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Cinematic Shocker: Horror Flicks Real

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Heretofore unknown top-secret government agency, code named “Hombres en Negro,” revealed today that all horror and sci-fi films are either documentaries or “darned accurate recreations,” according to a spokesman identified only as “L.”

“In keeping with the current administration’s open-book policy,” he declared to gasps from the crowd of assembled reporters, “we have decided to reveal that all horror and sci-fi films ever made are real. Your zombies, flesh-eating aliens seeking world domination, malevolent spirits, blood-sucking vampires, mutant woodland creatures, Freddy, Jason, invisible men, head-boring flying orbs – real, all too, too real,” he sighed.

“We’ve had our hands full since that Dr. Caligari and his damned cabinet in 1919,” he huffed.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? Even Van Helsing??,” shouted incredulous scribes.

“Even Van Helsing, I’m afraid, with those gooey vampire spawn pods dripping all over the damn place – that was one mighty mess to clean up, I can assure you!”

The X-Files?”

“The movie, not the series,” L chuckled.

War of the Worlds?”

“Of course – the ‘simulated’ report was true, true, truesky! Thank God (he’s real too, by the way, and Satan) for our bacteria! Those Martian bastards never knew what him ‘em!

“Hey, look at the time – gotta go help Spielberg finish up the new one!”

Their world-views shattered, stunned members of the press stared blankly off into the distance.

About Eric Olsen

  • http://w6daily.winn.com/ Phillip Winn

    “the movie, not the series” — very nice touch. :-)

  • Eric Olsen

    thanks!

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    i knew it! i knew those tomatoes were real! Mind you, i still have my doubts about George Clooney.

  • Eric Olsen

    Tomatoes and George Clooney are the least of our concerns!

  • http://paperfrigate.blogspot.com DrPat

    Listen, lemme tell you – doesn’t matter what that “L” tells you~~~~~ They

    LIVE!

    I know Phillip will dismiss this out of hand, and “FBI plant” Nalle will be here in a minute~~~~ so get

    your glasses and vinegar spray ready, boys..

  • Eric Olsen

    thanks Tristan

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    i just hope it turns out that Elastigirl from The Incredibles is real also.

  • Eric Olsen

    only if you stretch the truth

  • http://w6daily.winn.com/ Phillip Winn

    I’m skeptical about many things, but I do believe in killer tomatoes. After all, that guy with the parachute survived the ordeal and later became the the governor of California. Or was it the mayor of San Diego? Some thankless political job, anyway.

  • Eric Olsen

    haven’t even mentioned about when the Killer Tomatoes met the Killer Klowns

  • http://www.templestark.com Temple Stark

    In a strange twist, Will Smith tried to warn everyone of this back in 1994 with “Nightmare On My Street.’ If you’d listened then. …

    Now I have a story that I’d like to tell
    About this guy you all know he had me scared as hell
    He comes to me at night after I crawl into bed
    He’s burnt up like a weenie and his name is Fred
    He wears the same hat and sweater every single day
    And even if it’s hot outside he wears it anyway
    He’s home when I’m awake but he shows up when I sleep
    I can’t believe that there’s a nightmare on my street

  • Eric Olsen

    more bizarre still given who Smith was to become!!

  • http://www.templestark.com Temple Stark

    THAT’S what I’m saying – downright freaky. When it comes to monster knowledge, kids ARE smarter than adults. They know. Just ask ‘em.