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CHENEY CLAIMS “DEAD WILL RISE” IF BUSH WINS SECOND TERM.

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COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–In an obvious effort to out-hype Senator John Edwards, who Wednesday claimed that if John Kerry wins the election, crippled people like Christopher Reeve will get out of their wheelchairs and walk again, Vice President Cheney today claimed that if President Bush is reelected, dead people, including Christopher Reeve, will get out of their graves and walk again.

“The President has a direct line to the Almighty,” said Cheney, “and he has been assured that should he win a second term, the Lord God Himself will resurrect Christopher Reeve as a sign of His approval.”

Edwards made his claim a day after the death of actor/activist Christopher Reeve, who was paralyzed in a 1995 horse-jumping accident, citing scientists’ belief that further stem cell research could lead to “miracle” cures for paralysis and a host of of other diseases.

As an homage to Christ’s resurrection, Cheney waited three days before claiming that God would resurrect Christopher Reeve and all other dead people. His announcement was made after lengthy closed-door consultations with a hand-picked panel of theologians, televangelists and faith healers, who believe that if our scientists forego stem cell research and focus instead on the healing power of Christ, including prayer circles and the laying on of hands, God will reward us by reuniting American citizens with the reanimated corpses of their loved ones.

After giving the zombies a brief furlough to visit their families, Cheney said the President will call up the dearly departed to form an unbeatable zombie army.

“Make no mistake about it,” said Cheney. “A zombie army is crucial to winning the war against terror. There isn’t a country in the world that can stand up to it. Zombies are a very powerful force. They don’t get tired, they don’t need sleep and they don’t eat, except the living flesh of our enemies.”

However, Cheney was quick to point out that an invincible zombie army will become reality only if President Bush is reelected in November. “If the American people decide they’d rather elect John Kerry, then say goodbye to the zombie army and hello to an army comprised of former cripples and riders of the short bus.”

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About copygodd

  • cjones

    I normally don’t comment but I had to. THIS IS HILARIOUS!

  • http://www.dailyobsession.blogspot.com platinum

    Onion, schmonion, this is freakin’ hysterical!

    Plus you managed to fit in that phrase I love to hate, the insipid “Make no mistake about it.”

    Nicely done!

  • Adam Bloom

    Aren’t they worried that they’ll accidentily ressurect Reagan, and he’ll out-steal Bush in the next election?

  • Dawn

    It would be great to see my grandmother alive again, but as soon as she sees that a retard is president, she will most certainly suffer a stroke and die.

    Quite honestly, that would be a cruel sick thing to do to a rotted corpse, so come to think of it, Cheney and Bush should just crawl back under the rock from whence they came.

  • Eric Olsen

    I offer the words of the visionary Stephen King: Pet Sematary

  • http://www.jackejett.com jack e. jett

    the bummer is that when all those folks come back…..they will be jobless, probably get pregnant right off the bat, go on welfare and the deficit will go up. so vote for kerry and keep the dead…..dead…

    jack

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    Dick Cheney’s got “The Monkey Fist”, and he’s totally willing to use it (of course his first three wishes were to bring his own bad self back from the dead).

  • http://macaronies.blogspot.com Mac Diva

    Only the Republican dead, Copygodd. Cheney is working with Blogcritic David Flanagan on a ‘final solution’ for the liberal departed. It will be part three of DF’s “Thugs for Kerry” series.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Great stuff! :)

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    It would be great to see my grandmother alive again, but as soon as she sees that a retard is president, she will most certainly suffer a stroke and die.

    Quite honestly, that would be a cruel sick thing to do to a rotted corpse, so come to think of it, Cheney and Bush should just crawl back under the rock from whence they came.

    I thought you were a “swing voter” Dawn? ;)

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Speaking of “rotted corpses,” I guess the Kedwards ticket thinks they can ride Revve’s desicated remains all the way to the White House, like some sort of decaying magic carpet.

  • Dawn

    Since when did Republicans start caring about dead cripples? Hell when did Republicans start caring about lesbians? HELL, when did Republicans give a fat fuck about anyone or anything other than their fat bulging wallets?

    Oh, wait, they didn’t, ‘cept at election time.

  • http://copygodd.blogspot.com copygodd

    thanks everyone.

    btw, i’ve heard dick cheney carries his monkey fist in his pants.

  • http://www.foliage.com/~marks Mark Saleski

    It will be part three of DF’s “Thugs for Kerry” series.

    looking forward to “Thugs For Kerry: Part Trios

  • http://www.thegoodflame.com Tobias the Dragonslayer

    Shikada mika foo.

  • http://www.jackejett.com jack e. jett

    dawn:

    i am loving your post on this subject.

    sick and twisted, yet with just a smack of love.
    i love the line….”give a fat fuck”.

    jack

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Since when did Republicans start caring about dead cripples? Hell when did Republicans start caring about lesbians? HELL, when did Republicans give a fat fuck about anyone or anything other than their fat bulging wallets?

    Oh, wait, they didn’t, ‘cept at election time.

    ===

    But I thought you were a “swing voter” Dawn… ;)