village about the dangers of wizards not named “Harry Potter” – or contracting STD‘s from Strawberry Shortcake (that tart): Browns’ fans still need to proceed with caution.

So take down that “Brady on Board” sign from the back of your K-car, okay? Derek Anderson is the man with the plan now – along with “Bodacious” Braylon Edwards (I called it!), Kellen Winslow Jr. and Joe Jurevicius (with Jamal Lewis running strong out in front of the brown and orange herd).

Much like a box of Gallo fine wine, I guess, Brady Quinn just needs time to chill.

Still, reminiscent of a ColecoVision left under the tree on Christmas morning, the defense of the Browns leaves something to be desired, no doubt (My old Stretch Armstrong doll – action figure, I meant action figure! – has been pulled thinner than the Browns‘ somewhat-struggling backfield at times, to be sure).

That being said, it’s not all “doom and gloom” here in C-Town either.

Cleveland has beat some good (but not great) teams in the meantime – but (“Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over”) there is still a lot of work left to be done by Romeo Crennel’s not-so-crowded defensive house. No mystery here, Angela Lansbury (So hey, mainstream media, put away those orthopedic sleuthing shoes of yours, you meddling old busybodies, and get a Clue: It‘s Mr. Cribbs …with the punt return …in the end zone!).

These Cleveland Browns of 2007 are “for real” to say the least. Are they the fabled “Kardiac Kids” of 1980? Nope. Are these Brownies the same team led by Bernie Kosar and Marty Schottenheimer (whatever happened to him?) of the same decade? Certainly not. Are these Cleveland Browns along the lines of Bill Belichick’s frustrating frat pack when he was in-training here at “Hogwarts” from the early ‘90’s? Hush your Pop Rock’s chewing-mouth, child!

No, I’m not suffering from “Pac-Man Fever” people: These Brownies are unique and their own team-in-the-making as they continue to mystify the masses here in “new Cleveland."  And like many rabid, bone-waving, fans on the shores of the rock ‘n roll city – we are simply “Hungry Like The Wolf.”

These current crop of Browns are the “Cardio Kickboxing Kids” – and we (here in Cleveland) are loving every minute of it! So take those Silver Spoons out of your collective mouth (you national media snobs), hop on board Ricky Schroeder’s toy locomotive, and enjoy the moment. We can always “grow up” tomorrow…

So what have we learned today from this ABC Afterschool Special, folks? Well, it appears indeed what was once old is new again in Browns Town: Cleveland has a football team it can be proud of, Dennis Kucinich is still holding on to the bottom rung of infamy (but who isn‘t?) and local-hero turned broadcaster, Bernie Kosar (as well as the rest of us, I guess) is still partying like it’s 1989! Who knew?

About Chris McVetta

Chris McVetta is a writer and comedian from Cleveland, Ohio. He is a graduate from Cleveland State University and an alumni of The Second City comedy writing program. His first job in journalism was as an Editorial Assistant working with Harvey Pekar ("American Splendor") at The Free Times. Most recently, his was invited to speak at the Ray Browne conference on Pop Culture at Bowling Green State University.
  • Matthew T. Sussman

    Now imagine if they had used the second first-round draft pick on something they coulda used.

  • Grace Jones’ Butch Cut

    ya know, take out the 2-3 ubiquitous pop culture references per paragraph in this story, and you’d get yer point across in under 100 words. ever heard of beating a writing convention to death?

  • chris mcvetta

    I forgot to mention that Jack Del Rio and the Jacksonville Jaguars are most likely the one thing standing in the way of the Brownies getting a wildcard berth – I concede the division to the Steelers.

    “His name is Rio and he dances on my plan. Just like that burning river twisting, through a rusty land…”

  • RJ

    Very creative. Thanks.

  • RJ

    “I forgot to mention that Jack Del Rio and the Jacksonville Jaguars are most likely the one thing standing in the way of the Brownies getting a wildcard berth – I concede the division to the Steelers.”

    If the season ended today:


    AFC NORTH WINNER – Steelers



    WILD CARD #1 – Jaguars

    WILD CARD #2 – Browns

    The only team close to the Browns at this point is Tennessee…and they have lost three in a row.

    Cleveland’s remaining games:

    At Arizona (tough, but winnable)
    At New York Jets (easily winnable)
    Home against Buffalo (tough, but winnable)
    At Cincinnati (tough, but winnable)
    Home against San Francisco (easily winnable)

    With that schedule, I think 11-5 (maybe 10-6) is likely. And 11-5 is certainly good enough for a Wild Card spot. 10-6 is probably good enough, too.

    Have faith! :-)

  • Matthew T. Sussman

    “At Arizona (tough, but winnable)”


    “At New York Jets (easily winnable)”

    Tell that to Pittsburgh.

  • RJ

    “At Arizona (tough, but winnable)”


    Actually, this is the game I think they are most likely to lose. But a Browns victory is certainly not out of the question.

    “At New York Jets (easily winnable)”

    Tell that to Pittsburgh.

    A fluke. The Jets suck.

  • Darryll

    Pathetic blog. I wanted to read about the Browns, not your annoying Pop Culture references. Got a headache and stopped after 3rd par. 2nd sentence. Harmony Smurf….blah blah blah.

  • chris mcvetta

    RJ, good assessment on the Browns remaining schedule – all games (on paper) are winnable, but that does not make them “easy.” I think the Titans were in the race, too – but have self-destructed since. I think the Browns need to win at least 4 of their 5 last games to grab that wildcard spot away from the Jaguars (or anyone else to be safe), but we’ll see. I’m with you on the Arizona game – the Browns need to get to Kurt Warner and knock him around to keep him from passing for 400 yards on them.

    Thanks for doing the actual “legwork” to back up my pop culture ramblings! ;-0

    Suss, you just won’t let that Brady Quinn thing go, will you? I still like that pick, despite the surprising success of Derek Anderson. That’s an easy thing to say NOW if you live in a “Crystal Ball World”… but who honestly thought that either Frye or Anderson were the answer in Cleveland? Or, more importantly, that Derek Anderson would be THIS good? NOBODY! It’s a great problem to have (2 good quarterbacks) – just ask the Jets or the Panthers (as they shuffle their QB’s on a weekly basis!)

    Yeah, I know, Quinn could be bad as a pro, but now we have the luxury to keep waiting to find out as long as we keep on winning – Offensive line is important, sure, but I still believe your team is screwed if you do not have a quality quarterback (or two) – again, just ask the Jets (or the Falcons, or the Dolphins).

    I still like that pick! I like it better than the Dolphins using THEIR #1 pick (9th overall) …on a really good punt returner (Ours, Josh Cribbs, was an undrafted free agent!).

    Sure, my blog maybe be pathetic, heavy-handed and chock full of “suckitude” …but, golly, just look at the lively discussion it has generated about the Browns! Ah, my beautiful Godzilla, you have done your job well, my pet…

  • Igor’s Hunch

    Chris, is this your Ishtar? ‘Cause it feels more like a Hudson Hawk to me!!

    The 80′s were the age of EXCESS, were they not? Rock on DUDE!!