Well, December 1 is again World AIDS Day, and I plan to celebrate in the usual manner.
By having unprotected sex with as many women as humanly possible within that 24 hour period.
My personal record, set last year, is five. Technically, though, I might only be able to count four of them as one was my girlfriend. Well, my ex-girlfriend now. She broke up with me on Dec. 2nd of last year, for reasons I still can’t explain.
Sometimes, women will come up with, shall we say, “creative reasons” as to why they can’t have sex with you.
At least, this is what I’ve heard from other guys.
Personally, I’ve never had this problem. I chalk it up to two reasons: my superior technique and humongous manhood. The fact that one former girlfriend gave me the pet name “Pee-Wee” the day after we first made love is, I assure you, purely coincidental. Or maybe it was her way of being ironic. Whatever. I try not to dwell on it.
Yes, women have been known, from time to time, to get creative on the way to the bedroom. And not in a good way. So, in honor of this day, I thought I’d share a few things I’ve heard (again, from other people) and what one can do to surmount the difficulties.
Now, before I go any further, I’d just let to say that these aren’t meant to be gender specific. They are gender interchangeable. I’m writing them as heard from the male point of view because, well… I’m a male. They could just as easily be used by men to get out of having sex.
You know, on that imaginary planet where men actually say ‘no’ to sex.
But I digress.
1. “I can’t have sex with you, because my boyfriend might get mad.”
He *might*, might he? You must immediately get conspiratorial on her ass. “I won’t tell if you won’t tell.” Or you could try explaining the virtues of guilt-free sex. Of course, if she happens to have been raised Catholic, you’re pretty much screwed with that approach. Or not, as the case may be.
2. “I can’t have sex with you because I just joined Alcoholics Anonymous, and I’m not suppose to get into a relationship for at least one year.”
The answer to this one is easy. Get her really, really drunk. There might also be some footwork involved here, and a few choice phrases can help. Such as, “Relapse is just another road to recovery.” Or asking, “What happened to servicing others?” Whoops, I meant to write “service to others”, but you get my point. Then, there’s always the possibility of explaining that you don’t have to have sex right away, that you two can just take it “one step at a time”. Step one: Please remove your shirt and bra. And so on.
Of course, you must be careful because this method could very easily lead to the next ‘no sex’ reason…
3. “I can’t have sex with you, because I’m way too drunk.”
I’ll drink to that. At this point, you must learn patience. Remember, grasshopper, heavy drinking can often lead to someone passing out. Not that I’m suggesting anything. Remember, this story is for entertainment purposes only. Do not try this at home, kids.
4. “I can’t have sex with you, because I’m sleeping with my high school math teacher.”
This one was actually said to me. When I was much younger. Obviously. We were both younger than eighteen. Or, at least I was. So I cannot be held legally responsible. I mean, I couldn’t have been, if we had had sex. Which we didn’t. Really. I swear. I didn’t have a good comeback for this excuse then, I still don’t now. I simply had to do the math, and realize that, yes, sometimes two plus two does equal five, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
5. “I can’t have sex with you… unless you’re wearing a condom. Are you wearing a condom?”
Of course, I said “Yes.” And I was. Thank god she didn’t follow up that first question with, “Where are you wearing it?”, because I have a feeling saying “On my big toe” wouldn’t have gone over too well. It might even have ruined the moment.
Well, I do hope this has been, as they say, “entertaining and informative”. As an aside, just to the men out there, from time to time you might find that, once one of these methods has worked, another problem entirely enters the picture. That is, after like thirty minutes or so you realize things just aren’t reaching – shall we say – a “satisfactory conclusion”. At that point, you might have to do what I once did. You’ll have to fake an orgasm. Its fairly simple. First you moan a little, then yell, “Oh, God!” a couple of times. Most importantly, however, is what you do next. After faking it, you must immediately roll over and go to sleep. See, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Many women don’t realize that men just want to be held after sex. So they almost expect you to roll over and go to sleep. If you fake it, and then *don’t* do this, the jig is pretty much up. So don’t forget.
Well, that’s about it for this year’s advice. Now, I have to go to the store to buy a few things for my big World AIDS Day celebration: a bottle of wine, a block of cheese…oh, and a big ole box of condoms. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Why? Because, as the old saying goes, “There’s no lovin’ without a condom in the oven.” I think that’s how it goes. No, wait a minute, I vaguely remember it had something to do with the pot calling the kettle black. Or did it involve too many cooks spoiling the broth? Well, whatever that snappy safe sex slogan might be, you get the jist of it — the fact is I care. Do you?