Several of our fellow neighbors and taxpaying objectors have gotten themselves into a medical tizzy, or as the laymen call it, "a fit involving shit."
You see, there's a provision in the new health care bill wherein everyone must buy health insurance starting in 2014 lest they incur penalties which could cost more than the premiums themselves. Never before has our government forced people to purchase a product or service. Granted, not everyone is required to do this (there are some exceptions for poor people), but several concerned and healthy citizens are taken aback by this sudden demand.
Which is why I'm proud to announce my new partnership as a spokesperson for Red Nostril Insurance.
Red Nostril is the nation's foremost affordable health insurance provider. Our top priority is customer service and patient care. At RN Insurance, our customers come first because they are also people with feelings and olfactory nerves. We understand you are on a budget, and you are probably as healthy as a happy little otter, so that's why our prices are low to meet the needs of today's go-get-em individual. For just 98 cents a month you'll get the health insurance that's not only reliable and trustworthy, but also federally mandated.
There is one stipulation: Red Nostril Insurance only covers nosebleeds.
However, nosebleeds are no laughing matter. Known clinically as epistaxis, they can occur to anyone at any time, usually at the most inopportune moments such as conference calls, bridal showers, and rhinoplasty procedures.
As a customer of Red Nostril Insurance, when you call our toll-free hotline we will send you an envelope through registered mail complete with a set of cotton balls and two disposable tissues so you can mop up that unsightly blood and plug the leak. That's pretty much all we do. But this is something our competitors don't do.
We won't deny you if you have a preexisting condition. (Even though we'd like to.) If you've had nosebleeds in the past, or are currently suffering from one, you cannot be turned down.
Sign up now and you'll receive our complimentary pamphlets, "Stop Pickin' It: Nosebleed Preventiveness And You" and "So You're Bleeding Profusely: Relax, Your Body Can Make More."
Remember, at Red Nostril Insurance, our motto is: Laugh… or I'll blow your lips off!™ Because there's nothing in the bill that says we can't steal movie taglines.