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Chicago Bears vs. Denver Broncos: Or, Why No One Pities Jennifer Aniston Anymore

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"Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know."
Twelfth Night

And so we find ourselves in the highly coincidental Act 3 convergence of former lovers with the spurned (or spurnee, depending on whose press releases you prefer) in the arms of his new fling. He can't stop telling everyone just how much more passionate she is or how she can take him places he never could with the old team (like the Super Bowl).

Denver Broncos fans didn't bother with feigned indifference or faux happiness for their ex; they gave Jay Cutler the ol' Colorado What-For Sunday night in the allegedly pivotal third preseason game at Invesco Field.  "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/Nor hell a fury like a sports fan who has not been placated by constant affirmation of their self-worth by their local sports franchise and its current employees."  (Sorry, William Congreve; it's the 21st Century now and our misogynies are far more subtle.)

However, Cutler completed the football equivalent of rounding second base on his way to third with his new chick at the bar in front of the old one by going 15-21, 144 yds, 1 TD and then topped it off with an extended interview on national television in the second half that showed remarkably more poise and polish than any other public moment for Cutler in 2009.  (Okay, our misogynies are only slightly more subtle these days.)

For all of the bile directed at Cutler, though, relatively little of the blame seems to fall at the cleats of the Chicago Bears even though they were the mate poachers who done took off with Denver's man and then trotted him around town like they owned the place (which they did Sunday night in a 27-17 win).

As stated by the originator of the phrase:

Mate poachers use an array of tactics to implement their strategy, ranging from derogating the partner (e.g., “She’s not good enough for you; you deserve someone who treats you better . . . like me”) to showcasing desirable qualities that the current mate lacks. Some mate poachers just want sex. Some want commitment.

 The Chicago Bears saw the Tony Stewart chin-a-like across the bar having a fuss with his girlfriend and sauntered over while she was in the loo to tell Jay that they could line up a threesome with Orlando Pace to protect his blind side (if you know what we mean) if he wanted and didn't he know that Josh McRoberts was saving himself for the next Broncos incarnation and had he met Matt Forte yet?

(In this analogy, Kyle Orton is probably Billy Bob Thornton.)

Yet Chicago holds no culpability for the events of last spring because we expect that from our sports teams.  After all…

Modern women have inherited the sexual psychology of their successful ancestral mothers. They carry with them an attraction for men who have demonstrated an ability to attract other women.

It's one thing to draft the boy of your dreams when he's too young to know better; it's quite another to know you beat out someone else for the prize.

Of course, there's no telling just how much of the shine on Cutler's actions on and off the field will tarnish once the Bears find out just what kind of commitment Cutler himself wants in roughly one year; his contract is structured to be renegotiated after the 2010 season, which means you can safely circle next July as the next round of "Poaching a Franchise Quarterback".

Fair is my love, but not so fair as fickle.
The Passionate Pilgrim

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  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Denver then woke up hungover and found Chris Simms lying on her roster.

  • Brad Pitt

    Is this Jennifer Anniston Cutler’s girlfriend? How do I get to meet her?